Good News/Bad News Post

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, everyone!! I am making this a two-part post... half is happy stuff, the other half is horrible and awful and if you don't want to cry, just skip it entirely.

I feel like I need to do the good news first... I have made it to the half way point! HOORAY!! Only 19 more weeks to go... It kind of feels like forever, but I'm sure it will go by fast. Also, we had our 20 week u/s yesterday. Everything looks really good. Baby was moving around a lot, so they couldn't get a clear picture of her 4 chamber heart, so I have to go back in 4 weeks. The u/s tech saw it, but couldn't get a picture. I'm told NOT to worry! She also couldn't get a clear picture of the baby's face, so we left with pictures of two arms and a leg. My mom and Jeff were there, which was nice, too! And I cracked... I couldn't help it... Ever since they did the cervical scan and said they could tell what the baby was, I have been dying to know... and I have no regrets knowing. Its a girl! I kind of felt it was all along; guess I was right!

Now for the bad news... My dear friend who is about 11 weeks pregnant found out on Friday that she has cancer... Its in her leg, in her bone. Its localized there, which is good. Nothing was found in her lungs or the rest of her bones. But, she will have to do chemo, and the OB nurse said that will attack the baby. She'll probably have to have a D&C... They call it a "therapuetic abortion". What a rotten name. My friend said its either that or have the chemo attack the fetus, which she said doesn't seem fair. She'll talk to a RE so she knows what will happen, but they don't have time to harvest her eggs. I guess they can shut down her system, which might protect her eggs, but I am not 100% sure. It just sucks. I have no idea what to say to her, so I just listen and let her talk. She has some u/s pictures and she started to buy some baby clothes. I don't know if I should find this stuff, and put it in a box for her, or let her and her dh decide what to do.

Please keep her, her dh, and their little angel in your prayers.

I have self control!

I went to the OB yesterday with my mom and J. My mom really wanted to hear the heartbeat, which I thought was pretty sweet! :) I went in for the cervical scan first. The u/s tech is doing her thing and then she asks me...
Do you want to find out the sex of the baby? Because I can tell what it it...
Oh my gosh... My heart starts racing and I say...

no???

Yup, that's right... no, that's okay... I really wanted to, but since J wasn't in the room, I felt weird about doing it, and I've been saying "I'm not going to find out" for so long now...

I got dressed and found my mom and J and told them the u/s tech knew what we were having, but I didn't want to know. You know when you can see emotions on someone's face?

Pure disappointment, on both of them... My mom now insists its a boy because she would have seen the boy parts... I told her, maybe she saw nothing, therefore knows its a girl... Well, at least its SOMETHING!!

The rest of the night, I kept asking J...

Did I make the right choice? Should I have found out?

He says I'm driving him crazy asking him...
We have our regular u/s in a couple of weeks... If I still feel like this, I'm going to HAVE to find out.... Its like someone has my Christmas present under the tree and if I just peeked a little, I would know what I'm getting...

Augghhh!

My Belly

I am adding some belly shots... Please be kind... I know I just kind of look chubby; not really pregnant. In these pictures, I am 17 weeks, 4 days pregnant.

Just tell me I'm CRAZY!!

I'm sure I am losing my mind. I am sure it is the fault of a pregnancy magazine I read last night. I thought these magazines were supposed to make you feel good; this one kept me up all night. First, it said that pregnant women are gaining too much weight, which causes gestational diabetes and preterm labor. It also talks about eating the "right" way, and if you don't your baby will not be normal.

N O R M A L

What a word! I've never wanted to be considered normal with a normal life and a normal outlook... Now, its all I want for this baby! I have moments where I'm sure something has happened to the baby, like when I bent over I squashed the baby and its smooshed in my belly. Or that the imbilical cord is wrapped around its little neck. And I'm afraid I'm not getting enough protein and my baby will be born with mental issues. Oh, and there was this article about autism. Being a teacher, I know the devastation this can cause. I'm worried I'm going to gain too much weight, and in the same breath, I'm worried that my belly isn't growing fast enough.

I think part of my paranoia comes from a friend of mine who lost her baby because of MTHFR at 17 weeks. It was terrible, and I'm so worried I don't deserve this Sprout and God will take it away from me!

On a happier note, I think I started to feel Sprout move! Last week, I raised my voice to get the kids' attention, and I swear I felt a jump! I've been feeling little movements since then, but it could also be gas or my imagination. I know its kind of early to feel anything.

Thanks for letting me vent... Please feel free to reassure me until your hearts are content!

Is that MY butt???

When my bf took me shopping for maternity clothes, she mentioned something about maternity underwear. I kind of shrugged this idea off... why would I need maternity underwear? The baby is in front, not back... I thought maybe because she had twins things were different... HA!! I started noticing my VS bikinis slipping down my bottom, but thought that it was the way my pants were sitting. And then I realized, hmm... maybe I'm gaining some weight in my bottom, and should just go up a size. I made fun of myself to dh, telling him my butt was expanding whith wise and going "wwwaaahhh" like in the cartoons. I laughed, he really didn't. Maybe he's notice my expanding derriere, too?

Anyway... I suck it up, and go to buy the next size up, and then I see the maternity underwear, which was way cheaper, so I bought a pack, just to see if they work. I take it out of the package and laugh. They are soooo big! I compare them to my other undies, which are noticably smaller. I show dh, I show my dog (because he really cares about these matters)... The next day, I take a shower, try on my new undies, which I'm ready for to be HUGE... Instead, they FIT!

Seems I'm carrying Baby in my bottom, too!! Good thing dh is a butt man...

FEELING GOOD!!

For the past few days, I've felt soooo good! I looked at my little pregnant belly and thought, "How cute!". I bought some more maternity tops, and some little outfits for Sprout (they were only $5!!) I swear I'm starting to feel some movements... Could be me digesting my food, but I am going to just pretend its Sprout!

We have decided on a girl's name; Emilia Rose. We can call her Em, Emma, Emmy, Mia, Lia... Yes, I do love nicknames... Someone mentioned Charlie for a girl, which I think is totally adorable, but I have my heart set on a little boy named Charlie. Heather asked if I wanted a girl... I kind of thought I did, but while I was looking at baby clothes, I found this little onesie with airplanes on it and thought how fun it would be to have a boy! My BF has twin boys and they are just amazing... And the little boys in my class are so much fun... so... I guess I just don't care what I have... as long as its healthy, and sleeps! Yeah, I guess I won't even mind if it doesn't sleep!

My appetite has come back, which is really good. I am craving stew with veggies and meat. If you know me at all, I don't really like meat, so this is a good thing! I just want to eat a whole cauliflower, too... and oranges... yum!! Dh and I are going grocery shopping, something I haven't been able to do in forever...

I am getting so incredibly excited to meet my little Sprout! Only 6 more months to go! I keep thinking about next year and how I'll be able to dress him/her up as a turkey for Thanksgiving... wouldn't that be funny? And buy a cute little Christmas outfit... I think it has sunk in. I finally feel like I can relax a little bit...

I'm LOVING this pregnancy now!! YAHOO!!!

Welcome to the Second Tri (hold on while I puke)mester

Okay, so I heard this rumor that morning sickness ends at the second trimester and you get your energy back. Is this some sort of lie people are trying to pawn off on women? Is it like the whole "you are only pregnant for 9 months thing"? I figured at 13 weeks, I would start to feel better.... um... nope... only change is that Sprout is resting comfortable on my sciatic nerve, which causes me much discomfort... Oh, and morning sickness has turned into "Whenever the Heck I feel Like It Sickness". I have even finished the progesterone shots, but the vomitting continues!

I had conferences yesterday and today... During one of them (in which Mom is telling me the nanny watches her child and she is so busy that during the summer she sends the kid off to China to stay with Grandma, and even left her there when she was a year old for 6 months...) I start to feel the waves. After about 40 minutes (each conference is slotted for 15 minutes) I finally stand up to usher her out (I don't care if I'm rude at this point), only to see a dad waiting. I apologize and try to focus on the report card. Luckily, his kid is fine and I rush through everything and make it just in time!

Another strange thing that happened this morning was I was talking to another teacher, and I couldn't focus my eyes. It was so weird! And little squirmy white things were floating around. I drank some water and it went away. I called my nurse friend who things my blood sugar was too high... Great, am I developing Gestational Diabetes???

I had a doctor's appointment this week, too. My cervix is "nice and long", and I've gained 5 lbs! whoa! My principal wants me to wait until AFTER CHRISTMAS to tell the parents that I'm expecting. Um... WHAT??? So, I'm just going to wear my maternity clothes and if someone asks, I'll tell them. I'm proud of my little belly! Why should I have to hide it for another 2 months?

And, we heard the heartbeat again. That sound never loses its impact! I asked what the rate was, and its between 150-160 BPM. The old wives tale say "girl", which I'm still feeling. I spent most of the afternoon on my couch watching "Bringing Home Baby"... I cannot wait to meet this little Sprout... I keep imagining it growing and moving and it just seems like such a miracle!
Although I complain, I feel like my prayers have been answered!

Random Thoughts

I realize that I have not been a very good poster as of late. Its probably because I'm not sure WHAT to post... I still fell like this pregnancy is a joke... Like someone is going to say "haha! just kidding! Who would let YOU have a baby???" I'm so worried that once I'm off the progesterone, I will immediately miscarry. Is all this worry normal? I don't know...

I'm 13 weeks and 2 days pregnant. Wow... 13 weeks! Such a milestone, and yet, I have about 27 weeks to go, which seems like forever! I am starting to get a belly. I can still squeeze into my jeans, but I know that in a few weeks, I won't be able to. I have to wear them in the beer belly style; my belly over the top. Yes. I have a belly. I know all the books say that a first pregnancy shouldn't be showing until about 4 or 5 mos, but I'm showing. Not enough where people notice, but, I can totally see a difference. I've gained about 2 1/2 lbs, which I don't think is so bad. I know the weight will start piling on... once I can eat again...

That's my biggest issue; eating. Its really hard to eat every two hours, especially since during that time I am teaching 6 year olds and when you have food, they want food. I try to sneak some pretzels every once in awhile, but then all chaos breaks out because I am Away. I swear, they think if I'm not looking right at them, I can't see or hear them. So anyway, I get really hungry, over hungry, and feel like vomiting, and then, I don't want to eat. And nothing sounds good anyway; except for Cambell's condensed chicken noodle soup and a good corned beef sandwich. And pickels.

I've also developed this strange pain in my leg. I thought I bumped it, but one of my friends said it could be Sprout laying on my sciatic nerve. How can something that is about 3 inches long and weighs so little be pressing so hard?

I have strange thoughts about Sprout, too. I imagine it dancing, arms flailing about whenever I eat, especially if I eat something especially yummy. I also imagine it flying around my uterus whenever I roll over and saying "Whooooaaa!" like on the Tilt-a-Whirl.

And then there is the naming issue. For a boy, I LOVE Charlie, who another blogger recently named her puppy. Sorry; I just LOVE that name!! For a girl... I have no idea! I like Autumn, but is that okay to name a little girl born in May? And if I use the middle name Rose, does it sound too much like a retirement home? I need something different since there are so many names I can't use due to being a teacher.

These are my random thoughts. Nothing too exciting. I am really looking forward to feeling Sprout move and kick me in the ribs!

Ten Years

This weekend was my ten year high school reunion. I am officially "old". :) It seems amazing to me that its been that long since I was the girl wearing flannel shirts made for a 6 foot tall man, big red glasses and braces.

Anyways, I did not attend the typical reunion; it was $95 a person for drinks and "heavy" appetizers. I can't drink, and Jeff doesn't, and I doubt we'd eat $200 worth of appetizers. Not to mention I was not what you would call "popular" in high school. I had a group of friends and we just didn't care who was homecoming queen or the star quarterback (incidently, the quarterback was really messed up on drugs, and since then "found Jesus"). One of my friends organized an alternative reunion with about 10 girls. I haven't seen most of them since graduation, so I was a little nervous.

My BF, Julia, took me shopping for maternity clothes first after I told her I was too fat to fit into anything. She patiently held my clothes and helped me decide what would work and what wouldn't. I swear, she is the absolute BEST!! Even though our friendship has gone through so many different paths, we've landed in this perfect groove.

We got ready at my house, much like one of the dances, which was so much fun in itself!
Then we get there; I was so nervous, but once I saw these girls, I could barely hold back my tears! We went through everything from boys, make up, clothes, music, to the tragic death of a friend at 16. And as we all talked, I realized I would be friends with each and everyone (minus the one that is still so super neurotic I could scream) of them. All of these women were so strong and sweet and compassionate. I talked about my pregnancy, and with it IVF. None of them blinked an eye; just shared stories of friends they knew going through it. The women sitting next to me had a million questions about it.

I felt so proud after our "reunion". I was proud that I had the sensibility to pick such awesome people as friends at such a young age. I was proud that I was still friends with the most awesome person in the world (besides my Jeff). I was so proud of all of these women living there lives and fulfilling there dreams. In high school, I took these girls for granted. Now that its been so long and I'm all grown up (kind of), I don't want to do that anymore.

Girlfriends RULE!!

The Beating of a Heart

I should have posted this Monday when it was still so fresh, and I should have written in my journal, but I am feeling so lazy and so tired! I finally got around to developing my Month 1 and Month 2 belly pictures, and I can see a difference. No one else can... I totally have the start of a belly. It looks like I have just eaten too many milkshakes, but no... Its a belly! And, did you know pregnancy is a great diet? I've lost 2 pounds!! I have started wearing maternity pants, although I totally don't need them. I don't want to buy pants in the next size up... And I just feel cool wearing them! How long will that last???

Anyways... Monday J and I had our first OB ultrasound... However, it was still the fun internal type, and this wand was definitly not as smooth as the one at my RE's. The one at my RE looked like a dildo. And it was smooth and round. This one was a RECTANGLE! Why? I don't know, but it was more painful than the one at my RE's. Also, I think the u/s techs at my RE spend a lot more time showing you things... But, alas, it is so much more fun to see this little being than seeing the "empty womb" pictures and the pictures of ovaries with 20 follicles on them... My Sprout no longer looks like a turtle or a tadpole, but a real baby! It has fingers!! And little frog legs! AND... the tail is gone!! Little Sprout was actually moving, which was so cool to see!

And then, I heard the most beautiful sound I have ever heard... the heartbeat. I cried. I couldn't help it... It was so fast and so magical! I wanted to listen to it forever! Its so amazing that this little bean started as a single cell, developed into 10 cells, was frozen, thawed and inserted 2 months later, and now it has a heartbeat and fingers and frog legs.

How can I be so in love with something I have never seen?

Girl or Boy?

It is so amazing at the opinions every single person has on finding out the gender of YOUR baby! And they aren't shy... Here are some opinions:

"Don't find out; life doesn't have a lot of surprises"
"Don't find out, you aren't the super organized type who needs everything done" (This was from Bitch Girl at work and it was kind of a slam in a way to my organizational skills)
"If you find out, you don't get as much stuff at your shower" from Jenn, who didn't find out and got almost everything on her registry! yahoo!!

Then I get...
"Find out because if you don't you won't get as much stuff at your shower", totally contradicts what Jenn said, which is why I found it so amusing... My friend is convinced if you don't know what you are having, people don't buy you as much stuff...
"Its fun to know"
"Its still a surprise, just earlier!"

My husband really wants to know, but I'm not sure. I have about another two months to decide, so I'm not worried.

Here is my other funny thought... The Chinese Gender Prediction chart says that according to my due date, the baby was conceived when I was 28 in August, so will be a boy. Yet, since this baby was frozen for two months, it was actually conceived in JUNE, so it will be a GIRL... And I also wonder about the whole zodiac thing... Is it based on conception, or birth? This baby was conceived in June, so its birth should be March, not May... Does that change its personality?

These are the things I think about. I'm slowly going insane...

Oh, and my pants no longer fit. I cried until J reminded me it wasn't b/c I was getting fat, its just because I'm pregnant. Its is still an alien idea to me. I'm waiting for the call... "Haha! Just kidding! You aren't pregnant! We'll give you a sock monkey instead for your troubles"

Good thing the nausea has stuck with me; its a reality check!!

A little scary...

I have totally been slacking on my posts... seems pregnancy can make you feel nauseous and tired. Bet you never heard that before...
Anyways... Monday I had a good appointment and was released to a regular OB. I've been trying to set up an appt. with them since Tuesday, but they won't hear of it. Apparently, the nurse I'm dealing with is... brash and can come across as uncaring... I have been assured by my friends and my RE that they are great doctors, just this nurse is not the friendliest.

I really needed a friendly and caring nurse yesterday as I started to spot. Now, if you don't know me very well, you might not know that I tend to overreact and worry.. a lot... I can be dramatic. When I noticed the spotting, I heard a little voice say that it was okay and normal, but the neurotic side was completely freaking out...

I called the OB and talked to the Bitchy Nurse. I told her I was spotting, and she just kind of sighed and said she wanted to ask me questions. She asked why my RE released me so soon. Um??? I don't know... They are professionals... Everything looks great, why not??? She said it was unusual that usually they don't release patients until 10 weeks (the RE nurse said this was definitly NOT the case, I trust her!) . Then she starts quizzing me on my asthma meds and saying they are a class C. I ask if I should stop them, but she says no, since its important to breathe. And then she starts bugging me about my cat. "They didn't screen you for Toxoplasmosis??? Why not?" Again, I don't know... and from what I've read you are in danger if you get cat feces near you face. Considering my cat does not go outside and I haven't changed the litter box in 19 months, I think my chances are pretty low of having it...

Anyways, I'm still concerned about the spotting and she indicates that since I haven't seen a doctor yet, I'm not really a patient. And, they close at 1. And tomorrow they close at 1. Weird. She tells me she'll have to call me back about setting up an initial appointment sometime on Friday. Well, it is 10:40 and I haven't heard a peep. I'm calling at 12, I don't care if I"m annoying or not!!

I did call my RE and although they don't do OB ultrasounds on Fridays b/c they close early, they said they will squeeze me in. I had to wait for about 30 minutes, but I diddn't care. It was amazing at the care they showed for me. The u/s tech spent forever with me, showing me the heartbeat and amazing 3-D pictures. My baby has a head, eye sockets, two arms, two legs, and umbilical cord, and a bottom!! It was so cool!! She printed off 3 for me. Just the relief I feel is amazing!!

That is my drama for now. The nurse just called back and is setting me up for an appointment. She must have felt my annoyance. The receptionist I just talked to was a sweet as can be and set me up with my appointments and said "congratulations!" That's all I needed to hear.

I'm off to the couch for a few days of resting with my feet up. I feel this baby must be a girl after the worrying she is already making me do! :)

I've been tagged... again!!

Sorry this has taken so long to respond, to Jamie!! I teach in Illinois, too! :)
Here it goes!

1. Trust~This is an issue for me. I either trust people way too much or way too little. I've noticed that over the last few years, I have been burned pretty badly and don't trust people nearly as much as I used to when I was naive and innocent. When I do trust people, I just pray they don't let me down. I was really weary of giving out my blog address to even my closest friends for just this reason! I try to be a very trustworthy person. When someone tells me "Don't tell anyone" I put it in the "vault" and its there forever. I believe trust and love are so closely related; they are almost the same!

2. Orange~I dated a guy in high school and part of college that wore a lot of orange... One time he asked me to describe him in one word, and this is the word that came to mind. He could be sweet and charming, as well as quite demeaning. He was flamboyant, so much so, some people I know from high school claim he was gay... We dated for 3 years, which is a really long time, especially when you start dating at 17. Breaking up was the best thing for me. It allowed me to be free! He is so orange; loud, kind of obnoxious, but people are generally drawn to it.

3. Designer~Hmmm... I don't know... I think of Clinton and Stacy and there designer clothes. I'm not big on names or designers. My clothes come mostly from Target and Old Navy... This was a hard one, Jamie!

4. Spice~Life needs spice! Since dh and I started ttc, we kind of fell into a pattern. We stopped seeing our friends as much. People showed their true colors. We are still in this rut and we need some spicing up. I know this, he knows this. I think it is so important for couples to stay connected and not fall into the little ruts that break up marriages. This baby is sure spicing things up and I think it will only continue!!

I'm tagging...
Jenn
Mel
Dianne
Sarah

Here are your words:
1.Snow
2.Round
3.Innocent
4.Cookie

Its official...

Today, I heard the words I've been dreaming of for soooo long... Uterine Pregnancy... Not that "you are pregnant" wasn't fantastic, but to know that my baby is burrowed inside and taking her supply of what she needs... I have no words.

We have a heartbeat! Yes, only one, much to the chagrin of the grandmoms to be... I was even a tad disappointed, but it was quickly erased to see this little beating thing... Probably the coolest thing I have ever seen! J came with and held my hand and grinned.

I asked about my prospective due date, and she said I'm about 6 weeks, 4 days; almost an entire week ahead of what I first thought! My due date would be May 3rd, the day before my mom's b-day. Another Taurus to butt heads with (sorry, Dianne, I was hoping for a Gemini, too!).

Thank you for all your kind words about my last freak out blog... I bought "The Girlfriend's Guide to Pregnancy" and "Belly Laughs". Both are way funnier and don't have thinks like: "You will miscarry this baby and have no chance of ever having another baby again if you even THINK about caffeine."

I'm off to contemplate my naval and stare at the back of my eyelids for a few hours! :)

One Neurotic Mama

If you are reading this and ttc, please, please, please don't be annoyed at my complaints. I feel like I'm going to loose it at any moment and just need to get it out!!

Since I found out I was pregnant, I have been on an emotional roller coaster. One minute I'll be day dreaming about baby toes and the feel of a newborn (or two) craddled against my chest... The next I'm convinced that somehow my blood test was mixed up or that when I have my u/s there will be nothing there. I woke up a couple days ago, and felt absolutly normal. My boobs didn't hurt, I didn't feel mayo in my mouth... I called the nurse and she reassured me that this was normal and that I would have good days and bad days as my body adjusted to the hormones. The next day, to make up for it, my boobs were sore again, and I felt the worst case of nausea yet (hooray for me!!). So I feel like I'm pregnant, and then a little voice says "you are on progesterone and estrogen; that can make you feel pregnant, too".

And the books don't help, either! Its all "guard your happiness" and "don't tell!" I have done so much to get this far, and you are telling me I can't be happy yet? If anyone knows of any really good pregnancy books, please share them... Something uplifting would be nice...

When I was ttc, I thought as soon as I get pregnant, I'll feel just such relief. And I did... For about 4 hours. My friends have all reassured me that this is totally normal and it will probably never go away. Worrying is part of motherhood.

Monday is my first u/s. I am a little apprehensive that there will be nothing. J is confident I have about 6 babies in me. I think once I see something, that will ease my fears, at least for a few hours...

Thank you for reading. Sorry for the complaints. Please, feel free to soothe my fears! :)

4 weeks 6 days

I don't know what else to title my blog... So creative, huh???

I thought I would post the reactions of people I have told.

J said, "you're kidding? Really?" He was in total shock. The whole night he looked so much like an accident victim. He told me he was all prepared for it to be negative... Can you blame him after my meltdown the night before? Since then, he has been extremely excited calling me his "babymama". So cute!

I wanted to tell my mom in person, so I told her J was coming over to bring her something. She said she was going out, but I somehow convinced her to wait. I walked in and she looked stunned to see me. I told her and she hugged me about 4 times. She didn't cry, and told me she wanted to but "held it in".

My dad kept repeating, "I'm so happy, I'm soooo happy!"

Jeff's mom told Jeff's dad to "Come in the living room... Grandpa!" I think he was confused at first. Then he understood and hugged us both!

Jeff's mom was probably the most excited. She started to cry and say "My stomach is doing flip flops!" She asked about a million questions and said that we need to go shopping. She has already bought me a book about eating right (um... yeah...) and this beautiful wreath made of diapers and cute baby stuff. She is already planning a shower and is convinced I'm having twins!

My brother (who is only 15) is excited about being an uncle, but doesn't want to baby sit.

Jeff's brother was a little "whatever" about the whole thing.

My sister cried and has already bought Baby a tye-died onesie!

My friends are all excited. Julia probably the most so... :)

The other 1st grade teachers don't know b/c they are too self centered to ask how I am doing. The 2nd grade teacher know and are very happy! :)

My principal advised me not to tell anyone in case something happend (like I already wasn't worried enough) and asked when I would be having it, because she'll need to find a sub. Oh, and then she said congratulations. I have never seen someone so unexcited. It was like I was telling her I was having a potato for lunch, not having a baby!!

For those of you that are curious... My prog. level jumped to 57, my HCG is at 1,918, and my estrogen level is at 400. The doctor is very happy. Next week, I get my first OB ultrasound!! I'm keeping everything crossed for a healthy strong baby... or babies... :)

I have some symptoms... My boobs feel like waterballoons and I have become obsessed with poking them and having J feel them (nice thing to do to a guy when we have to abstain for the next 8 weeks). They have these really blue lines running around them. I feel bloated. I am exhausted. And here is a symptom that is totally my OWN... I have mayo mouth. No, not METAL, MAYO! I seriously feel like I ate an entire jar. It is disgusting. No morning sickness, but every afternoon I start to feel really gross... I have a feeling I'll be having morning sickness in the afternoon... NOT THAT I'M COMPLAINING.... :)

The Tests Really Work!

I was in such denial that these tests even work... But here's proof! I can't help being such a dork. Man, its way fun to POAS when there is good news!

When I first thought about "telling people", I thought for sure I would wait about 12 weeks. Um... seems I can't keep a secret! I haven't told many people at school yet. Perhaps I'll send out an email with my test!
Jeff, however, has only told his parents and brother.

The moral of the story is, Joei cannot keep secrets!

Surreal

That's about all I can say...
My hcg level is 245. My progesterone level is 15.9. My doctor thinks its a little too low, so I'm taking a concentrated version of 1 cc of progesterone increase it. I would take 12 shots a day, just to stay... PREGNANT!! I can't believe it! I made J stop at Walgreens to get a Clearblue Easy test, just to see the word.
I doubted it sooooo much! I have no symptoms except for being tired, but who isn't tired!!
It just isn't real yet. I don't think it will feel real until I'm feeling kicks!

Thanks for all your thoughts and prayers... I know they helped!

Oh crap! Didn't I promise these babies a car???

Joei and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good Very Bad Day!

Thank you Judith Viorst for creating Harry and giving me a great blog title. And its so fitting... However, I only WISH the worst part of my day was not getting the shoes I wanted and finding gum in my hair. Sorry, Harry, I win!

By the way, I'm prone to outbursts of dramatic tendencies. My day wasn't that bad in reality, but in my world, it sucked!

School was fine. The kids are super chatty, but they are only 6, and really, I'm not a video game, I'm not a cartoon, I don't make balloon animals... How fun can I be??? "At least they are cute" is my mantra. However, one of my boys threw his arms around me, looked up with big eyes and said "I really love you!" If you want a confidence boost, teach 1st grade!

Afterwards, I rush off to my 4:00 class, which actually starts at 4:30, and has started at 4:30 for the past 2 years. No biggie. Our new instructor has us go around introducing each other (its a cohort, we've been together going on 3 years... we know LOTS!). When I had my first round of IVF in June, I had a summer class and missed a couple days because of the transfer and then because of a lovely bout with vertigo. Somehow, it got around that I was doing IVF while I was gone. Like I posted before, I don't care, I'm OUT... Anyways, the first girl to talk announces, "I'm due April 27th!" I mumble congrats as the class squeals. I'm a little irratated she didn't tell me personally or warn me or SOMETHING (is that really too much to ask?). In my head I think "everyone is going to have a baby before me!". We go around and I announce that I'm still not expecting, but could use mass quantities of chocolate. We keep going and another woman announces she is expecting, too! That makes THREE girls in our cohort of 18! The third is this bitchy girl I work with; the one who thinks I'm rude because I told her it might be hard for me to be around her while she's pregnant and I'm struggling so hard to be(its hard to be around her NOT pregnant, too!). I'm fighting back the tears as more congratulations are squealed. I don't even attempt to look happy. I'm not. Then, then, THEN bitchy pregnant girl starts complaining because she is due in October and might miss 2 classes and (gasp!) our instructor is going to take off (gasp, again!) 2% form her grade. I want to scream "You get a BABY!! Who cares about 2% points???" I make it through class without crying and without screaming. I try to push the thoughts of "What if there are no babies left for ME????" And seriously, what are the odds that I'll be pg if there are already 3 preggos in class now???

I make it home, and J is cooking tacos. I tell him about it and he hugs me and says it will be alright. My sister calls at that moment and starts rambling on about how she is sooooo busy at work, and she's going to go visit her friend tomorrow and Friday and Why haven't I called??? She never asks how I'm feeling. Not one hint that maybe MY life is a little more stressful than hers... After about 15 minutes of her talking she snaps, "I'm going to let you go b/c you just don't seem that into talking", and not in a nice, sisterly way... I tell her I had a bad day. No response. Not, why? What happened? Nothing. She wonders why I don't call. I hang up and burst into tears.

Sorry, Harry... I win.

Oh, and tomorrow is my beta. I am feeling NO symptoms. Just tired and crabby and hopeless.
Fuck you, infertility!

In or Out?

OUT, I'm soooo OUT there! I think I'm one of the few, and sometimes that embarrasses me. Like I should be more personal about it, but I can't.

I wear my pomegrante bracelet with pride (although not one person ask inquired about it); I'd wear all pomegrante clothes if if would label me more! If there was a parade, I'd be waving my flag! My sister would be home, denying that infertility exists, and my mom would be the one covering her eyes and telling people, "Its just a phase" and telling me "Stop being so crabby; you're not dying!" as I walk by, IF grabbing by the balls, singing "So Hard" by the Dixie Chicks. Yup, I'm out.

And why not? I had so many people help me along my route, but there was so much missing, so much NOT talked about that I had to read up on and ask my IF pals about. And why? And I quote my mom, "Not everyone needs to be educated". This is the thinking of so many women. "If its not happening to me, its not happening". I swear to you, some of my friends still live under the guise that if I just "relax" and take a vacation, I will miraculously get pregnant. Unfortunatly, no matter what I do, J's sperm will not change its shape. Just today this guy at work (see, I tell EVERYONE!!) was telling me him and his wife tried for 6 years and had just given up, and then it happened! WOW! So, I should just wait, give up, and then I'll be pregnant? And why the HELL didn't they see a doctor after trying for say, a year? I just don't understand and the majority of people don't want to understand.

I feel like I was given IF for a reason. Its my thing to fight against. Its my thing to fight for equal rights for IF patients! So many women are struggling with being able to PAY for IVF and Dianne, you are right, those rules are passed by men strung out on Viagra. Why are vasectomies covered? Why are abortions covered? If you are going to cover one, they all need to be covered. Its like telling a diabetes patient treatment won't be covered, the diagnosis will. What the HELL??? This is why we all need to band together and FIGHT! The more people that know, the more our voice will be heard.

Who will join me in my parade? I dare you...

Hello? Snowbabies? Are you in there???

Today is 8 dp3dfet. I feel nothing. No symptoms. Should I feel anything? Please, just tell me NO and I'll be a happy camper! I wish a little fairy would come down and tell me if my snowbabies have stuck or not! I've been getting a little light headed, but that could be from all the estrace I'm on. My boobs don't hurt, although my chest is broken out. I don't feel bloated, but when I eat, I feel a fullness sooner than normal. I'm exhausted, but, I'm taking all that progesterone, and I just started back up at school. If I get realistic, I'm only about 11dpo, which is too soon for even a hpt, which I refuse to do. I still have some hope, and I'm hanging on with dear life!

J and I have been talking to our snowbabies who we decided we will name Jonas Rocket (stolen from Blink 182 guy) and Jayden (JayJay) Rainbow. Yup! I have been promising all sorts of things to them, like the monkey at Target, and a new SUV to fit their way cool double stroller that we will also buy them. I mean, come on! What more could two little snowbabies want??? A trip to Disney World? Done! Ice cream for breakfast? No problem! The sky is the limit, little ones! So many people are awaiting your decision... Please STICK, STICK, STICK!!!

Can Thursday PLEASE hurry up!!!

Ugly

I have a deep, dark, ugly side. It is sooooo ugly, I don't even want to talk about it, but I have a feeling its normal, and feel like I have to. I want to share ALL the feelings of infertility, not just the pretty ones...

I'm jealous. And its getting BAD!!! One of my friend's from high school called me up on Sunday, the day after my FET, announcing her baby daughter was born. She was healthy, 7 lbs, 15 oz. Know what my first thought was? "I hope she doesn't ask me to come see her." Isn't that terrible? I had to force myself to ask the right questions, and had to force emotion into my voice. All I really wanted to do was hang up and cry. My husband was right there and said "You did good."

There are two pg women at school and I can't WAIT until their babies are born! Why? So I don't have to see their bellies every day. One of them has this perfect little basketball and whenever I see her, I just stare at it. Terrible, right?

Today I was checking in emergency cards for kids. I just stopped and stared at them and thought "Why is this person so lucky? Why do they get to fill out emergency cards for their kids? Why can't I?" I must have had the strangest look on my face when a coworker walked in.

I'm even a little jealous of my friends. Jess is going to start trying soon, and I just remember that feeling... So optimistic... So hopeful... Part of me really hopes I get pg before you, Jess, and I'm sorry for that. I will be soooooo happy for you if you are pregnant, and I'm not, but you might have to give me some space. Same goes for you Judi, if you get pregnant with #2 before I have #1. I will honestly and whole heartedly be happy for you; its just difficult. And Julia, I love you boys so much, and I hate that little twinge that hits me. I find it pretty easy to push it out of the way and hug your boys soooo tight!! And when you call me and one is screaming, I don't feel so jealous anymore... ;) And my Venting room friends... I'm excited for you, especially since I know what you have gone through to get where you are. I have more hope that I will soon join your side than I feel jealousy. Its like "one of us made it to the other side!"

I've even started to throw away the baby announcements. I have a friend who will send me cute pics of her kids. Sometimes, I delete them without even looking at them.

This is an ugly, ugly, side. And I can't do a thing about it.

The Plight of the Tiny Snowbabies!

Saturday was the day! J and I got up early... Okay, I got up early, J rolled around in bed until it was time to go... I made him take me to Panera for breakfast (let the spoiling begin!). We went to the office and barely had to wait, which was great since my bladder was soooo full! Not full enough, however, as Nurse made me drink another entire water bottle!

The embryologist came in and said she had to thaw out 6 snowbabies to get 2 good ones. One was an A and starting to compact, and the other was a B, starting to show signs of compaction. Don't ask what compaction is, I don't know... I was a little sad about my discarded snowbabies, and the fact that I only have 3 left, but I'm trying to be hopeful that I won't even need them!

The procedure was a little painful, but I'm sure nothing compared to childbirth. The entire time I kept praying "Please God, let this be it... Let these little embryos grow to become healthy babies!"

The doctor shook our hands and said that he thinks he'll be giving us good news in a couple weeks. The amount of hope I have in that is so overwhelming. The nurse gave us an ultrasound picture, and I so badly want to put it in a baby book. "This is you when you were 8 cells..."

My aunt called me up, all excited, saying "This is IT! I can feel it! I just know it!" I really hope so! I'm feeling really, really hopeful about the whole thing. I'm going to try to hold on to that feeling for as long as possible.

Its just amazing to think that I have little snowbabies in me... Its just a nice feeling. And I'm embracing it with my entire heart and soul!

'Twas the Night Before FET

First off, Dianne, I promise I'll fill out your tagging info soon! :)

Tomorrow is the day! My estrogen level went soaring up to 300, so we are back on! My RE's office thaws out embryos until they get two "good" ones. I really hope it doesn't take that many to thaw, and I know about 30% don't make it through a thaw. I just am hopeful that there will be some left in case this one doesn't work, or in case I want to do another FET after baby(ies) #1!

J took off of work so we could have a "fun day". We laid around in bed for awhile, just talking. J was making his b-day list, and I told him he should write me a poem instead. He wrote very sweet things about admiring my courage and thanking me for going through so much to give us a family. It was so sweet! He has become so much more compassionate lately! Not that he ever wasn't, but its more so! Anyways, we started the day by taking my car in to get a way overdue oil change and had breakfast at Colonial. Surrounding us were elderly couples, and I couldn't help but smile at the thought of J and I being that old someday, still holding hands. J then took me to the bookstore, saying I needed stuff to read. I couldn't find a lot that interested me, and everything that sounded good had babies in it, even the "Shopaholic and Sister" ended with her being pg (I always read the last few pages of a book before reading it)! I finally found a book and off we went! We went to see "Little Miss Sunshine", which was really good! A dark comedy, but great! We just kind of laid low and relaxed. I felt pretty calm all day.

But now its night. And the questions seep in. I am trying to shut my mind to them, but I can't help it. Its the typical garden variety, "What if it doesn't work again? Will I be able to handle it?" I want to be excited, but its a really weird feeling. I kind of feel that once those embryos are transfered, I will be pregnant, in a way. There will be live embryos in me, hopefully dividing and implanting. They have the possibility to become real live babies, something I want very much. I went over to my friend Judi's house and her baby fell asleep snuggled against me. The feeling was so overpowering. I just really knew; this is my journey. This is my dream. This is what I want. And maybe my reasons are not the "right" ones, but my babies are the missing piece to my soul.

Jenn and Yvonne assured me that God listens... God, please, answer this prayer; give me the chance to be a good mom, I won't let you down!

Estrogen Delay

I went to my RE today... My lining is good at 10.3 (anything above 7 makes my doctor happy!). However, my estrogen level is only 83, and they want it above 120. I have to take, get this...
12 estrace pills a day!! I was taking 6 and thought that was a lot. The pills are about the size of 1/2 a tic tac, so they are no big deal. The bummer is that they are pushing my FET day back, and that's if my estrogen level goes up... If its not up... CANCELLED... yuck. I'm so bummed about the whole thing. I was looking forward to having my 2 bed rest days, and then 2 days to chill out at home... Not anymore... and that's if it isn't cancelled.

I told J it was as if God didn't want me to have a baby. Of course he told me that wasn't true, but what if it is? God, if you are listening, I will be the best mom I can be to my baby(ies)! I will spoil them with love. They will never, ever doubt that I care. I won't get angry when they leave their toys out or bring worms into the house. I will take them anywhere they want to go. I'll teach them how to be good people. I will raise them to love and be empathetic to everyone. I'll take them to see the ocean and watch the sunrise and set above it. I'll take them to the movies in their pjs. I'll let them fingerpaint, even if its an hour after I washed the floor. I won't let them think they are anything less then beautiful, important, creative, magnificent and appreciated. I will treat my children like the blessings they are! I'll even let them eat ice cream for breakfast and pancakes for dinner... God, please, just give me the chance to love my babies!

Am I Less?

Jeff and I were watching our favorite Friday night show... TLC's What Not To Wear. We are seriously addicted and often refer to Stacy and Clinton like they are personal friends. Yes, we can be a little dorky! But, after my Wednesday shopping trip with Julia, I think she could watches it just as much as I do! She even had the hand gestures down! "Now, Joei, you see how these pockets accentuate your hips? Not good... You want to draw the attention AWAY from them..."

Anyways... A commercial comes on for a show on making moms into models. I turn to Jeff and say, "You are nothing in this world if you are not a mom". The minute the words tumbled out of my mouth, I really felt how true they were. I started babbling on about how they should have a make over show for women on fertility drugs... We could really use a boost in self-esteem and self-confidence, especially when your belly is bloated and you feel just plain old fat!

Everywhere you look, there are women with babies, men with babies, families, everywhere! They have parking for pregnant women at the mall! I think I should get a special parking spot "Infertile Woman on Hormones Parking ONLY" and the spaces should be extra wide and you will get a massage upon making to the mall without running over anyone.

Every Mother's Day, my aunt has this huge brunch. I always thought it was nice of her to cook and clean since she didn't have kids. OPPS! Stupid Joei! This Mother's Day, I called her and cried, and she cried with me. I don't think its fair that she never experienced the homemade cards or little presents like the "World's Best Mom" coffee cups, and then she was expected to act all happy to have us all over. I'm still trying to figure out this "Not a Mother's Day" holiday.

At work, I was the one that got put onto a stupid committe since I don't have kids. And its rubbed into my bleeding heart everyday, "I can't stay late; the babysitter will be mad" "I have 2 kids at home; I can't take on any extra work." My team all worked together to help the pregnant woman on our team get her room set up! I wanted to scream, "I'm getting snowbabies implanted on Thursday! I need help, too!" But I didn't. And I won't. I am invisible to them, to everyone, and I will be until I have my babies in tow. And I can't wait to have my team put my room together because, " I have twin babies at home!"

Babyness

I have become completely and utterly obsessed with babies. I search for stuff online, I wander the stores and touch all the soft baby toys. I breath in the baby smell. I want so bad to buy little binkies and the musical duck at Target. I don't, but I want to!

I found a pacifier the other day as I was walking my two monster dogs. A normal person would have left the paci on the ground and kept walking. I, however, am NOT a normal person. I picked it up, put it in my pocket and headed home. I kind of forgot it was in my pocket until I went to take a shower. I washed it off and just held it in my hands. I didn't know what to do with it, so I tied it to the angel that hangs from my night stand light. Like I said, I am NOT a normal person...

As my FET hangs overhead, I am going through the typical emotions. I'm nervous, I'm anxious, I'm hopeful... I am very guarded that it will be another BFN. I want to push that thought out of my mind... Hope, don't slip away now!

Why Do YOU Want a Baby?

I was working out yesterday, watching The View (not my favorite, but it was my only option), and they were talking about why people want babies. They were saying how some people want them so someone will love them, and other people want someone to love. It just got me thinking...

Am I being selfish to want a baby? The world is kind of crappy right now. Is it just instinctual? I need a part of me to go on? Perhaps, and maybe at the beginning of ttc, it was more of just a feeling that I wanted a baby. Seeing my girlfriends with their swollen bellies and hearing about feeling tiny kicks and the wonderful world of baby showers just sounded like where my life should be headed. When my best friend was pregnant, I felt that feeling grow. And then she had her babies. No matter how often she told me how frustrated she was or how the babies could not be consoled, I still wanted them! I would go over to her house when they were small and just marvel at how she just knew how to take care of these babies. I still marvel at how good of a mom she is to her toddlers!

During this looooonnnnngggg journey to motherhood, I've at times contemplated why I do want a baby. Not just "a baby", three babies. And I want all three of these babies to grow up to be happy, well-adjusted adults with children of their own. I want to have kids so I can someday be a grandma! And I want to buy those adorable sun dresses that come with ruffly baby undies!

I want kids because they are hope. They are the future. As hokey as that sounds, it is true. Yes, the world is crappy, and yes, instinctually, I want a piece of me to go on. I feel like if I'm a good enough mother, and I know J will be an awesome dad, our children will be able to influence changes in the world, advocates for change. I want to teach them to not sit quietly when something is wrong; to stand up for what they know is right. I want to teach them to see beauty in the world and protect it. Our Earth is so fragile, and our kids are really the ones that are going to have to deal with global warming and such. I want to show my kids how to love and how to be loved. Our world is in major deficit of love. I know my children will probably not grow up to be the President, but maybe they'll be able to make things better in their own way.

Those are just some of the reasons I want kids. It sounds idealistic, but that's my nature. I already have so much love for babies that don't even have heartbeats or eye lashes, but they have so much potential. Each one of my little snowbabies has the genetic make up that will make them strong and loving human beings; how can I not be in love?

I've Been Tagged!

Dianne~ I'm soooo smart! I figured it out all by myself!! I don't have anyone to tag, except for MEL!!


Four jobs I have had in my life:
1. Mc Donald's Fry Girl--lasted 3 mos.
2. Marshall's fitting room--YECH!! Gross! Worse job ever!
3.Grocery store bagger/cashier- Started at 17, quit at 21! I met dh there, so not all that bad!
4. First Grade Teacher ( I LOVE my job!)

Four movies I watch over and over:
1. When Harry Met Sally
2. You've Got Mail
3. Serendipity
4. The Breakfast Club

Four places I have lived:
1.Illinois-- Lots of different towns, but all in Illinois...
2.
3.
4.
Four TV shows I love to watch:
1. Grey's Anatomy
2. Super Nanny
3. American Idol
4. Birth Day (yes, I like to torture myself!)

Four places I have been on vacation:
1. Mexico
2. Florida
3. San Francisco
4. Branson, Mo (Don't bother...)

Four websites I visit daily:
www.yahoo.com
www.babycenter.com
www.ivfconnections.com
www.amazon.com

Four of my favorite foods:
1. ice cream
2. fajitas
3. pasta
4. chocolate

Four places I would rather be right now:
1. Hawaii
2. Mexico
3. Carribean
4. Bahamas
~anywhere I can get to the ocean!!

Four favorite bands/singers:
1. Tom Petty
2. Barenaked Ladies
3. Bon Jovi
4. John Lennon

I guess I'll tag Mell at: http://melmck.blogspot.com/

Why God Gave Me Infertility~For Carla

This was sent to me awhile ago and has helped when I was feeling blue... Carla said something about wanting to know God's plan that sparked my memory to this... Enjoy!

What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility? I think he meant for my husband and I to grow closer, become stronger, love deeper. I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get up every time infertility knocks us down. I think God meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equipment, create procedures and protocols. I think God meant for us to find a cure for infertility.

No, God never meant for me not to have children. That's not my destiny; that's just a fork in the road I'm on. I've been placed on the road less traveled, and, like it or not, I'm a better person for it. Clearly, God meant for me to develop more compassion, deeper courage, and greater inner strength on this journey to resolution, and I haven't let him down. Frankly, if the truth be known, I think God has singled me out for a special treatment. I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and so deep that when that baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest, most refreshing drink I've ever known.

While I would never choose infertility, I can not deny that a fertile woman could never know the joy that awaits me. Yes, one way or another, I will have a baby of my own. And the next time someone wants to offer me unsolicited advice I'll say, "Don't tell me what God meant when he handed me infertility. I already know."

H O P E

Today I have hope. She came back full force today. I'm not sure why she has decided to grace me once again with her presence, but I'm not pushing her away. I revel in her attention, enjoying every minute.

I had a doctor's appointment today, just for baseline bloodwork and ultrasound. I was unusually calm. Usually I'm so anxious, but today, nothing. They took me right back for my blood, and I didn't bruise today! After the blood and non-bruising, I had my ultrasound immediately. There was a new ultrasound tech. She was soooo young and kept saying things like "looks gorgeous" and "just one more peak and I'll be outie". Very strange comments when a perfect stranger has her hand betwen your thighs poking around with a condom wearing wand that closely resembles a dildo. Anyways.. She was poking around for a good 10 minutes. She found a fibroid and a "remnant" of a cyst or follie. I wasn't alarmed, I was just relieved when she got out of there!

I drove away and headed off to work out. My sister called and asked me to pick her up so she could work out with me. We watch the closed captioning of The View and discover we both don't believe in open marriages and dislike Colin Farrel because he looks like he needs a bath. We left and headed for Panera. I ate my fruit cup and large iced tea while my sister sipped her I.C. Mocha and butter laden bagel. My sister is a good 30 lbs less than me. Something is NOT fair in our gene pool! We go shop for awhile, and I discover she has been talking to some people at work about me and has all these women giving her information on adoption and such. I was shocked! I was under the impression that she was oblivious to my pain, but instead, she is out there doing preliminary leg work for adoption! I was amazed, especially after the fight I had with my mom!

Oh, and the nurse finally called saying my estrogen level was 30.2, and my progesterone level was .99 and I'm good to start Estrace and decrease lupron on Monday. And all I can think about is jumping online and ordering the Bella Band because I'll definitly need it soon...

Wow... Hope... Back full force. Please, please, please, don't let me down!

What to Expect When You Are NOT Expecting, Part II

In light of the lovely fight I had with my mom yesterday...

6. People will say dumb things. REALLY dumb things. Here are some of my favorites:
At least you aren't dying!
I have a friend, and she didn't talk about infertility at all!
You sure are crabby!
Not everyone needs to be educated.
Are you doing it right?
Are you getting the right hole?
You know it has to be done during the middle of your cycle, right?
Just relax! You are thinking about it too much!
Maybe you just aren’t meant to have children.
IVF will cause cancer.
If you do IVF, you’ll have to be on birth control pills for the rest of your life.
You know, there are other ways to have children.
I would NEVER go through IVF!
Are you pregnant yet? No? Well, tell me when you are.
Adopt! My sister was two weeks from getting her baby when she found out she was pregnant, so she didn’t need to adopt.
Call ME if you want to talk!
My friend told me not to bring it up, so I won't talk about it.
Here! I found this in a magazine. This is your answer!
I just went to my OB/GYN and took Clomid for a year.
You are lucky you have this extra time with your husband.
Have you checked your temperature?
This is God's way of teaching you patience.
You are going to be way overprotective when you have your baby.
God will give you a baby when your time is right.


I could comment on all of these things, but I can’t even dignify them with a response. I usually just stutter some lame response. And then, guess what? I cry...

Just to be fair....

Here are the BEST things people have said:

How are you doing?
Can I get you anything?
Can I help?
Tell me how this procedure works...
You and Jeff are going to make wonderful parents!
Your baby(ies) are going to be so lucky to have you!
There is a reason for everything... You will be able to help other women going through this.
You are amazing.
You are strong.
I will be a surrogate if you need me to be.
I'm coming over with a chocolate milkshake!
I love you.
The whole world is waiting on these babies. They are going to be so loved when they get here!
I'm proud of you.
I don't always know the right thing to say, but I am thinking about you.
I am praying for you.
You have every right to your feelings.
I can't wait to see your babies!!
I want to be a dad to our babies.

These comments were said with so much love by my friends (Venting Room, and the J's) my wonderful aunt, and my lovely husband. A lot of these comments are just supportive of me and my Jeff. They are just so simple, but they make me feel safe.


I know the insensitive comments are not meant to be vendictive or mean, but they hurt... I need to post "advice" like Dianne did!! :) Thanks for reading!

Another song

Whenever I hear the following song, I cry. In the video, there is this little girl, like 7 or 8 dancing around in her room as her jewelry box jams this song (fans and all included in the box!).
Since I first saw it, every time I hear this song, I think about how if I ever have a little girl, I will totally sing this to her!!

The World
Brad Paisley

To the teller down at the bank
You're just another checking account
To the plumber that came today
You're just another house
At the airport ticket counter
You're just another fare
At the beauty shop at the mall
Well you're just another head of hair
Well that's alright, that's ok
If you don't feel important, honey
All I've got to say is
[Chorus]
To the world
You may be just another girl
But to me
Baby, you are the world

To the waiter at the restaurant
You're just another tip
To the guy at the ice cream shop
You're just another dip
When you can't get reservations
'Cause you don't have the clout
Or you didn't get an invitation
'Cause somebody left you out
That's alright, that's ok
When you don't feel important honey
All I've got to say is

[Repeat chorus]

You think you're one of millions but you're one in a million to me
When you wonder if you matter, baby look into my eyes
And tell me, can't you see you're everything to me
That's alright, that's ok
When you don't feel important honey
All I've gotta say is
[Repeat chorus]

Lulu

About two weeks ago, I made the decision to "talk" to someone. A professional. Someone that can help me. I was nervous, as I've had bad experience in the past. I start driving, it starts raining. I see a little Yorkie tottering around in a pink tee-shirt. Yup, rhinestones and everything. I don't know what to do, so I call everyone I know. My friend, Jess, my sister, my mom, my husband. NO ONE ANSWERS!! So I leave strange messages. Jeff calls back, tells me to bring it to the humane society. I tell him, no, I'm going to the doctor. He starts sputtering who else to call. Um, I'm NOT a phone book, nor do I carry one with me... So I hang up on him, turn around and drive home. I grab the cat carrier for this little girl who has been sitting on my lap, shivering, and licking my fingers (I'm slowly falling in love and really contemplating just keeping her to myself). I am daydreaming about her name. Probably something like "Princess" or "Precious". Nah, looks like a Tallula to me... I LOVE that name... Anyways... as I'm grabbing the cat carrier, Jess has called. She tells me to call her back, and I do. No answer. She calls about 2 minutes later asking where I am because she is in front of my house. "I thought you were dying! What's going on?" I tell her. "A DOG?? Woof, woof, dog?" I know she probably thinks I'm nuts, and when I tell her I'm going to talk to someone, I can tell she is secretly relieved that her friend is not finger painting the kitchen floor wearing a gorilla suit and a pink wig.
The doctor's appointment is unimportant, but what is important is that not only does she let me take the dog into the office, but lets her in the room with us!
I am driving back home, and I call animal control. The woman looks up anyone in the surrounding area that has Yorkies, and gives me the name of a Yorkie an address. The name? Lulu. So adorable!! I LOVE it!! I ask the dog if that's her name and she starts wagging her little tail and spinning in circles.
I ring the bell, kind of hoping no ones answers so at least I can play with this little girl all day...
A woman comes to the door... A woman with a HUGE PREGNANT BELLY!! I want to run away... she gets this cute dog and is pregnant? I ask if she's lost a dog, and she says, yes and starts to cry. I hug her and tell her I have her in my car. The woman is grateful, but doesn't offer me her unborn child. I kindly ask her when she's due, offer congratulations, and get in my car. I start to call Jeff, and am in hysterics. I can't stop crying. Why couldn't she belong to some gay couple? Or just a normal woman? Why did she have to be pregnant and have a dog named Lulu???
All I can think of is that Lulu just had to bring me the message that I will be big and pregnant someday soon, too. Its a stretch, but, maybe its a glimmer of hope...

Kokopelli

I heard from my friend Jenn that she wore a kokopelli bracelet when she was ttc. I immediately had to have one!! I looked online, but found none that appealed to me. About a week later, I went to a jewelry trade show with my mom and aunt. Guess what the first thing I saw was? YUP!! I was soooo excited, and even more so when the woman said they were 1/2 off! Anyways, I'm in the middle of a huge post, but I thought I'd post information on this guy... :) I'm hoping it will work!
Have a great day!



Kokopelli
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Kokopelli is a fertility deity, usually depicted as a humpbacked flute player (often with a huge phallus and antenna-like protrusions on his head), who has been venerated by many Native American cultures in the Southwestern United States. Like most fertility deities, Kokopelli presides over both childbirth and agriculture. He is also a trickster god and represents the spirt of music.
Because of his influence over human sexuality, Kokopelli is often depicted with an inhumanly large phallus. Among the Ho-Chunk, this penis is detachable, and he sometimes leaves it in a river in order to have sex with girls who bathe there. Among the Hopi, Kokopelli carries unborn children on his back and distributes them to women (for this reason, young girls are often deathly afraid of him). He often takes part in rituals relating to marriage, and Kokopelli himself is sometimes depicted with a consort, a woman called Kokopelli-mana by the Hohokam and Hopi.[1]
Kokopelli also presides over the reproduction of game animals, and for this reason, he is often depicted with animal companions such as rams and deer. Other common creatures associated with him include sun-bathing animals such as snakes, or water-loving animals like lizards and insects. Because of this, some scholars believe that Kokopelli's flute is actually a blowgun (or started out as one), but this is a minority opinion.
In his domain over agriculture, Kokopelli's fluteplaying chases away the Winter and brings about Spring. Many tribes, such as the Zuni, also associate Kokopelli with the rains. He frequently appears with Paiyatamu, another flautist, in depictions of maize-grinding ceremonies. Some tribes say he carries seeds and babies on his back.
From approximately the 1990s onward, his image has appeared on neo-hippy artifacts such as clothing and amulets and as a tattoo, minus the large phallus.

What to Expect When You ARE NOT Expecting

WARNING!! This one is incredibly long... I wrote it on and off for a few days... I want to write a book about infertility. Not about the medical stuff... Enough books have been written about that. I should list my favorites! Next time... This blog is about What to Expect When You ARE NOT Expecting. This is my book title.

1. Expect your relationship with your husband to change drastically. I love my husband to death, but there are days when I wonder if its all worth it. All of his flaws (which are pretty minimal...) are exasperated by my depression about not having a baby. Everything he does that bugs me has a reason...He leaves the dishes in the sink, to me this means he doesn't care about our house, and how can we have a baby when our house is falling apart? He works late means he would rather spend time at work then with me, will this mean he'll be too tired to play with Baby when he gets home? He pushes our dog away after she's been licking his face for the ten minutes means he doesn't like affection, will he push our baby away? Totally illogical thoughts, I know this, but it doesn't help!


2. You will find out who your real friends are. The girls in the Venting Room, yup! I just wish they lived close enough to go shopping or have a margarita with... I have in my head three friends that I am planning on giving the address to this blog. I have chosen these three for very distinct reasons. Julia has been my friend since we were 16. We went through patches of time when we didn't talk at all! For the past 5 years, though, she has been there for me. She's often taken time from her family (including her adorable twin boys) to spend with me. For this, Julia, I LOVE YOU!! Jess and I started our relationship one snowy afternoon. We worked at a grocery store and were both assigned to push carts. Yup, in the snow. We were 17 and hit it off immediately! Jess and I spent way too many weekends driving to see boys that are so unimportant now I won't dignify them with another word. Jess became my college roommate for our junior and senior years of college. She was there for every broken heart, as well as for the good times. I know sometimes she doesn't know what to say as I'm broken hearted, but I know she is praying for this baby like I am. For this, Jess, I LOVE YOU!! Judi is my good school friend... She went through some infertility issues as well as a premature birth. Her baby boy is adorable with eyes like the ocean at sunrise... She really showed her true colors by calling me and emailing me very consitently, even though she is dealing with issues of her own. She is kind of like my big sister. For this, Judi, ILOVE YOU!! Yes, I only pick friends with the letter J...


3. Your family may not know what to say, so they may say nothing. The month I started ttc, my sister got engaged. My mom immediately said," You know you can't get pregnant now" and I burst into tears. I told her we had already started ttc, and I didn't want to stop. She told me to tell my sister just in case she didn't want a pregnant matron of honor. The day I went to try on bridesmaids dresses, I got my period, and kept crying. I had to tell my aunt what was going on... So, from the very beginning, my family knew. I figured it would take 3 mos, tops, and it wouldn't be a big deal. The months dragged on. My aunt, who dealt with infertility for years was really supportive. My mom had NO idea what to say. I remember when I told that J and I would have to do IVF. I just sobbed. She said, "What's the big deal? You can still have sex..." Um... thanks mom... My sister still doesn't talk about it. Today she was talking about her friend that left her 2 1/2 year old with her sister. I asked if that sister had kids. She said no and I said I was surprised she left her baby with her. My sister asked if I would leave my kids with her. I said no. I hurt her feelings. She said I would change my mind and I should trust her. I said "When you work this hard for a baby, you tell me if you want to let them out of your sight." Nothing more was said. This conversation took place at the gym, on the Eliptical trainer... at least I got my heart rate up!! Anyways... family loves you, they hate to see you hurt, so sometimes they say nothing. If only they knew this hurt more than anything...

4. You will get fat. When I started ttc, I was a very healthy weight. I fit into a size 8. I looked good, I felt good. I ate healthy, I worked out 5 days a week. I earned my 10% Weight Watchers key chain. I would be one of those adorably basketball pregnant woman. Every month that went by, my good habits fell by the wayside. I wanted french fries. I didn't want carrots. I stopped drinking my 8 oz. of water a day. Work out? Are you NUTS???? Nope, I opted for naps, justifying it by saying that soon I wouldn't be able to get anymore naps… I felt tired, so I MUST be pregnant, and I don’t want to work out to disturb this little embryo’s home… I became even more and more depressed. I couldn’t cook, so dear sweet hubby brought home McDonalds and Slurpees and took the dogs for walks at night… And then the hormones the RE gives you are HELL on a body... Its estimated you will gain about 5-10 lbs. What they don't tell you is that this is not normal weight gain... Its the "I'm not going anywhere" weight. And there isn't a thing you can do about it! Try walking on a treadmill when your ovaries have grown to about the size of watermelons. Not an easy task, let me tell you!! Whatever. As my sister said, "You'll gain even more weight if you get what you want, anyways." Yeah, I guess. Goodbye, skinny jeans... Hello adjustable waistbands!!

5. All you will be able to think about is getting pregnant and the fact the you aren't. From the moment I wake up, it is there, perched on my dresser as I put on my kokopelli bracelet. It’s the dread that comes from a shot of some hormone that will make me fat, tired, crabby, or cry... or all of the above! And the feeling stays with me as I drive to work, ready to face the cherubic faces of my first graders. Its there when I listen to the stories of the other teachers, oblivious to my pain as they complain that their 2 year old was up all night, or that their 5 year old won't eat anything brown. Its there when a parent calls me to tell me of an upcoming vacation. The feeling grows and becomes so big, I feel like I'm going to explode! I go to workout, burn some energy. In front of me, a woman and a stroller struggle through the front door. She kisses her baby good bye and heads for the stationary bike, Parents magazine in tow, trying to work off those last 10 pregnancy pounds. And I head home. On the news, another baby is found, stuffed in a dumpster. She's alive, and they are trying to locate her parents. I fight back the urge to run to the hospital and claim she's my sister in law's baby, and yes, I'll make sure she gets home... And then I go to bed. I take off my kokopelli bracelet, and say a little prayer. I dream. I dream of babies. Sometimes they are in my arms, sometimes they are toddlers. They always move before I can see their eyes.