Friday, July 27, 2007

Dh complaint

Today, dh took off of work so he could hang out with me and the baby. We saw the Harry Potter movie and then went to let out my mom's puppy and then off to his mom's house. My parents, brother and sister all went off to Great America for a day of fun. I was a little bummed that I was not invited, but I wouldn't have been able to go anyways. I felt a tiny twinge of jealousy, but it passed. I do miss my freedom from time to time, but I don't think I would trade it for all the money in the world. Tomorrow dh is going golfing with his dad. For some reason, this really irratated me. I wasn't sure why, and then it hit me... His life hasn't changed at all. While I am at home feeding, burping, changing and playing, he is at work (yes, I would much rather be at home!!). Over the weekends, he doesn't understand why we aren't going out to dinner or doing much of anything. Sometimes I get to go work out, but only if he gets home right after I feed Emilia. I'm not complaining, I'm just pondering why it is that dh's life gets to pretty much stay normal, while mine has completely turned upside down. Has anyone else experienced this? does it pass? I just hate that I find myself getting really angry at dh as he lounges on the couch while I'm doing mommy stuff. I just wish he would take Emilia and play with her and love her like I do. I want them to be close, but I feel like I am doing 95% of the bonding. Maybe because I was never close with my dad, I want things to be different. After all we went through for this kid, I would think he would be a little more into her... I don't know... maybe this is just sleepiness crabbiness talking...

Saturday, July 21, 2007

Two months old!

She can get her fist in her mouth all by herself!
Ready to go!
Two months old! Green is her color!

Seriously, have you seen a cuter kid?? If you have your own baby, I know you are thinking "uh, YES, right here!!"
Now that I am past most of the postpartum depression crap, motherhood has really sunken in. I have taken to holding her as much as possible (I'll post a picture of her in her sling soon!) and have given up on trying not to spoil her. Who cares if she is spoiled? I waited long enough for her, I'm going to spoil her if I want to!
I know I was depressed before because even though I felt love for her and was so happy she was here, it was hard to find a lot of joy. Does that even make sense? Everytime we would go out, I would be anxious that she would need to eat or be changed or cry. Now, she cries, I have no problems whipping out my boob and feeding my little monkey. If she cries, I don't worry about her upsetting other people. Who cares about them? And I have just found her to be the BEST listener! On more than one occasion, I've caught myself rambling on to her and people asking me "what?" and I have to say, "Oh, I'm just talking to my baby!" I don't dread being alone with her all day and actually relish the time. I love the days that I spend in my pjs and we just play all day!
For you new moms and moms to be... let people take over for you, don't feel guilty about napping, and tell your husband you need help!
Love and hope to all!

Thursday, July 12, 2007

The Clouds Have LIFTED!

I think I was depressed. Scratch that. I KNOW I was depressed. Was it the baby blues? Postpartum? Just adjusting to motherhood? I don't know. I hesitate posting this, but since I post about every other emotion that flies through my head, I might as well add this one!

I felt depressed being depressed. After all the hoping, praying, and shooting hormones into myself, I finally had what I had always dreamt of having... my little angel. But holding her I sometimes wondered if I could actually do this. I didn't feel like a good mom at all; quite the opposite... I felt like the worst mother in the world. I would hold her, feed her, go through the motions, and sometimes just want to run away and hide, just so I could sleep for 12 hours. And now that I needed the help, I had none. I was supposedly healed from the birth, she was older, I could handle this. I wished I could rewind time and take full advantage of people offering to watch her while I slept. I thought about giving up on breast feeding so dh could feed her more often. Maybe I was just plain exhausted. Even though I knew some depression was normal, hormonal, I still felt so incredibly guilty... This is what I wanted and now I wasn't even enjoying it. What a crappy mom!

I don't know what happened, perhaps the fight I had with dh last Sunday helped... or maybe it was the 4 a.m. tantrum I threw when he PROMISED to get up with her, yet slept peacefully as I fed her and got her back to sleep after a particularly crabby day (her and me!). Or maybe its helped that he has started to take over the 10 o'clock feeding (a formula feed... bad, bad mommy!!) and I've been getting some sleep. Whatever... I don't care. I just feel more like me! I feel like I dreamt I would feel. I did what I always dreamt I would do.

I cuddled her and she fell asleep against my chest. Instead of putting her down, I let her sleep.
I stared at her eyelashes and watched as she smiled in her sleep.
I smelled her head.
I fell in love.

Saturday, July 07, 2007

What being a mom has taught me...

1. The birds wake up at 3:45 and are very, very loud and obnoxious.
2. As soon as your child is on a schedule, they will change--remember when I said she was sleeping about 6 hours a night??? try 3 or 4 now!!
3. My husband, the man I love most in this world, the one who has put up with so much over the last 8 years we've been together, drives me so crazy ( can he just TRY to clean the bathroom? seriously...)
4. Online shopping is the devil.
5. Ebay is the devil's sister.
6. My mother thinks I don't know what I'm doing... I hold her too much, I don't let her "just cry", I feed her too much... I could go on, but I'll save that for another day!
7. No matter how little sleep I have had or how crabby I am, as soon as I see that smile, I just melt!
8. Sometimes nothing makes me happier than when she FINALLY poops!
9. I really don't care how clean my house is or if I haven't cooked a meal in 3 days or if going to the grocery store is a really big outing... as long as Mia is happy and safe!
10. I really don't want to go back to work.
11. Daytime TV sucks.
12. People will give you advice; even if you don't want it.
13. Anyone who has children out of elementary school has totally forgotten how hard it is to leave the house with a newborn.
14. I totally understand how the moms on What Not to Wear have let it get that far...
15. I really, really don't want to go back to work.
16. Life is about so much more than who has the biggest house or the largest amount in their bank account.
17. Girlfriends can be much more helpful than husbands (especially when they have food!)
18. Yes, it is all worth it... I would do it all over again (and probably will!)

Sunday, July 01, 2007

6 weeks later...

Here is my baby girl! She looks just like her daddy and not much like me. She is so sweet and funny. She is so not a crier; she'll just kind of complain. She's been going between 3-4 hours between feedings (much better than the every hour feeding). She sleeps about 6 hours a night. All and all, she is just a joy! I fall in love with her more and more every day. How could you not love that smile???