Saturday, August 25, 2007

Life Through the Dirty Window

I've been taking my anti-depression/anxiety medication for about 2 weeks now. Its like looking through life through a dirty window. I am beginning to see glimpses of What Life Can Be. Things like my baby girls infectious laugh, my husbands loving arms, and my friends quirky ways are beckoning me to break through. wow... I didn't know what I was missing. I can actually breathe without having to remind myself. I can send an email and not have to lie about how wonderful I feel. I can pick up the phone and call my sister without my heart threatening to break through my chest. The exhaustion that I have been feeling for quite some time has started to diminish. My midnight panic attacks have started to subside. And I laughed for the first time in a long time. I know I still have a long way to go, but seeing the promise of what life is really like makes me want to actually live to see it. I need to keep going for Emilia. She deserves to have a mom that is happy and can handle daily stress without having a meltdown.

I started school this week. 31 little souls are depending on me to guide them through the world of first grade. It was really hard to leave my baby. I cried and looked like a fool in front of my new principal (who is totally and completely awesome!!) and my teammates. I got lots of hugs and words of encouragement. It is super hard leaving her, but my days pass so quickly and I am learning how to become more organized so I'm not wasting time and can leave school quickly. For the first time in 7 years, I actually have many children who are not the lowest of the low. I really enjoy teaching the lowest of the low, so it will be a challenge to teach average/above average children. I look forward to finding new activities for them. When I get home from my day, I am off of teaching. I don't worry about school, I am focused on my family. Such a change!

Sunday, August 12, 2007


I've been getting posts from random women offering me advice... THANK YOU!! :) I appreciate all the help I can get because lately I have been feeling like my life is spinning out of control!

I talked to the therapist on Thursday, and she was worried! Great! I worried my therapist. She called my general practioner while I was in the office and made me set up an appointment to get medication (she can't perscribe them herself). She diagnosed me with PPD, and OCD. The thoughts that I have been having are NOT normal. I was told to reduce the times I check on her and to realize my fears are all unfounded... easier said then done. I was hesitant to get on the meds, but since Emilia is at the 3 month mark, they are pretty safe for breastfeeding. My GP was not worried about them entering her system and noted that I needed to take care of myself, too.

I've been really trying to leave dh alone with Emilia more. He mostly sticks her in the swing or her bouncy seat, but he has been interacting more. I just get so frustrated b/c the weekends have become my cleaning time, while he sits around and watches TV. My responsibilities have tripled; his have stayed the same. And he wonders why I'm not interested in any romance!

Today we are going on a date. I don't want to go. I hate leaving Emilia so much! Today we are leaving her with his parents who have seen her MAYBE 6 or 7 times since she's been born. His mom asked if she bought a Pack 'N Play would we bring her around more... um... no... come over here and enjoy her! I feel way more comfortable leaving her with my mom who has seen her pretty much every day or every other day since she has been born. I need to keep telling myself that she will be okay... it is not an easy thing to do. The images in my mind play like that of a parents worst nightmare... the stuff you hear about on the news that makes you cry... pure horror and terror.

Wish me luck!

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

Working Mama!

I started back to work this week, but only 1/2 days, and all I'm doing is setting up my classroom. We got a new principal, and if you didn't already know, our former one was not one of my favorite people. Our new guy has given us an extra week to work in our rooms. So nice! I am finishing this week so I have next week to be at home. It was really hard to drop her off at the "day care provider" (can't call her a "sitter" b/c she doesn't sit!!). I haven't been able to get a really good read on this woman, but when I went to pick up Mia, she was happy, so what more could I ask for? I felt some tears come to my eyes when I drove away, but I just cranked up the music. She is going again tomorrow and a couple days next week. This is not for her to get used to it; Emilia will be fine. She will be having so much fun hanging out and playing, she won't notice I'm gone! Its ME that is going to have the hard time!

I am just amazed at how fast time has flown! Mia will be 12 weeks old tomorrow! I wish I could say that I have relished every moment, but I haven't. Don't get me wrong, I love my little girl and am just go grateful that compared to so many I conceived with only my second IVF try. I don't consider myself blessed, because that would imply that those who haven't become moms yet are not blessed and it just sounds so conceited. Its late, I'm rambling... I don't know what I'm trying to say...

Anyway, I decided to go back to the psychologist. Even though the PPD has kind of given way, there are still some fleeting thoughts that scare me. I'm also going to talk to her about dealing with my friend Jess, who just found out she needs ANOTHER 3 rounds of chemo (she's already had 3, gotten a new knee and new thigh bone, and undergone 6 weeks of radiation). On top of it all, dh and I have not been getting along. Its not like we are fighting, we aren't. But, we aren't doing much of anything else, either.
Too much going on in my little brain!

Wednesday, August 01, 2007

Mind Your Own Breast-ness!

Today begins World Breastfeeding Week, so I thought I would talk a little about breast feeding. I won't get too grapic, so don't worry!

On the View, they were discussing whether formula should be handed out at hospitals in the little "Welcome Baby" bags the formula companies give to hospitals. Apparently, it has been discussed that instead of giving formula, there would only be breastfeeding information.

Sure, there is a ton if information stating breast milk is best for baby and mom, but it is really? When you are completely sleep deprived and your husband offers to feed your little angel so you can actually sleep, is breast best? People will argue that moms can pump and dad can feed, but what if you don't get a lot of milk through pumping? At the beginning, I would pump and get an ounce. Would Mia have been satisfied with that? Heck no!!

I am all for breast feeding. I love doing it and now that Emilia is sleeping through the night, I don't have to have dh give her a bottle in the middle of the night so I can sleep. But, there are some downfalls that are kind of rough. My breasts are huge and sagging. I cannot find a good bra that supports my girls. My hair has started to fall out. In order to have a night away from her, I would have to pump a ton, and pump while out so my breasts don't start springing leaks. When I go back to work, I will have to pump during my lunch and my break, leaving me with little time to be productive during those times. And when I am out with her, I get dirty looks when I feed her in public (I am TOTALLY covered... all you can see are little feet hanging out of a blanket!).
But, I feel so close to her when I feed her and I love that because of me, she is gaining weight and growing.

I don't think that the hospitals or government or whatever should continuously shove breastfeeding down new moms throats. Out of all of my friends, I only have 3 that have breast fed. All of my other friends chose to formula feed, and their children are all healthy, happy, creative little beans! We have talked about the pros and cons, and all of them that chose not to bf felt guilty. GUILT!! Like there isn't enough guilt thrown at a new mom!

Maybe the government should pay more attention to supporting new moms in other ways (like offer free babysitting so they can get out of the house and don't go totally crazy!!) and leave our breasts alone!