Saturday, September 09, 2006

One Neurotic Mama

If you are reading this and ttc, please, please, please don't be annoyed at my complaints. I feel like I'm going to loose it at any moment and just need to get it out!!

Since I found out I was pregnant, I have been on an emotional roller coaster. One minute I'll be day dreaming about baby toes and the feel of a newborn (or two) craddled against my chest... The next I'm convinced that somehow my blood test was mixed up or that when I have my u/s there will be nothing there. I woke up a couple days ago, and felt absolutly normal. My boobs didn't hurt, I didn't feel mayo in my mouth... I called the nurse and she reassured me that this was normal and that I would have good days and bad days as my body adjusted to the hormones. The next day, to make up for it, my boobs were sore again, and I felt the worst case of nausea yet (hooray for me!!). So I feel like I'm pregnant, and then a little voice says "you are on progesterone and estrogen; that can make you feel pregnant, too".

And the books don't help, either! Its all "guard your happiness" and "don't tell!" I have done so much to get this far, and you are telling me I can't be happy yet? If anyone knows of any really good pregnancy books, please share them... Something uplifting would be nice...

When I was ttc, I thought as soon as I get pregnant, I'll feel just such relief. And I did... For about 4 hours. My friends have all reassured me that this is totally normal and it will probably never go away. Worrying is part of motherhood.

Monday is my first u/s. I am a little apprehensive that there will be nothing. J is confident I have about 6 babies in me. I think once I see something, that will ease my fears, at least for a few hours...

Thank you for reading. Sorry for the complaints. Please, feel free to soothe my fears! :)


Melissa said...

Oh Joei! You are just so sweet! Your baby (babies maybe!) are just fine I'm sure! You sound just like Jenn in the beginning of her pregnancy-And look how far she's come? I know you have a whole new set of fears now, but soon they will fade as you get more and more excited and confident about your pregnancy! Yay for Joei! and good luck at your first u/s! I'm hoping for two little beans in there!

Sarah said...

Don't worry my friend B is almost 5 months pg and she hasn't had any symptoms at all! I think that god has decided that he made you wait so long for this that now he is going to let you enjoy it without yucky side effects. I have heard tht a good book to just put you in a good mood and a smile on your face is Belly Laughs by Jenny Mcarthy. Three of my pg friends have told me I have to read it when I finally get pg, they said it was hilarious and really made them feel better. I hope all your fears fade away quickly so you can enjoy your miracle. You, J and your "beans" are always in my prayers.
Love Always,

Kristin said...

Good luck at tomorrow's u/s! I can't wait to hear how many snowbabies are in there.

The worrying is normal. Hopefully, you feel more reassured after tomorrow's appt.

Jenn said...

Joei- I too have been where you are. It is really hard to believe and accept that everything is ok when you can't physically see it for yourself. Everything will be just fine once you can see for yourself on the ultrasound screen. And one good book that I love- The Girlfriend's Guide to Pregnancy. It is pretty darn truthful about all of the things to expect and waaaayyy better than What to Expect When Expecting. Give it a try. And hang in there, you will see your little peanut(s) tomorrow!

the other Melissa said...

I've been where you are twice now and twice on recieving end of bad news. I want to warn you against any "guarding your happiness." Be happy, enjoy it, celebrate! Spend time in this moment, because if something bad does happen, you won't be any less upset, angry, or devastated, if you deny yourself the happiness. In fact, you may even feel worse.

Go ahead, tell people. If something goes wrong those people you are dying to tell will be there to comfort you. Despite what the books say, not having anyone "know" isn't going to make it hurt any less.

Ok that being said, please try not to worry. I don't mean to scare you or anything, I know I don't have a very uplifting encouraging example. All that jazz people say about "guarding your happiness" just pisses me off. Those easy-breeders don't spend hours freaking out over every symptom. Because we are so overexposed to every possible bad situation, it becomes hard to actually believe in happy endings. Our innocence gets ripped away from us as we struggle and it's not f-ing fair. I feel the need to repeat something you said..."fuck you, infertility!"

Ok, stepping off the soapbox now...