First off, Dianne, I promise I'll fill out your tagging info soon! :)
Tomorrow is the day! My estrogen level went soaring up to 300, so we are back on! My RE's office thaws out embryos until they get two "good" ones. I really hope it doesn't take that many to thaw, and I know about 30% don't make it through a thaw. I just am hopeful that there will be some left in case this one doesn't work, or in case I want to do another FET after baby(ies) #1!
J took off of work so we could have a "fun day". We laid around in bed for awhile, just talking. J was making his b-day list, and I told him he should write me a poem instead. He wrote very sweet things about admiring my courage and thanking me for going through so much to give us a family. It was so sweet! He has become so much more compassionate lately! Not that he ever wasn't, but its more so! Anyways, we started the day by taking my car in to get a way overdue oil change and had breakfast at Colonial. Surrounding us were elderly couples, and I couldn't help but smile at the thought of J and I being that old someday, still holding hands. J then took me to the bookstore, saying I needed stuff to read. I couldn't find a lot that interested me, and everything that sounded good had babies in it, even the "Shopaholic and Sister" ended with her being pg (I always read the last few pages of a book before reading it)! I finally found a book and off we went! We went to see "Little Miss Sunshine", which was really good! A dark comedy, but great! We just kind of laid low and relaxed. I felt pretty calm all day.
But now its night. And the questions seep in. I am trying to shut my mind to them, but I can't help it. Its the typical garden variety, "What if it doesn't work again? Will I be able to handle it?" I want to be excited, but its a really weird feeling. I kind of feel that once those embryos are transfered, I will be pregnant, in a way. There will be live embryos in me, hopefully dividing and implanting. They have the possibility to become real live babies, something I want very much. I went over to my friend Judi's house and her baby fell asleep snuggled against me. The feeling was so overpowering. I just really knew; this is my journey. This is my dream. This is what I want. And maybe my reasons are not the "right" ones, but my babies are the missing piece to my soul.
Jenn and Yvonne assured me that God listens... God, please, answer this prayer; give me the chance to be a good mom, I won't let you down!