Friday, August 25, 2006

Ugly

I have a deep, dark, ugly side. It is sooooo ugly, I don't even want to talk about it, but I have a feeling its normal, and feel like I have to. I want to share ALL the feelings of infertility, not just the pretty ones...

I'm jealous. And its getting BAD!!! One of my friend's from high school called me up on Sunday, the day after my FET, announcing her baby daughter was born. She was healthy, 7 lbs, 15 oz. Know what my first thought was? "I hope she doesn't ask me to come see her." Isn't that terrible? I had to force myself to ask the right questions, and had to force emotion into my voice. All I really wanted to do was hang up and cry. My husband was right there and said "You did good."

There are two pg women at school and I can't WAIT until their babies are born! Why? So I don't have to see their bellies every day. One of them has this perfect little basketball and whenever I see her, I just stare at it. Terrible, right?

Today I was checking in emergency cards for kids. I just stopped and stared at them and thought "Why is this person so lucky? Why do they get to fill out emergency cards for their kids? Why can't I?" I must have had the strangest look on my face when a coworker walked in.

I'm even a little jealous of my friends. Jess is going to start trying soon, and I just remember that feeling... So optimistic... So hopeful... Part of me really hopes I get pg before you, Jess, and I'm sorry for that. I will be soooooo happy for you if you are pregnant, and I'm not, but you might have to give me some space. Same goes for you Judi, if you get pregnant with #2 before I have #1. I will honestly and whole heartedly be happy for you; its just difficult. And Julia, I love you boys so much, and I hate that little twinge that hits me. I find it pretty easy to push it out of the way and hug your boys soooo tight!! And when you call me and one is screaming, I don't feel so jealous anymore... ;) And my Venting room friends... I'm excited for you, especially since I know what you have gone through to get where you are. I have more hope that I will soon join your side than I feel jealousy. Its like "one of us made it to the other side!"

I've even started to throw away the baby announcements. I have a friend who will send me cute pics of her kids. Sometimes, I delete them without even looking at them.

This is an ugly, ugly, side. And I can't do a thing about it.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

I hope those feelings are normal, because I feel that way too. Hang in there, You are in my thoughts and prays. I think you did good too!
Sarah

Heather said...

Me too. I get all of those feelings. You aren't alone.

Jamie said...

This post totally hits home with me. I wish there was some way to control it but there just isn't. Baby craziness is insane.

Courtney said...

When you are infertile I think these feelings are just always there. Even when it works for you and you end up with a little one ... when you want a second and it doesn't work ... the feelings are right back again. Sorry we all have to go through this.