Thank you Judith Viorst for creating Harry and giving me a great blog title. And its so fitting... However, I only WISH the worst part of my day was not getting the shoes I wanted and finding gum in my hair. Sorry, Harry, I win!
By the way, I'm prone to outbursts of dramatic tendencies. My day wasn't that bad in reality, but in my world, it sucked!
School was fine. The kids are super chatty, but they are only 6, and really, I'm not a video game, I'm not a cartoon, I don't make balloon animals... How fun can I be??? "At least they are cute" is my mantra. However, one of my boys threw his arms around me, looked up with big eyes and said "I really love you!" If you want a confidence boost, teach 1st grade!
Afterwards, I rush off to my 4:00 class, which actually starts at 4:30, and has started at 4:30 for the past 2 years. No biggie. Our new instructor has us go around introducing each other (its a cohort, we've been together going on 3 years... we know LOTS!). When I had my first round of IVF in June, I had a summer class and missed a couple days because of the transfer and then because of a lovely bout with vertigo. Somehow, it got around that I was doing IVF while I was gone. Like I posted before, I don't care, I'm OUT... Anyways, the first girl to talk announces, "I'm due April 27th!" I mumble congrats as the class squeals. I'm a little irratated she didn't tell me personally or warn me or SOMETHING (is that really too much to ask?). In my head I think "everyone is going to have a baby before me!". We go around and I announce that I'm still not expecting, but could use mass quantities of chocolate. We keep going and another woman announces she is expecting, too! That makes THREE girls in our cohort of 18! The third is this bitchy girl I work with; the one who thinks I'm rude because I told her it might be hard for me to be around her while she's pregnant and I'm struggling so hard to be(its hard to be around her NOT pregnant, too!). I'm fighting back the tears as more congratulations are squealed. I don't even attempt to look happy. I'm not. Then, then, THEN bitchy pregnant girl starts complaining because she is due in October and might miss 2 classes and (gasp!) our instructor is going to take off (gasp, again!) 2% form her grade. I want to scream "You get a BABY!! Who cares about 2% points???" I make it through class without crying and without screaming. I try to push the thoughts of "What if there are no babies left for ME????" And seriously, what are the odds that I'll be pg if there are already 3 preggos in class now???
I make it home, and J is cooking tacos. I tell him about it and he hugs me and says it will be alright. My sister calls at that moment and starts rambling on about how she is sooooo busy at work, and she's going to go visit her friend tomorrow and Friday and Why haven't I called??? She never asks how I'm feeling. Not one hint that maybe MY life is a little more stressful than hers... After about 15 minutes of her talking she snaps, "I'm going to let you go b/c you just don't seem that into talking", and not in a nice, sisterly way... I tell her I had a bad day. No response. Not, why? What happened? Nothing. She wonders why I don't call. I hang up and burst into tears.
Sorry, Harry... I win.
Oh, and tomorrow is my beta. I am feeling NO symptoms. Just tired and crabby and hopeless.
Fuck you, infertility!
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3 comments:
Joei- tired and cranky ARE symptoms. I didn't feel anything else either!! Just hang in there honey- and have no fear, there are plenty of babies to go around- especially for loving people like you. It's hard to stay positive so I'm not even going to try to convince you. All you have to do is make it one more day so that they can do your beta and you will at least know one way or the other for this cycle. And I'm really hoping that tired and cranky are just the FIRST symptoms you see! Love ya.
"Fuck you, infertility!"
Best infertility blog sign-off EVER!!! I give it a perfect 10.0. Have I told you how much you kick ass?
I'm am wishing as hard as I possibly can for a BFP tomorrow.
I am so sorry you had such an icky day! Teaching is very stressful and then when you add IVF and graduate work on top it is no wonder that you feel the way you do. Hang in there and post about your beta as soon as you know. All of your friends in blogland are rooting for you!
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