What to Expect When You ARE NOT Expecting

WARNING!! This one is incredibly long... I wrote it on and off for a few days... I want to write a book about infertility. Not about the medical stuff... Enough books have been written about that. I should list my favorites! Next time... This blog is about What to Expect When You ARE NOT Expecting. This is my book title.

1. Expect your relationship with your husband to change drastically. I love my husband to death, but there are days when I wonder if its all worth it. All of his flaws (which are pretty minimal...) are exasperated by my depression about not having a baby. Everything he does that bugs me has a reason...He leaves the dishes in the sink, to me this means he doesn't care about our house, and how can we have a baby when our house is falling apart? He works late means he would rather spend time at work then with me, will this mean he'll be too tired to play with Baby when he gets home? He pushes our dog away after she's been licking his face for the ten minutes means he doesn't like affection, will he push our baby away? Totally illogical thoughts, I know this, but it doesn't help!


2. You will find out who your real friends are. The girls in the Venting Room, yup! I just wish they lived close enough to go shopping or have a margarita with... I have in my head three friends that I am planning on giving the address to this blog. I have chosen these three for very distinct reasons. Julia has been my friend since we were 16. We went through patches of time when we didn't talk at all! For the past 5 years, though, she has been there for me. She's often taken time from her family (including her adorable twin boys) to spend with me. For this, Julia, I LOVE YOU!! Jess and I started our relationship one snowy afternoon. We worked at a grocery store and were both assigned to push carts. Yup, in the snow. We were 17 and hit it off immediately! Jess and I spent way too many weekends driving to see boys that are so unimportant now I won't dignify them with another word. Jess became my college roommate for our junior and senior years of college. She was there for every broken heart, as well as for the good times. I know sometimes she doesn't know what to say as I'm broken hearted, but I know she is praying for this baby like I am. For this, Jess, I LOVE YOU!! Judi is my good school friend... She went through some infertility issues as well as a premature birth. Her baby boy is adorable with eyes like the ocean at sunrise... She really showed her true colors by calling me and emailing me very consitently, even though she is dealing with issues of her own. She is kind of like my big sister. For this, Judi, ILOVE YOU!! Yes, I only pick friends with the letter J...


3. Your family may not know what to say, so they may say nothing. The month I started ttc, my sister got engaged. My mom immediately said," You know you can't get pregnant now" and I burst into tears. I told her we had already started ttc, and I didn't want to stop. She told me to tell my sister just in case she didn't want a pregnant matron of honor. The day I went to try on bridesmaids dresses, I got my period, and kept crying. I had to tell my aunt what was going on... So, from the very beginning, my family knew. I figured it would take 3 mos, tops, and it wouldn't be a big deal. The months dragged on. My aunt, who dealt with infertility for years was really supportive. My mom had NO idea what to say. I remember when I told that J and I would have to do IVF. I just sobbed. She said, "What's the big deal? You can still have sex..." Um... thanks mom... My sister still doesn't talk about it. Today she was talking about her friend that left her 2 1/2 year old with her sister. I asked if that sister had kids. She said no and I said I was surprised she left her baby with her. My sister asked if I would leave my kids with her. I said no. I hurt her feelings. She said I would change my mind and I should trust her. I said "When you work this hard for a baby, you tell me if you want to let them out of your sight." Nothing more was said. This conversation took place at the gym, on the Eliptical trainer... at least I got my heart rate up!! Anyways... family loves you, they hate to see you hurt, so sometimes they say nothing. If only they knew this hurt more than anything...

4. You will get fat. When I started ttc, I was a very healthy weight. I fit into a size 8. I looked good, I felt good. I ate healthy, I worked out 5 days a week. I earned my 10% Weight Watchers key chain. I would be one of those adorably basketball pregnant woman. Every month that went by, my good habits fell by the wayside. I wanted french fries. I didn't want carrots. I stopped drinking my 8 oz. of water a day. Work out? Are you NUTS???? Nope, I opted for naps, justifying it by saying that soon I wouldn't be able to get anymore naps… I felt tired, so I MUST be pregnant, and I don’t want to work out to disturb this little embryo’s home… I became even more and more depressed. I couldn’t cook, so dear sweet hubby brought home McDonalds and Slurpees and took the dogs for walks at night… And then the hormones the RE gives you are HELL on a body... Its estimated you will gain about 5-10 lbs. What they don't tell you is that this is not normal weight gain... Its the "I'm not going anywhere" weight. And there isn't a thing you can do about it! Try walking on a treadmill when your ovaries have grown to about the size of watermelons. Not an easy task, let me tell you!! Whatever. As my sister said, "You'll gain even more weight if you get what you want, anyways." Yeah, I guess. Goodbye, skinny jeans... Hello adjustable waistbands!!

5. All you will be able to think about is getting pregnant and the fact the you aren't. From the moment I wake up, it is there, perched on my dresser as I put on my kokopelli bracelet. It’s the dread that comes from a shot of some hormone that will make me fat, tired, crabby, or cry... or all of the above! And the feeling stays with me as I drive to work, ready to face the cherubic faces of my first graders. Its there when I listen to the stories of the other teachers, oblivious to my pain as they complain that their 2 year old was up all night, or that their 5 year old won't eat anything brown. Its there when a parent calls me to tell me of an upcoming vacation. The feeling grows and becomes so big, I feel like I'm going to explode! I go to workout, burn some energy. In front of me, a woman and a stroller struggle through the front door. She kisses her baby good bye and heads for the stationary bike, Parents magazine in tow, trying to work off those last 10 pregnancy pounds. And I head home. On the news, another baby is found, stuffed in a dumpster. She's alive, and they are trying to locate her parents. I fight back the urge to run to the hospital and claim she's my sister in law's baby, and yes, I'll make sure she gets home... And then I go to bed. I take off my kokopelli bracelet, and say a little prayer. I dream. I dream of babies. Sometimes they are in my arms, sometimes they are toddlers. They always move before I can see their eyes.