Friday, July 07, 2006

A Failed Cycle

This is my attempt to blog. I have some friends in cyber space that do it and love it... I don't know if I'll give my address out to my friends and family. I don't want to offend anyone!

I did my first IVF cycle in June. I was so excited, especially after I was told I had 36 follicles. On my retrieval day, they got 21 eggs. 11 fertilized. 9 were a grade A, 2 a grade B. My RE told me on the day of our transfer that there was a 70% chance of getting pregnant, and a 1 in 3 chance of having twins! I would have jumped for joy if my bladder hadn't been so full. I felt the tears well up as he inserted two little bubbles into my awaiting womb made much more friendly from eating many, many pineapples. As my loving husband was driving me home, I started to feel nauseous. I thought it was just the heat. By the time we got home, I was officially car sick. I ran into the house and threw up. I felt pretty nauseous the entire weekend. My friends laughed saying it was just morning sickness coming really early. When by Monday I couldn't even get out of bed, I was worried. I called my RE and they found it very strange and told me to go to my general practioner. I couldn't even make it to my bathroom, how could I drive? I called my mom. I swear she thought I was faking it! Anyways, turns out I had vertigo. I was reassured by the nurse at my RE's office that throwing up would not impact the results. I was still a little nervous...

I waited. I was excited, until I had a dream that I was giving birth. I woke up and thought, It didn't happen. I had to wait until that Friday for the news. I went through many emotions. Sometimes I would be so optimistic, other times, I was positive I wouldn't be pregnant. I just didn't feel it. I was reassured I probably wouldn't feel anything anyways; it was way too early.


Then Friday came... The dreaded phone call: "Your HCG level is less than 1, so you are not pregnant..." followed by 10 minutes of what I need to do and who I need to call and then, "have a great weekend"... Um... how? I cried, sobbed, obnoxious, ugly sounds came out of me. Tears I haven't cried since I was 10 and got sent to my room because of something I did or said, which was probably all my sister's fault anyways. My husband held me and hugged me and tried to console me. He couldn't answer my questions: Why did they stay? Was I already a terrible mom, I couldn't keep two embryos happy? How can I not be pregnant?

I called my mom. She had been waiting all day. I tried to be calm, but when she asked how I was, I broke down. I have seen my mom cry at funerals, and that's about it. She is strong. She is not emotional. She is very level headed. She is the opposite of me. That day, she cried. I heard it in her voice. It broke my heart that I brought my mom to tears.

I shouldn't have been surprised. I really wasn't, but I still had hope.
Saturday the phone calls and emails started coming from well meaning friends. "Are you pregnant?"

I think I'll keep my blood test a secret next time.

2 comments:

Kris said...

Joei, your post is so touching! Thanks for sharing your blog with us.

Rowans-mum said...

Joei - Honey, you made me cry too. I am just so glad that you have started this blog, you have a lovely style of writing - straight from the heart xxx