Sunday, July 09, 2006

My Path

When I started on the path to being a mommy, I was a wide-eyed optimist, confident that my husband and I would be pregnant within moments of trying. One of my fellow teacher friends started trying about a month before me, and immediately became pregnant. Another friend who had been trying for almost a year, finally became pregnant as well. I was extremely excited! I would get to share in the glow of mom-to-be hood. As the months went by, and I devoted I don't even want to try to figure out how many dollars to ovulation predictor kits and pregnancy tests (proven to detect hcg 5 days before your period is due!), I knew something wasn't right.

Well meaning friends and family members told me to relax, don't think about it, sometimes it just takes time, etc., We had begun trying in March. When I got my period on Christmas day, I decided it was time to start researching reproductive endocronologist; they are the big guns in the world of infertility. I didn't even stop to see an ob/gyn, knowing they would put me on clomid and send me on my way. I couldn't deal with not know why I hadn't became pregnant yet.

I was put through a bunch of tests, mostly blood tests, internal ultrasounds, and a procedure that involved injecting dye into my fallopian tubes (about as painful as someone sticking a knife inside you and thrashing it around). All came up fine. I was diagnosed with mild PCOS, which just meant I had cysts on my ovaries, and in some women it causes them not to ovulate and produce less than stellar eggs. I was ovulating every month.

Jeff had his test. Yup, test. One. He went to a room, looked at some magazines, and was sent home. Yes, one test. God must be a man...

Jeff got the call about a week and a half later. He had lots of sperm (180 million), and great motility (they could get around), but his morphology was 0%, which means NONE of them were shaped correctly. None of his sperm could penetrate my awaiting egg. He was told our only option was IVF. He called me at school to tell me this. I didn't believe him, thought he got only part of the story. I love him to death, but, he is a guy after all...

I called the next day. The nurse would not give me his test results. I rolled my eyes into the phone, and told her I knew the results, but what the heck is the deal with the IVF? We were too young for IVF, right? She told me, no, that was our only option. They would have to inject one of Jeff's sperm into my egg, a procedure called ICSI. This was big times.

I remember it was the beginning of the school day when I got this news. I had another teacher watch my class as I took the phone call. I sat in her office and cried into the phone as the nurse explained the procedure. I hung up, and just kept crying. I couldn't help it. I just felt like someone ran over me with the reality truck. It was so concrete. There would never be a "surprise, we are pregnant!" It would all be clinical, Jeff and I wouldn't even be involved as our embryos developed. And what if they never did? Would we ever be parents?

I am at peace with IVF. I thank God that He created such awesome doctors. I am still a little anxious about of the whole thing... It feels so much like a last resort, especially since this last cycle failed.

I have heard there is a baby out there for everyone, and the path to get to that baby might just be full of lot of twists and turns. I will go through every twist, turn, and loop-de-loop... I just have to keep that faith that God will lead me to my baby!

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