Sunday, July 16, 2006

Scared

Today I just feel sad. Maybe its because of the baby shower I went to. My best friend went with me. The whole way there, I did my deep breathing exercises. I felt the panic attacks come and go. I just can't breathe. I have homwork to do, and I just can't seem to get it done. I have a list of things I need to complete before the end of summer... Before my FET... I can barely seem to make it out of bed.

And I'm scared shitless. There I said it. I am SCARED!!! Of what? Mostly, well, everything. I am scared I will not get pregnant. I am scared I will go through 15 IVFs, quit, and then wonder, maybe if I had done one more... I'm scared I will never get to see a reflection of my sweet husband and I in another life.

I'm scared I'll get pregnant and miscarry. The miscarriage rate for IVF patients is 30% during the first 12 weeks. This is slightly higher than the 20% miscarriage rate for "normal" pregnancies. It is probably because IVF patients know they are pregnant sometimes before a period is missed and if the baby stops growing, and there is a miscarriage, the IVF patient knows. Any other woman would think she is getting her period. This is a huge concern. I know if I do get pregnant, the first 12 weeks will be spent being as horizontal as possible.

I'm scared about adoption. Wow. What a huge process that is! J and I have decided that if this next cycle fails, we'll start looking into this. Where will we get the $20,000? Who knows. Maybe we'll rob a bank. Then I'll go to jail and be someone's bitch. That DEFINITLY won't get me pregnant... I'm scared we'll be close to the end, and bam! Adoption failed. It happens. What if it happens to us?

I'm scared I won't be a good mom. Maybe God knows something I don't and isn't giving me the baby I have been dreaming of for a reason. I mean, I am a little unorganized. I'm messy. I don't like housework. I always fall behind on laundry. I can be impatient. Plus, when/if I have a baby, it will be so spoiled, and do we really need anymore spoiled people in this world?

I'm scared J is going to get so fed up with me and my crazy mood swings and just leave. Does he care, I mean really, would he care if we ended up child-free? Probably not so much. Sure, he wants kids, but come on... sleeping in, eating out, not worrying about the nutrional contents of our refrigerator does have its perks.

I'm just scared. I don't have my strength today. I'm scared it will not come back.

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