I used to be free... I used to dance and sing and blow bubbles. And I used to laugh. I mean REALLY laugh, you know, the kind where you can't breathe and you forget what is so funny. I used to be funny. Now all I talk about is babies and trying to have one and how it isn't fair that I don't have one. And I really doubt there is anything that will change that until I have my little baby in my arms, feel her heart beating, smell her sweet baby smell.
Today, I had a glimpse of the real me, the me I like, the me other people like. My best bud Julia took time away from her adorable twin boys to hang out with me. I was in such a bad, bad, mood, but I went out anyways. We have been friends for so long, going on 12 years now, she is more of a sister to me than my biological sister is! She knew I was crabby and called me on it, saying she was going to get me moving! We went roller blading, something neither of us had done in years, probably since before she got pregnant, which was over 3 years ago! Within minutes, she had fallen and scraped her knee. Instead of crying, like I would have done, she laughed and said she was proud of her "boo boo". We went on. I cried a little, I screamed a little, we both talked about how it isn't fair that IVF didn't work. I told her how scared I was that it might never work. She said it would, and if it didn't, she would be a surrogate for me. This is just the kind of person Julia is. Selfless, free, proud of her boo-boos. She really brings out the best in me and I strive to be like her. We went and got coffee, and the real me kept coming out. I talked to her, she listened. I felt myself relax. I felt a glimmer of hope that maybe someday I will be pregnant, or if not have adopted children. It just felt possible.
As I drove home, I opened all the windows in my car, blasted the Indigo Girls, and sang really loudly (and off key). I had my arm out the window and I saw people staring. I don't care. I will carry infertility like my own boo boo and be proud that I am getting through it with only a few minor scrapes. And when I hold my baby for the first time, whether it be born from my womb or my heart, I know Julia will be there to kiss away all the tears and cover my boo boo with a band aid.