Surreal

That's about all I can say...
My hcg level is 245. My progesterone level is 15.9. My doctor thinks its a little too low, so I'm taking a concentrated version of 1 cc of progesterone increase it. I would take 12 shots a day, just to stay... PREGNANT!! I can't believe it! I made J stop at Walgreens to get a Clearblue Easy test, just to see the word.
I doubted it sooooo much! I have no symptoms except for being tired, but who isn't tired!!
It just isn't real yet. I don't think it will feel real until I'm feeling kicks!

Thanks for all your thoughts and prayers... I know they helped!

Oh crap! Didn't I promise these babies a car???

Joei and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good Very Bad Day!

Thank you Judith Viorst for creating Harry and giving me a great blog title. And its so fitting... However, I only WISH the worst part of my day was not getting the shoes I wanted and finding gum in my hair. Sorry, Harry, I win!

By the way, I'm prone to outbursts of dramatic tendencies. My day wasn't that bad in reality, but in my world, it sucked!

School was fine. The kids are super chatty, but they are only 6, and really, I'm not a video game, I'm not a cartoon, I don't make balloon animals... How fun can I be??? "At least they are cute" is my mantra. However, one of my boys threw his arms around me, looked up with big eyes and said "I really love you!" If you want a confidence boost, teach 1st grade!

Afterwards, I rush off to my 4:00 class, which actually starts at 4:30, and has started at 4:30 for the past 2 years. No biggie. Our new instructor has us go around introducing each other (its a cohort, we've been together going on 3 years... we know LOTS!). When I had my first round of IVF in June, I had a summer class and missed a couple days because of the transfer and then because of a lovely bout with vertigo. Somehow, it got around that I was doing IVF while I was gone. Like I posted before, I don't care, I'm OUT... Anyways, the first girl to talk announces, "I'm due April 27th!" I mumble congrats as the class squeals. I'm a little irratated she didn't tell me personally or warn me or SOMETHING (is that really too much to ask?). In my head I think "everyone is going to have a baby before me!". We go around and I announce that I'm still not expecting, but could use mass quantities of chocolate. We keep going and another woman announces she is expecting, too! That makes THREE girls in our cohort of 18! The third is this bitchy girl I work with; the one who thinks I'm rude because I told her it might be hard for me to be around her while she's pregnant and I'm struggling so hard to be(its hard to be around her NOT pregnant, too!). I'm fighting back the tears as more congratulations are squealed. I don't even attempt to look happy. I'm not. Then, then, THEN bitchy pregnant girl starts complaining because she is due in October and might miss 2 classes and (gasp!) our instructor is going to take off (gasp, again!) 2% form her grade. I want to scream "You get a BABY!! Who cares about 2% points???" I make it through class without crying and without screaming. I try to push the thoughts of "What if there are no babies left for ME????" And seriously, what are the odds that I'll be pg if there are already 3 preggos in class now???

I make it home, and J is cooking tacos. I tell him about it and he hugs me and says it will be alright. My sister calls at that moment and starts rambling on about how she is sooooo busy at work, and she's going to go visit her friend tomorrow and Friday and Why haven't I called??? She never asks how I'm feeling. Not one hint that maybe MY life is a little more stressful than hers... After about 15 minutes of her talking she snaps, "I'm going to let you go b/c you just don't seem that into talking", and not in a nice, sisterly way... I tell her I had a bad day. No response. Not, why? What happened? Nothing. She wonders why I don't call. I hang up and burst into tears.

Sorry, Harry... I win.

Oh, and tomorrow is my beta. I am feeling NO symptoms. Just tired and crabby and hopeless.
Fuck you, infertility!

In or Out?

OUT, I'm soooo OUT there! I think I'm one of the few, and sometimes that embarrasses me. Like I should be more personal about it, but I can't.

I wear my pomegrante bracelet with pride (although not one person ask inquired about it); I'd wear all pomegrante clothes if if would label me more! If there was a parade, I'd be waving my flag! My sister would be home, denying that infertility exists, and my mom would be the one covering her eyes and telling people, "Its just a phase" and telling me "Stop being so crabby; you're not dying!" as I walk by, IF grabbing by the balls, singing "So Hard" by the Dixie Chicks. Yup, I'm out.

And why not? I had so many people help me along my route, but there was so much missing, so much NOT talked about that I had to read up on and ask my IF pals about. And why? And I quote my mom, "Not everyone needs to be educated". This is the thinking of so many women. "If its not happening to me, its not happening". I swear to you, some of my friends still live under the guise that if I just "relax" and take a vacation, I will miraculously get pregnant. Unfortunatly, no matter what I do, J's sperm will not change its shape. Just today this guy at work (see, I tell EVERYONE!!) was telling me him and his wife tried for 6 years and had just given up, and then it happened! WOW! So, I should just wait, give up, and then I'll be pregnant? And why the HELL didn't they see a doctor after trying for say, a year? I just don't understand and the majority of people don't want to understand.

I feel like I was given IF for a reason. Its my thing to fight against. Its my thing to fight for equal rights for IF patients! So many women are struggling with being able to PAY for IVF and Dianne, you are right, those rules are passed by men strung out on Viagra. Why are vasectomies covered? Why are abortions covered? If you are going to cover one, they all need to be covered. Its like telling a diabetes patient treatment won't be covered, the diagnosis will. What the HELL??? This is why we all need to band together and FIGHT! The more people that know, the more our voice will be heard.

Who will join me in my parade? I dare you...

Hello? Snowbabies? Are you in there???

Today is 8 dp3dfet. I feel nothing. No symptoms. Should I feel anything? Please, just tell me NO and I'll be a happy camper! I wish a little fairy would come down and tell me if my snowbabies have stuck or not! I've been getting a little light headed, but that could be from all the estrace I'm on. My boobs don't hurt, although my chest is broken out. I don't feel bloated, but when I eat, I feel a fullness sooner than normal. I'm exhausted, but, I'm taking all that progesterone, and I just started back up at school. If I get realistic, I'm only about 11dpo, which is too soon for even a hpt, which I refuse to do. I still have some hope, and I'm hanging on with dear life!

J and I have been talking to our snowbabies who we decided we will name Jonas Rocket (stolen from Blink 182 guy) and Jayden (JayJay) Rainbow. Yup! I have been promising all sorts of things to them, like the monkey at Target, and a new SUV to fit their way cool double stroller that we will also buy them. I mean, come on! What more could two little snowbabies want??? A trip to Disney World? Done! Ice cream for breakfast? No problem! The sky is the limit, little ones! So many people are awaiting your decision... Please STICK, STICK, STICK!!!

Can Thursday PLEASE hurry up!!!

Ugly

I have a deep, dark, ugly side. It is sooooo ugly, I don't even want to talk about it, but I have a feeling its normal, and feel like I have to. I want to share ALL the feelings of infertility, not just the pretty ones...

I'm jealous. And its getting BAD!!! One of my friend's from high school called me up on Sunday, the day after my FET, announcing her baby daughter was born. She was healthy, 7 lbs, 15 oz. Know what my first thought was? "I hope she doesn't ask me to come see her." Isn't that terrible? I had to force myself to ask the right questions, and had to force emotion into my voice. All I really wanted to do was hang up and cry. My husband was right there and said "You did good."

There are two pg women at school and I can't WAIT until their babies are born! Why? So I don't have to see their bellies every day. One of them has this perfect little basketball and whenever I see her, I just stare at it. Terrible, right?

Today I was checking in emergency cards for kids. I just stopped and stared at them and thought "Why is this person so lucky? Why do they get to fill out emergency cards for their kids? Why can't I?" I must have had the strangest look on my face when a coworker walked in.

I'm even a little jealous of my friends. Jess is going to start trying soon, and I just remember that feeling... So optimistic... So hopeful... Part of me really hopes I get pg before you, Jess, and I'm sorry for that. I will be soooooo happy for you if you are pregnant, and I'm not, but you might have to give me some space. Same goes for you Judi, if you get pregnant with #2 before I have #1. I will honestly and whole heartedly be happy for you; its just difficult. And Julia, I love you boys so much, and I hate that little twinge that hits me. I find it pretty easy to push it out of the way and hug your boys soooo tight!! And when you call me and one is screaming, I don't feel so jealous anymore... ;) And my Venting room friends... I'm excited for you, especially since I know what you have gone through to get where you are. I have more hope that I will soon join your side than I feel jealousy. Its like "one of us made it to the other side!"

I've even started to throw away the baby announcements. I have a friend who will send me cute pics of her kids. Sometimes, I delete them without even looking at them.

This is an ugly, ugly, side. And I can't do a thing about it.

The Plight of the Tiny Snowbabies!

Saturday was the day! J and I got up early... Okay, I got up early, J rolled around in bed until it was time to go... I made him take me to Panera for breakfast (let the spoiling begin!). We went to the office and barely had to wait, which was great since my bladder was soooo full! Not full enough, however, as Nurse made me drink another entire water bottle!

The embryologist came in and said she had to thaw out 6 snowbabies to get 2 good ones. One was an A and starting to compact, and the other was a B, starting to show signs of compaction. Don't ask what compaction is, I don't know... I was a little sad about my discarded snowbabies, and the fact that I only have 3 left, but I'm trying to be hopeful that I won't even need them!

The procedure was a little painful, but I'm sure nothing compared to childbirth. The entire time I kept praying "Please God, let this be it... Let these little embryos grow to become healthy babies!"

The doctor shook our hands and said that he thinks he'll be giving us good news in a couple weeks. The amount of hope I have in that is so overwhelming. The nurse gave us an ultrasound picture, and I so badly want to put it in a baby book. "This is you when you were 8 cells..."

My aunt called me up, all excited, saying "This is IT! I can feel it! I just know it!" I really hope so! I'm feeling really, really hopeful about the whole thing. I'm going to try to hold on to that feeling for as long as possible.

Its just amazing to think that I have little snowbabies in me... Its just a nice feeling. And I'm embracing it with my entire heart and soul!

'Twas the Night Before FET

First off, Dianne, I promise I'll fill out your tagging info soon! :)

Tomorrow is the day! My estrogen level went soaring up to 300, so we are back on! My RE's office thaws out embryos until they get two "good" ones. I really hope it doesn't take that many to thaw, and I know about 30% don't make it through a thaw. I just am hopeful that there will be some left in case this one doesn't work, or in case I want to do another FET after baby(ies) #1!

J took off of work so we could have a "fun day". We laid around in bed for awhile, just talking. J was making his b-day list, and I told him he should write me a poem instead. He wrote very sweet things about admiring my courage and thanking me for going through so much to give us a family. It was so sweet! He has become so much more compassionate lately! Not that he ever wasn't, but its more so! Anyways, we started the day by taking my car in to get a way overdue oil change and had breakfast at Colonial. Surrounding us were elderly couples, and I couldn't help but smile at the thought of J and I being that old someday, still holding hands. J then took me to the bookstore, saying I needed stuff to read. I couldn't find a lot that interested me, and everything that sounded good had babies in it, even the "Shopaholic and Sister" ended with her being pg (I always read the last few pages of a book before reading it)! I finally found a book and off we went! We went to see "Little Miss Sunshine", which was really good! A dark comedy, but great! We just kind of laid low and relaxed. I felt pretty calm all day.

But now its night. And the questions seep in. I am trying to shut my mind to them, but I can't help it. Its the typical garden variety, "What if it doesn't work again? Will I be able to handle it?" I want to be excited, but its a really weird feeling. I kind of feel that once those embryos are transfered, I will be pregnant, in a way. There will be live embryos in me, hopefully dividing and implanting. They have the possibility to become real live babies, something I want very much. I went over to my friend Judi's house and her baby fell asleep snuggled against me. The feeling was so overpowering. I just really knew; this is my journey. This is my dream. This is what I want. And maybe my reasons are not the "right" ones, but my babies are the missing piece to my soul.

Jenn and Yvonne assured me that God listens... God, please, answer this prayer; give me the chance to be a good mom, I won't let you down!

Estrogen Delay

I went to my RE today... My lining is good at 10.3 (anything above 7 makes my doctor happy!). However, my estrogen level is only 83, and they want it above 120. I have to take, get this...
12 estrace pills a day!! I was taking 6 and thought that was a lot. The pills are about the size of 1/2 a tic tac, so they are no big deal. The bummer is that they are pushing my FET day back, and that's if my estrogen level goes up... If its not up... CANCELLED... yuck. I'm so bummed about the whole thing. I was looking forward to having my 2 bed rest days, and then 2 days to chill out at home... Not anymore... and that's if it isn't cancelled.

I told J it was as if God didn't want me to have a baby. Of course he told me that wasn't true, but what if it is? God, if you are listening, I will be the best mom I can be to my baby(ies)! I will spoil them with love. They will never, ever doubt that I care. I won't get angry when they leave their toys out or bring worms into the house. I will take them anywhere they want to go. I'll teach them how to be good people. I will raise them to love and be empathetic to everyone. I'll take them to see the ocean and watch the sunrise and set above it. I'll take them to the movies in their pjs. I'll let them fingerpaint, even if its an hour after I washed the floor. I won't let them think they are anything less then beautiful, important, creative, magnificent and appreciated. I will treat my children like the blessings they are! I'll even let them eat ice cream for breakfast and pancakes for dinner... God, please, just give me the chance to love my babies!

Am I Less?

Jeff and I were watching our favorite Friday night show... TLC's What Not To Wear. We are seriously addicted and often refer to Stacy and Clinton like they are personal friends. Yes, we can be a little dorky! But, after my Wednesday shopping trip with Julia, I think she could watches it just as much as I do! She even had the hand gestures down! "Now, Joei, you see how these pockets accentuate your hips? Not good... You want to draw the attention AWAY from them..."

Anyways... A commercial comes on for a show on making moms into models. I turn to Jeff and say, "You are nothing in this world if you are not a mom". The minute the words tumbled out of my mouth, I really felt how true they were. I started babbling on about how they should have a make over show for women on fertility drugs... We could really use a boost in self-esteem and self-confidence, especially when your belly is bloated and you feel just plain old fat!

Everywhere you look, there are women with babies, men with babies, families, everywhere! They have parking for pregnant women at the mall! I think I should get a special parking spot "Infertile Woman on Hormones Parking ONLY" and the spaces should be extra wide and you will get a massage upon making to the mall without running over anyone.

Every Mother's Day, my aunt has this huge brunch. I always thought it was nice of her to cook and clean since she didn't have kids. OPPS! Stupid Joei! This Mother's Day, I called her and cried, and she cried with me. I don't think its fair that she never experienced the homemade cards or little presents like the "World's Best Mom" coffee cups, and then she was expected to act all happy to have us all over. I'm still trying to figure out this "Not a Mother's Day" holiday.

At work, I was the one that got put onto a stupid committe since I don't have kids. And its rubbed into my bleeding heart everyday, "I can't stay late; the babysitter will be mad" "I have 2 kids at home; I can't take on any extra work." My team all worked together to help the pregnant woman on our team get her room set up! I wanted to scream, "I'm getting snowbabies implanted on Thursday! I need help, too!" But I didn't. And I won't. I am invisible to them, to everyone, and I will be until I have my babies in tow. And I can't wait to have my team put my room together because, " I have twin babies at home!"

Babyness

I have become completely and utterly obsessed with babies. I search for stuff online, I wander the stores and touch all the soft baby toys. I breath in the baby smell. I want so bad to buy little binkies and the musical duck at Target. I don't, but I want to!

I found a pacifier the other day as I was walking my two monster dogs. A normal person would have left the paci on the ground and kept walking. I, however, am NOT a normal person. I picked it up, put it in my pocket and headed home. I kind of forgot it was in my pocket until I went to take a shower. I washed it off and just held it in my hands. I didn't know what to do with it, so I tied it to the angel that hangs from my night stand light. Like I said, I am NOT a normal person...

As my FET hangs overhead, I am going through the typical emotions. I'm nervous, I'm anxious, I'm hopeful... I am very guarded that it will be another BFN. I want to push that thought out of my mind... Hope, don't slip away now!

Why Do YOU Want a Baby?

I was working out yesterday, watching The View (not my favorite, but it was my only option), and they were talking about why people want babies. They were saying how some people want them so someone will love them, and other people want someone to love. It just got me thinking...

Am I being selfish to want a baby? The world is kind of crappy right now. Is it just instinctual? I need a part of me to go on? Perhaps, and maybe at the beginning of ttc, it was more of just a feeling that I wanted a baby. Seeing my girlfriends with their swollen bellies and hearing about feeling tiny kicks and the wonderful world of baby showers just sounded like where my life should be headed. When my best friend was pregnant, I felt that feeling grow. And then she had her babies. No matter how often she told me how frustrated she was or how the babies could not be consoled, I still wanted them! I would go over to her house when they were small and just marvel at how she just knew how to take care of these babies. I still marvel at how good of a mom she is to her toddlers!

During this looooonnnnngggg journey to motherhood, I've at times contemplated why I do want a baby. Not just "a baby", three babies. And I want all three of these babies to grow up to be happy, well-adjusted adults with children of their own. I want to have kids so I can someday be a grandma! And I want to buy those adorable sun dresses that come with ruffly baby undies!

I want kids because they are hope. They are the future. As hokey as that sounds, it is true. Yes, the world is crappy, and yes, instinctually, I want a piece of me to go on. I feel like if I'm a good enough mother, and I know J will be an awesome dad, our children will be able to influence changes in the world, advocates for change. I want to teach them to not sit quietly when something is wrong; to stand up for what they know is right. I want to teach them to see beauty in the world and protect it. Our Earth is so fragile, and our kids are really the ones that are going to have to deal with global warming and such. I want to show my kids how to love and how to be loved. Our world is in major deficit of love. I know my children will probably not grow up to be the President, but maybe they'll be able to make things better in their own way.

Those are just some of the reasons I want kids. It sounds idealistic, but that's my nature. I already have so much love for babies that don't even have heartbeats or eye lashes, but they have so much potential. Each one of my little snowbabies has the genetic make up that will make them strong and loving human beings; how can I not be in love?

I've Been Tagged!

Dianne~ I'm soooo smart! I figured it out all by myself!! I don't have anyone to tag, except for MEL!!


Four jobs I have had in my life:
1. Mc Donald's Fry Girl--lasted 3 mos.
2. Marshall's fitting room--YECH!! Gross! Worse job ever!
3.Grocery store bagger/cashier- Started at 17, quit at 21! I met dh there, so not all that bad!
4. First Grade Teacher ( I LOVE my job!)

Four movies I watch over and over:
1. When Harry Met Sally
2. You've Got Mail
3. Serendipity
4. The Breakfast Club

Four places I have lived:
1.Illinois-- Lots of different towns, but all in Illinois...
2.
3.
4.
Four TV shows I love to watch:
1. Grey's Anatomy
2. Super Nanny
3. American Idol
4. Birth Day (yes, I like to torture myself!)

Four places I have been on vacation:
1. Mexico
2. Florida
3. San Francisco
4. Branson, Mo (Don't bother...)

Four websites I visit daily:
www.yahoo.com
www.babycenter.com
www.ivfconnections.com
www.amazon.com

Four of my favorite foods:
1. ice cream
2. fajitas
3. pasta
4. chocolate

Four places I would rather be right now:
1. Hawaii
2. Mexico
3. Carribean
4. Bahamas
~anywhere I can get to the ocean!!

Four favorite bands/singers:
1. Tom Petty
2. Barenaked Ladies
3. Bon Jovi
4. John Lennon

I guess I'll tag Mell at: http://melmck.blogspot.com/