Flake!

I have been a bad poster!
Part of it is business, part laziness, and part guilt. I feel so awkward posting about my growing belly, when my good friend is laying at home dealing with her loss and cancer. It just doesn't seem right, and doesn't seem fair.

I visited her yesterday, and felt so sad listening to her describe the procedure. She had to endure some labor pains, contractions, and her water breaking. She did say contractions were the worst thing she ever felt and said I would be begging for an epidural.

I would like to post about my pregnancy, I just don't feel its appropriate right now. I am wishing all of you happy and healthy days!

Good News/Bad News Post

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, everyone!! I am making this a two-part post... half is happy stuff, the other half is horrible and awful and if you don't want to cry, just skip it entirely.

I feel like I need to do the good news first... I have made it to the half way point! HOORAY!! Only 19 more weeks to go... It kind of feels like forever, but I'm sure it will go by fast. Also, we had our 20 week u/s yesterday. Everything looks really good. Baby was moving around a lot, so they couldn't get a clear picture of her 4 chamber heart, so I have to go back in 4 weeks. The u/s tech saw it, but couldn't get a picture. I'm told NOT to worry! She also couldn't get a clear picture of the baby's face, so we left with pictures of two arms and a leg. My mom and Jeff were there, which was nice, too! And I cracked... I couldn't help it... Ever since they did the cervical scan and said they could tell what the baby was, I have been dying to know... and I have no regrets knowing. Its a girl! I kind of felt it was all along; guess I was right!

Now for the bad news... My dear friend who is about 11 weeks pregnant found out on Friday that she has cancer... Its in her leg, in her bone. Its localized there, which is good. Nothing was found in her lungs or the rest of her bones. But, she will have to do chemo, and the OB nurse said that will attack the baby. She'll probably have to have a D&C... They call it a "therapuetic abortion". What a rotten name. My friend said its either that or have the chemo attack the fetus, which she said doesn't seem fair. She'll talk to a RE so she knows what will happen, but they don't have time to harvest her eggs. I guess they can shut down her system, which might protect her eggs, but I am not 100% sure. It just sucks. I have no idea what to say to her, so I just listen and let her talk. She has some u/s pictures and she started to buy some baby clothes. I don't know if I should find this stuff, and put it in a box for her, or let her and her dh decide what to do.

Please keep her, her dh, and their little angel in your prayers.

I have self control!

I went to the OB yesterday with my mom and J. My mom really wanted to hear the heartbeat, which I thought was pretty sweet! :) I went in for the cervical scan first. The u/s tech is doing her thing and then she asks me...
Do you want to find out the sex of the baby? Because I can tell what it it...
Oh my gosh... My heart starts racing and I say...

no???

Yup, that's right... no, that's okay... I really wanted to, but since J wasn't in the room, I felt weird about doing it, and I've been saying "I'm not going to find out" for so long now...

I got dressed and found my mom and J and told them the u/s tech knew what we were having, but I didn't want to know. You know when you can see emotions on someone's face?

Pure disappointment, on both of them... My mom now insists its a boy because she would have seen the boy parts... I told her, maybe she saw nothing, therefore knows its a girl... Well, at least its SOMETHING!!

The rest of the night, I kept asking J...

Did I make the right choice? Should I have found out?

He says I'm driving him crazy asking him...
We have our regular u/s in a couple of weeks... If I still feel like this, I'm going to HAVE to find out.... Its like someone has my Christmas present under the tree and if I just peeked a little, I would know what I'm getting...

Augghhh!

My Belly

I am adding some belly shots... Please be kind... I know I just kind of look chubby; not really pregnant. In these pictures, I am 17 weeks, 4 days pregnant.

Just tell me I'm CRAZY!!

I'm sure I am losing my mind. I am sure it is the fault of a pregnancy magazine I read last night. I thought these magazines were supposed to make you feel good; this one kept me up all night. First, it said that pregnant women are gaining too much weight, which causes gestational diabetes and preterm labor. It also talks about eating the "right" way, and if you don't your baby will not be normal.

N O R M A L

What a word! I've never wanted to be considered normal with a normal life and a normal outlook... Now, its all I want for this baby! I have moments where I'm sure something has happened to the baby, like when I bent over I squashed the baby and its smooshed in my belly. Or that the imbilical cord is wrapped around its little neck. And I'm afraid I'm not getting enough protein and my baby will be born with mental issues. Oh, and there was this article about autism. Being a teacher, I know the devastation this can cause. I'm worried I'm going to gain too much weight, and in the same breath, I'm worried that my belly isn't growing fast enough.

I think part of my paranoia comes from a friend of mine who lost her baby because of MTHFR at 17 weeks. It was terrible, and I'm so worried I don't deserve this Sprout and God will take it away from me!

On a happier note, I think I started to feel Sprout move! Last week, I raised my voice to get the kids' attention, and I swear I felt a jump! I've been feeling little movements since then, but it could also be gas or my imagination. I know its kind of early to feel anything.

Thanks for letting me vent... Please feel free to reassure me until your hearts are content!

Is that MY butt???

When my bf took me shopping for maternity clothes, she mentioned something about maternity underwear. I kind of shrugged this idea off... why would I need maternity underwear? The baby is in front, not back... I thought maybe because she had twins things were different... HA!! I started noticing my VS bikinis slipping down my bottom, but thought that it was the way my pants were sitting. And then I realized, hmm... maybe I'm gaining some weight in my bottom, and should just go up a size. I made fun of myself to dh, telling him my butt was expanding whith wise and going "wwwaaahhh" like in the cartoons. I laughed, he really didn't. Maybe he's notice my expanding derriere, too?

Anyway... I suck it up, and go to buy the next size up, and then I see the maternity underwear, which was way cheaper, so I bought a pack, just to see if they work. I take it out of the package and laugh. They are soooo big! I compare them to my other undies, which are noticably smaller. I show dh, I show my dog (because he really cares about these matters)... The next day, I take a shower, try on my new undies, which I'm ready for to be HUGE... Instead, they FIT!

Seems I'm carrying Baby in my bottom, too!! Good thing dh is a butt man...

FEELING GOOD!!

For the past few days, I've felt soooo good! I looked at my little pregnant belly and thought, "How cute!". I bought some more maternity tops, and some little outfits for Sprout (they were only $5!!) I swear I'm starting to feel some movements... Could be me digesting my food, but I am going to just pretend its Sprout!

We have decided on a girl's name; Emilia Rose. We can call her Em, Emma, Emmy, Mia, Lia... Yes, I do love nicknames... Someone mentioned Charlie for a girl, which I think is totally adorable, but I have my heart set on a little boy named Charlie. Heather asked if I wanted a girl... I kind of thought I did, but while I was looking at baby clothes, I found this little onesie with airplanes on it and thought how fun it would be to have a boy! My BF has twin boys and they are just amazing... And the little boys in my class are so much fun... so... I guess I just don't care what I have... as long as its healthy, and sleeps! Yeah, I guess I won't even mind if it doesn't sleep!

My appetite has come back, which is really good. I am craving stew with veggies and meat. If you know me at all, I don't really like meat, so this is a good thing! I just want to eat a whole cauliflower, too... and oranges... yum!! Dh and I are going grocery shopping, something I haven't been able to do in forever...

I am getting so incredibly excited to meet my little Sprout! Only 6 more months to go! I keep thinking about next year and how I'll be able to dress him/her up as a turkey for Thanksgiving... wouldn't that be funny? And buy a cute little Christmas outfit... I think it has sunk in. I finally feel like I can relax a little bit...

I'm LOVING this pregnancy now!! YAHOO!!!

Welcome to the Second Tri (hold on while I puke)mester

Okay, so I heard this rumor that morning sickness ends at the second trimester and you get your energy back. Is this some sort of lie people are trying to pawn off on women? Is it like the whole "you are only pregnant for 9 months thing"? I figured at 13 weeks, I would start to feel better.... um... nope... only change is that Sprout is resting comfortable on my sciatic nerve, which causes me much discomfort... Oh, and morning sickness has turned into "Whenever the Heck I feel Like It Sickness". I have even finished the progesterone shots, but the vomitting continues!

I had conferences yesterday and today... During one of them (in which Mom is telling me the nanny watches her child and she is so busy that during the summer she sends the kid off to China to stay with Grandma, and even left her there when she was a year old for 6 months...) I start to feel the waves. After about 40 minutes (each conference is slotted for 15 minutes) I finally stand up to usher her out (I don't care if I'm rude at this point), only to see a dad waiting. I apologize and try to focus on the report card. Luckily, his kid is fine and I rush through everything and make it just in time!

Another strange thing that happened this morning was I was talking to another teacher, and I couldn't focus my eyes. It was so weird! And little squirmy white things were floating around. I drank some water and it went away. I called my nurse friend who things my blood sugar was too high... Great, am I developing Gestational Diabetes???

I had a doctor's appointment this week, too. My cervix is "nice and long", and I've gained 5 lbs! whoa! My principal wants me to wait until AFTER CHRISTMAS to tell the parents that I'm expecting. Um... WHAT??? So, I'm just going to wear my maternity clothes and if someone asks, I'll tell them. I'm proud of my little belly! Why should I have to hide it for another 2 months?

And, we heard the heartbeat again. That sound never loses its impact! I asked what the rate was, and its between 150-160 BPM. The old wives tale say "girl", which I'm still feeling. I spent most of the afternoon on my couch watching "Bringing Home Baby"... I cannot wait to meet this little Sprout... I keep imagining it growing and moving and it just seems like such a miracle!
Although I complain, I feel like my prayers have been answered!

Random Thoughts

I realize that I have not been a very good poster as of late. Its probably because I'm not sure WHAT to post... I still fell like this pregnancy is a joke... Like someone is going to say "haha! just kidding! Who would let YOU have a baby???" I'm so worried that once I'm off the progesterone, I will immediately miscarry. Is all this worry normal? I don't know...

I'm 13 weeks and 2 days pregnant. Wow... 13 weeks! Such a milestone, and yet, I have about 27 weeks to go, which seems like forever! I am starting to get a belly. I can still squeeze into my jeans, but I know that in a few weeks, I won't be able to. I have to wear them in the beer belly style; my belly over the top. Yes. I have a belly. I know all the books say that a first pregnancy shouldn't be showing until about 4 or 5 mos, but I'm showing. Not enough where people notice, but, I can totally see a difference. I've gained about 2 1/2 lbs, which I don't think is so bad. I know the weight will start piling on... once I can eat again...

That's my biggest issue; eating. Its really hard to eat every two hours, especially since during that time I am teaching 6 year olds and when you have food, they want food. I try to sneak some pretzels every once in awhile, but then all chaos breaks out because I am Away. I swear, they think if I'm not looking right at them, I can't see or hear them. So anyway, I get really hungry, over hungry, and feel like vomiting, and then, I don't want to eat. And nothing sounds good anyway; except for Cambell's condensed chicken noodle soup and a good corned beef sandwich. And pickels.

I've also developed this strange pain in my leg. I thought I bumped it, but one of my friends said it could be Sprout laying on my sciatic nerve. How can something that is about 3 inches long and weighs so little be pressing so hard?

I have strange thoughts about Sprout, too. I imagine it dancing, arms flailing about whenever I eat, especially if I eat something especially yummy. I also imagine it flying around my uterus whenever I roll over and saying "Whooooaaa!" like on the Tilt-a-Whirl.

And then there is the naming issue. For a boy, I LOVE Charlie, who another blogger recently named her puppy. Sorry; I just LOVE that name!! For a girl... I have no idea! I like Autumn, but is that okay to name a little girl born in May? And if I use the middle name Rose, does it sound too much like a retirement home? I need something different since there are so many names I can't use due to being a teacher.

These are my random thoughts. Nothing too exciting. I am really looking forward to feeling Sprout move and kick me in the ribs!

Ten Years

This weekend was my ten year high school reunion. I am officially "old". :) It seems amazing to me that its been that long since I was the girl wearing flannel shirts made for a 6 foot tall man, big red glasses and braces.

Anyways, I did not attend the typical reunion; it was $95 a person for drinks and "heavy" appetizers. I can't drink, and Jeff doesn't, and I doubt we'd eat $200 worth of appetizers. Not to mention I was not what you would call "popular" in high school. I had a group of friends and we just didn't care who was homecoming queen or the star quarterback (incidently, the quarterback was really messed up on drugs, and since then "found Jesus"). One of my friends organized an alternative reunion with about 10 girls. I haven't seen most of them since graduation, so I was a little nervous.

My BF, Julia, took me shopping for maternity clothes first after I told her I was too fat to fit into anything. She patiently held my clothes and helped me decide what would work and what wouldn't. I swear, she is the absolute BEST!! Even though our friendship has gone through so many different paths, we've landed in this perfect groove.

We got ready at my house, much like one of the dances, which was so much fun in itself!
Then we get there; I was so nervous, but once I saw these girls, I could barely hold back my tears! We went through everything from boys, make up, clothes, music, to the tragic death of a friend at 16. And as we all talked, I realized I would be friends with each and everyone (minus the one that is still so super neurotic I could scream) of them. All of these women were so strong and sweet and compassionate. I talked about my pregnancy, and with it IVF. None of them blinked an eye; just shared stories of friends they knew going through it. The women sitting next to me had a million questions about it.

I felt so proud after our "reunion". I was proud that I had the sensibility to pick such awesome people as friends at such a young age. I was proud that I was still friends with the most awesome person in the world (besides my Jeff). I was so proud of all of these women living there lives and fulfilling there dreams. In high school, I took these girls for granted. Now that its been so long and I'm all grown up (kind of), I don't want to do that anymore.

Girlfriends RULE!!

The Beating of a Heart

I should have posted this Monday when it was still so fresh, and I should have written in my journal, but I am feeling so lazy and so tired! I finally got around to developing my Month 1 and Month 2 belly pictures, and I can see a difference. No one else can... I totally have the start of a belly. It looks like I have just eaten too many milkshakes, but no... Its a belly! And, did you know pregnancy is a great diet? I've lost 2 pounds!! I have started wearing maternity pants, although I totally don't need them. I don't want to buy pants in the next size up... And I just feel cool wearing them! How long will that last???

Anyways... Monday J and I had our first OB ultrasound... However, it was still the fun internal type, and this wand was definitly not as smooth as the one at my RE's. The one at my RE looked like a dildo. And it was smooth and round. This one was a RECTANGLE! Why? I don't know, but it was more painful than the one at my RE's. Also, I think the u/s techs at my RE spend a lot more time showing you things... But, alas, it is so much more fun to see this little being than seeing the "empty womb" pictures and the pictures of ovaries with 20 follicles on them... My Sprout no longer looks like a turtle or a tadpole, but a real baby! It has fingers!! And little frog legs! AND... the tail is gone!! Little Sprout was actually moving, which was so cool to see!

And then, I heard the most beautiful sound I have ever heard... the heartbeat. I cried. I couldn't help it... It was so fast and so magical! I wanted to listen to it forever! Its so amazing that this little bean started as a single cell, developed into 10 cells, was frozen, thawed and inserted 2 months later, and now it has a heartbeat and fingers and frog legs.

How can I be so in love with something I have never seen?

Girl or Boy?

It is so amazing at the opinions every single person has on finding out the gender of YOUR baby! And they aren't shy... Here are some opinions:

"Don't find out; life doesn't have a lot of surprises"
"Don't find out, you aren't the super organized type who needs everything done" (This was from Bitch Girl at work and it was kind of a slam in a way to my organizational skills)
"If you find out, you don't get as much stuff at your shower" from Jenn, who didn't find out and got almost everything on her registry! yahoo!!

Then I get...
"Find out because if you don't you won't get as much stuff at your shower", totally contradicts what Jenn said, which is why I found it so amusing... My friend is convinced if you don't know what you are having, people don't buy you as much stuff...
"Its fun to know"
"Its still a surprise, just earlier!"

My husband really wants to know, but I'm not sure. I have about another two months to decide, so I'm not worried.

Here is my other funny thought... The Chinese Gender Prediction chart says that according to my due date, the baby was conceived when I was 28 in August, so will be a boy. Yet, since this baby was frozen for two months, it was actually conceived in JUNE, so it will be a GIRL... And I also wonder about the whole zodiac thing... Is it based on conception, or birth? This baby was conceived in June, so its birth should be March, not May... Does that change its personality?

These are the things I think about. I'm slowly going insane...

Oh, and my pants no longer fit. I cried until J reminded me it wasn't b/c I was getting fat, its just because I'm pregnant. Its is still an alien idea to me. I'm waiting for the call... "Haha! Just kidding! You aren't pregnant! We'll give you a sock monkey instead for your troubles"

Good thing the nausea has stuck with me; its a reality check!!

A little scary...

I have totally been slacking on my posts... seems pregnancy can make you feel nauseous and tired. Bet you never heard that before...
Anyways... Monday I had a good appointment and was released to a regular OB. I've been trying to set up an appt. with them since Tuesday, but they won't hear of it. Apparently, the nurse I'm dealing with is... brash and can come across as uncaring... I have been assured by my friends and my RE that they are great doctors, just this nurse is not the friendliest.

I really needed a friendly and caring nurse yesterday as I started to spot. Now, if you don't know me very well, you might not know that I tend to overreact and worry.. a lot... I can be dramatic. When I noticed the spotting, I heard a little voice say that it was okay and normal, but the neurotic side was completely freaking out...

I called the OB and talked to the Bitchy Nurse. I told her I was spotting, and she just kind of sighed and said she wanted to ask me questions. She asked why my RE released me so soon. Um??? I don't know... They are professionals... Everything looks great, why not??? She said it was unusual that usually they don't release patients until 10 weeks (the RE nurse said this was definitly NOT the case, I trust her!) . Then she starts quizzing me on my asthma meds and saying they are a class C. I ask if I should stop them, but she says no, since its important to breathe. And then she starts bugging me about my cat. "They didn't screen you for Toxoplasmosis??? Why not?" Again, I don't know... and from what I've read you are in danger if you get cat feces near you face. Considering my cat does not go outside and I haven't changed the litter box in 19 months, I think my chances are pretty low of having it...

Anyways, I'm still concerned about the spotting and she indicates that since I haven't seen a doctor yet, I'm not really a patient. And, they close at 1. And tomorrow they close at 1. Weird. She tells me she'll have to call me back about setting up an initial appointment sometime on Friday. Well, it is 10:40 and I haven't heard a peep. I'm calling at 12, I don't care if I"m annoying or not!!

I did call my RE and although they don't do OB ultrasounds on Fridays b/c they close early, they said they will squeeze me in. I had to wait for about 30 minutes, but I diddn't care. It was amazing at the care they showed for me. The u/s tech spent forever with me, showing me the heartbeat and amazing 3-D pictures. My baby has a head, eye sockets, two arms, two legs, and umbilical cord, and a bottom!! It was so cool!! She printed off 3 for me. Just the relief I feel is amazing!!

That is my drama for now. The nurse just called back and is setting me up for an appointment. She must have felt my annoyance. The receptionist I just talked to was a sweet as can be and set me up with my appointments and said "congratulations!" That's all I needed to hear.

I'm off to the couch for a few days of resting with my feet up. I feel this baby must be a girl after the worrying she is already making me do! :)

I've been tagged... again!!

Sorry this has taken so long to respond, to Jamie!! I teach in Illinois, too! :)
Here it goes!

1. Trust~This is an issue for me. I either trust people way too much or way too little. I've noticed that over the last few years, I have been burned pretty badly and don't trust people nearly as much as I used to when I was naive and innocent. When I do trust people, I just pray they don't let me down. I was really weary of giving out my blog address to even my closest friends for just this reason! I try to be a very trustworthy person. When someone tells me "Don't tell anyone" I put it in the "vault" and its there forever. I believe trust and love are so closely related; they are almost the same!

2. Orange~I dated a guy in high school and part of college that wore a lot of orange... One time he asked me to describe him in one word, and this is the word that came to mind. He could be sweet and charming, as well as quite demeaning. He was flamboyant, so much so, some people I know from high school claim he was gay... We dated for 3 years, which is a really long time, especially when you start dating at 17. Breaking up was the best thing for me. It allowed me to be free! He is so orange; loud, kind of obnoxious, but people are generally drawn to it.

3. Designer~Hmmm... I don't know... I think of Clinton and Stacy and there designer clothes. I'm not big on names or designers. My clothes come mostly from Target and Old Navy... This was a hard one, Jamie!

4. Spice~Life needs spice! Since dh and I started ttc, we kind of fell into a pattern. We stopped seeing our friends as much. People showed their true colors. We are still in this rut and we need some spicing up. I know this, he knows this. I think it is so important for couples to stay connected and not fall into the little ruts that break up marriages. This baby is sure spicing things up and I think it will only continue!!

I'm tagging...
Jenn
Mel
Dianne
Sarah

Here are your words:
1.Snow
2.Round
3.Innocent
4.Cookie

Its official...

Today, I heard the words I've been dreaming of for soooo long... Uterine Pregnancy... Not that "you are pregnant" wasn't fantastic, but to know that my baby is burrowed inside and taking her supply of what she needs... I have no words.

We have a heartbeat! Yes, only one, much to the chagrin of the grandmoms to be... I was even a tad disappointed, but it was quickly erased to see this little beating thing... Probably the coolest thing I have ever seen! J came with and held my hand and grinned.

I asked about my prospective due date, and she said I'm about 6 weeks, 4 days; almost an entire week ahead of what I first thought! My due date would be May 3rd, the day before my mom's b-day. Another Taurus to butt heads with (sorry, Dianne, I was hoping for a Gemini, too!).

Thank you for all your kind words about my last freak out blog... I bought "The Girlfriend's Guide to Pregnancy" and "Belly Laughs". Both are way funnier and don't have thinks like: "You will miscarry this baby and have no chance of ever having another baby again if you even THINK about caffeine."

I'm off to contemplate my naval and stare at the back of my eyelids for a few hours! :)

One Neurotic Mama

If you are reading this and ttc, please, please, please don't be annoyed at my complaints. I feel like I'm going to loose it at any moment and just need to get it out!!

Since I found out I was pregnant, I have been on an emotional roller coaster. One minute I'll be day dreaming about baby toes and the feel of a newborn (or two) craddled against my chest... The next I'm convinced that somehow my blood test was mixed up or that when I have my u/s there will be nothing there. I woke up a couple days ago, and felt absolutly normal. My boobs didn't hurt, I didn't feel mayo in my mouth... I called the nurse and she reassured me that this was normal and that I would have good days and bad days as my body adjusted to the hormones. The next day, to make up for it, my boobs were sore again, and I felt the worst case of nausea yet (hooray for me!!). So I feel like I'm pregnant, and then a little voice says "you are on progesterone and estrogen; that can make you feel pregnant, too".

And the books don't help, either! Its all "guard your happiness" and "don't tell!" I have done so much to get this far, and you are telling me I can't be happy yet? If anyone knows of any really good pregnancy books, please share them... Something uplifting would be nice...

When I was ttc, I thought as soon as I get pregnant, I'll feel just such relief. And I did... For about 4 hours. My friends have all reassured me that this is totally normal and it will probably never go away. Worrying is part of motherhood.

Monday is my first u/s. I am a little apprehensive that there will be nothing. J is confident I have about 6 babies in me. I think once I see something, that will ease my fears, at least for a few hours...

Thank you for reading. Sorry for the complaints. Please, feel free to soothe my fears! :)

4 weeks 6 days

I don't know what else to title my blog... So creative, huh???

I thought I would post the reactions of people I have told.

J said, "you're kidding? Really?" He was in total shock. The whole night he looked so much like an accident victim. He told me he was all prepared for it to be negative... Can you blame him after my meltdown the night before? Since then, he has been extremely excited calling me his "babymama". So cute!

I wanted to tell my mom in person, so I told her J was coming over to bring her something. She said she was going out, but I somehow convinced her to wait. I walked in and she looked stunned to see me. I told her and she hugged me about 4 times. She didn't cry, and told me she wanted to but "held it in".

My dad kept repeating, "I'm so happy, I'm soooo happy!"

Jeff's mom told Jeff's dad to "Come in the living room... Grandpa!" I think he was confused at first. Then he understood and hugged us both!

Jeff's mom was probably the most excited. She started to cry and say "My stomach is doing flip flops!" She asked about a million questions and said that we need to go shopping. She has already bought me a book about eating right (um... yeah...) and this beautiful wreath made of diapers and cute baby stuff. She is already planning a shower and is convinced I'm having twins!

My brother (who is only 15) is excited about being an uncle, but doesn't want to baby sit.

Jeff's brother was a little "whatever" about the whole thing.

My sister cried and has already bought Baby a tye-died onesie!

My friends are all excited. Julia probably the most so... :)

The other 1st grade teachers don't know b/c they are too self centered to ask how I am doing. The 2nd grade teacher know and are very happy! :)

My principal advised me not to tell anyone in case something happend (like I already wasn't worried enough) and asked when I would be having it, because she'll need to find a sub. Oh, and then she said congratulations. I have never seen someone so unexcited. It was like I was telling her I was having a potato for lunch, not having a baby!!

For those of you that are curious... My prog. level jumped to 57, my HCG is at 1,918, and my estrogen level is at 400. The doctor is very happy. Next week, I get my first OB ultrasound!! I'm keeping everything crossed for a healthy strong baby... or babies... :)

I have some symptoms... My boobs feel like waterballoons and I have become obsessed with poking them and having J feel them (nice thing to do to a guy when we have to abstain for the next 8 weeks). They have these really blue lines running around them. I feel bloated. I am exhausted. And here is a symptom that is totally my OWN... I have mayo mouth. No, not METAL, MAYO! I seriously feel like I ate an entire jar. It is disgusting. No morning sickness, but every afternoon I start to feel really gross... I have a feeling I'll be having morning sickness in the afternoon... NOT THAT I'M COMPLAINING.... :)

The Tests Really Work!

I was in such denial that these tests even work... But here's proof! I can't help being such a dork. Man, its way fun to POAS when there is good news!

When I first thought about "telling people", I thought for sure I would wait about 12 weeks. Um... seems I can't keep a secret! I haven't told many people at school yet. Perhaps I'll send out an email with my test!
Jeff, however, has only told his parents and brother.

The moral of the story is, Joei cannot keep secrets!

Surreal

That's about all I can say...
My hcg level is 245. My progesterone level is 15.9. My doctor thinks its a little too low, so I'm taking a concentrated version of 1 cc of progesterone increase it. I would take 12 shots a day, just to stay... PREGNANT!! I can't believe it! I made J stop at Walgreens to get a Clearblue Easy test, just to see the word.
I doubted it sooooo much! I have no symptoms except for being tired, but who isn't tired!!
It just isn't real yet. I don't think it will feel real until I'm feeling kicks!

Thanks for all your thoughts and prayers... I know they helped!

Oh crap! Didn't I promise these babies a car???

Joei and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good Very Bad Day!

Thank you Judith Viorst for creating Harry and giving me a great blog title. And its so fitting... However, I only WISH the worst part of my day was not getting the shoes I wanted and finding gum in my hair. Sorry, Harry, I win!

By the way, I'm prone to outbursts of dramatic tendencies. My day wasn't that bad in reality, but in my world, it sucked!

School was fine. The kids are super chatty, but they are only 6, and really, I'm not a video game, I'm not a cartoon, I don't make balloon animals... How fun can I be??? "At least they are cute" is my mantra. However, one of my boys threw his arms around me, looked up with big eyes and said "I really love you!" If you want a confidence boost, teach 1st grade!

Afterwards, I rush off to my 4:00 class, which actually starts at 4:30, and has started at 4:30 for the past 2 years. No biggie. Our new instructor has us go around introducing each other (its a cohort, we've been together going on 3 years... we know LOTS!). When I had my first round of IVF in June, I had a summer class and missed a couple days because of the transfer and then because of a lovely bout with vertigo. Somehow, it got around that I was doing IVF while I was gone. Like I posted before, I don't care, I'm OUT... Anyways, the first girl to talk announces, "I'm due April 27th!" I mumble congrats as the class squeals. I'm a little irratated she didn't tell me personally or warn me or SOMETHING (is that really too much to ask?). In my head I think "everyone is going to have a baby before me!". We go around and I announce that I'm still not expecting, but could use mass quantities of chocolate. We keep going and another woman announces she is expecting, too! That makes THREE girls in our cohort of 18! The third is this bitchy girl I work with; the one who thinks I'm rude because I told her it might be hard for me to be around her while she's pregnant and I'm struggling so hard to be(its hard to be around her NOT pregnant, too!). I'm fighting back the tears as more congratulations are squealed. I don't even attempt to look happy. I'm not. Then, then, THEN bitchy pregnant girl starts complaining because she is due in October and might miss 2 classes and (gasp!) our instructor is going to take off (gasp, again!) 2% form her grade. I want to scream "You get a BABY!! Who cares about 2% points???" I make it through class without crying and without screaming. I try to push the thoughts of "What if there are no babies left for ME????" And seriously, what are the odds that I'll be pg if there are already 3 preggos in class now???

I make it home, and J is cooking tacos. I tell him about it and he hugs me and says it will be alright. My sister calls at that moment and starts rambling on about how she is sooooo busy at work, and she's going to go visit her friend tomorrow and Friday and Why haven't I called??? She never asks how I'm feeling. Not one hint that maybe MY life is a little more stressful than hers... After about 15 minutes of her talking she snaps, "I'm going to let you go b/c you just don't seem that into talking", and not in a nice, sisterly way... I tell her I had a bad day. No response. Not, why? What happened? Nothing. She wonders why I don't call. I hang up and burst into tears.

Sorry, Harry... I win.

Oh, and tomorrow is my beta. I am feeling NO symptoms. Just tired and crabby and hopeless.
Fuck you, infertility!