Saturday, August 25, 2007

Life Through the Dirty Window

I've been taking my anti-depression/anxiety medication for about 2 weeks now. Its like looking through life through a dirty window. I am beginning to see glimpses of What Life Can Be. Things like my baby girls infectious laugh, my husbands loving arms, and my friends quirky ways are beckoning me to break through. wow... I didn't know what I was missing. I can actually breathe without having to remind myself. I can send an email and not have to lie about how wonderful I feel. I can pick up the phone and call my sister without my heart threatening to break through my chest. The exhaustion that I have been feeling for quite some time has started to diminish. My midnight panic attacks have started to subside. And I laughed for the first time in a long time. I know I still have a long way to go, but seeing the promise of what life is really like makes me want to actually live to see it. I need to keep going for Emilia. She deserves to have a mom that is happy and can handle daily stress without having a meltdown.

I started school this week. 31 little souls are depending on me to guide them through the world of first grade. It was really hard to leave my baby. I cried and looked like a fool in front of my new principal (who is totally and completely awesome!!) and my teammates. I got lots of hugs and words of encouragement. It is super hard leaving her, but my days pass so quickly and I am learning how to become more organized so I'm not wasting time and can leave school quickly. For the first time in 7 years, I actually have many children who are not the lowest of the low. I really enjoy teaching the lowest of the low, so it will be a challenge to teach average/above average children. I look forward to finding new activities for them. When I get home from my day, I am off of teaching. I don't worry about school, I am focused on my family. Such a change!

2 comments:

Jamie said...

I'm proud of you for getting the medication. I know how hard taking that step can be sometimes. Do you care if I ask what you are on?

Also, big kudos on being able to leave school at school and focus on your family. I hope once my little one comes I will be able to do that too -- but at this point that seems impossible!

Dianne/Flutter said...

Ah, Joei, that is beauty of friendship everything doesn't need to be roses. Life just isn't like that.

So glad the meds are working my friend. And I hope the window gets cleaner as the days go on.