I think I was depressed. Scratch that. I KNOW I was depressed. Was it the baby blues? Postpartum? Just adjusting to motherhood? I don't know. I hesitate posting this, but since I post about every other emotion that flies through my head, I might as well add this one!
I felt depressed being depressed. After all the hoping, praying, and shooting hormones into myself, I finally had what I had always dreamt of having... my little angel. But holding her I sometimes wondered if I could actually do this. I didn't feel like a good mom at all; quite the opposite... I felt like the worst mother in the world. I would hold her, feed her, go through the motions, and sometimes just want to run away and hide, just so I could sleep for 12 hours. And now that I needed the help, I had none. I was supposedly healed from the birth, she was older, I could handle this. I wished I could rewind time and take full advantage of people offering to watch her while I slept. I thought about giving up on breast feeding so dh could feed her more often. Maybe I was just plain exhausted. Even though I knew some depression was normal, hormonal, I still felt so incredibly guilty... This is what I wanted and now I wasn't even enjoying it. What a crappy mom!
I don't know what happened, perhaps the fight I had with dh last Sunday helped... or maybe it was the 4 a.m. tantrum I threw when he PROMISED to get up with her, yet slept peacefully as I fed her and got her back to sleep after a particularly crabby day (her and me!). Or maybe its helped that he has started to take over the 10 o'clock feeding (a formula feed... bad, bad mommy!!) and I've been getting some sleep. Whatever... I don't care. I just feel more like me! I feel like I dreamt I would feel. I did what I always dreamt I would do.
I cuddled her and she fell asleep against my chest. Instead of putting her down, I let her sleep.
I stared at her eyelashes and watched as she smiled in her sleep.
I smelled her head.
I fell in love.
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4 comments:
Thank you for posting this. I'm going through Baby Blues right now and I can relate to everything you said.
This is one of the things I worry about the most. I have wanted this for so long but what if it doesn't feel like I think it will once he is actually here. I am prone to depression anyway... :( Not to mention it will be the middle of winter and we will barely be able to get out of the house. I am trying to prepare myself -- but how do you do that really?
I am glad you are feeling better and starting to feel like your old self!
You know Mel said something that has stuck with me. That people who go thru infertility often don't have the emotional reserves for new parenting. And I think those are words of wisdom.
Because you went thru a lot to have that little one. Just remember that you are human, and things NEVER go perfectly. (Except for little Mia.)
No matter what you think, I KNOW you are a good mommy. Joei, you could be nothing less. Please do post more about your experience, I don't think you are alone.
P.S. I don't think there is anything wrong with Daddy taking the 10pm feeding, actually I think that is really good. Giving him some bonding time is good. And a little you time, even if it is spent sleeping, sounds very reasonable as well!
Oh Joei, those first months are so incredibly hard! Everyone struggles (even the ones who don't admit it). I'm glad you feel like this is a safe place for you to get things off your chest. We know what a great mom you are and how lucky Mia is to have you. :-)
I'll be counting on a seasoned mommy like you to talk me through the early months next year!
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