I think I was depressed. Scratch that. I KNOW I was depressed. Was it the baby blues? Postpartum? Just adjusting to motherhood? I don't know. I hesitate posting this, but since I post about every other emotion that flies through my head, I might as well add this one!
I felt depressed being depressed. After all the hoping, praying, and shooting hormones into myself, I finally had what I had always dreamt of having... my little angel. But holding her I sometimes wondered if I could actually do this. I didn't feel like a good mom at all; quite the opposite... I felt like the worst mother in the world. I would hold her, feed her, go through the motions, and sometimes just want to run away and hide, just so I could sleep for 12 hours. And now that I needed the help, I had none. I was supposedly healed from the birth, she was older, I could handle this. I wished I could rewind time and take full advantage of people offering to watch her while I slept. I thought about giving up on breast feeding so dh could feed her more often. Maybe I was just plain exhausted. Even though I knew some depression was normal, hormonal, I still felt so incredibly guilty... This is what I wanted and now I wasn't even enjoying it. What a crappy mom!
I don't know what happened, perhaps the fight I had with dh last Sunday helped... or maybe it was the 4 a.m. tantrum I threw when he PROMISED to get up with her, yet slept peacefully as I fed her and got her back to sleep after a particularly crabby day (her and me!). Or maybe its helped that he has started to take over the 10 o'clock feeding (a formula feed... bad, bad mommy!!) and I've been getting some sleep. Whatever... I don't care. I just feel more like me! I feel like I dreamt I would feel. I did what I always dreamt I would do.
I cuddled her and she fell asleep against my chest. Instead of putting her down, I let her sleep.
I stared at her eyelashes and watched as she smiled in her sleep.
I smelled her head.
I fell in love.