Friday, October 12, 2007

Down with OCD

I don't wash my hands a million times and my house is a disaster, yet my therapist looked at me yesterday, sighed, and said "Yeah, you so have OCD". Apparently, thinking doesn't cause things to happen! Weird! I would see signs and think they were meant for me. If I thought I might be pregnant, I knew I couldn't be b/c I would jinx myself. If I saw a BFP on a license plate, it would mean that I would be (never happened). The day I had my first IVF transfer, I saw g/b twins and thought it would mean I would have g/b twins.

After therapy, my whole way of thinking about life has changed and its thrown me for a loop. I've always wanted to be carefree, a free spirit, and now I think I'll finally be able to! I've changed from lexapro to zoloft after a night of contemplating which way I would commit suicide... scary.... I wouldn't do it, but its still scary to have those thoughts. I know this medication is working because I feel more bonded to Emilia. I'm still struggling with taking her out and not worrying about how to take care of her, but I'm trying. I have homework from therapy; take Emilia out alone (YIKES!!) and go out with my dh alone (double YIKES!!). I think dh and I have been out 2 or 3 times since Emilia's birth. Dh is very excited, but even thinking about it scares me!

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