Merry Christmas, Emilia!

Here is our Christmas card! I know no one is out there anymore, but, just in case...

Yes, she is ON the cat!! :)

Mia has been crawling since the day after Thanksgiving and pulling herself up for about 2 weeks now. She is amazing and strong and wonderful! At her 6 month appt., she weighed in at 15 lbs, 13 oz. My little peanut!!

Merry Christmas to all!!

Down with OCD

I don't wash my hands a million times and my house is a disaster, yet my therapist looked at me yesterday, sighed, and said "Yeah, you so have OCD". Apparently, thinking doesn't cause things to happen! Weird! I would see signs and think they were meant for me. If I thought I might be pregnant, I knew I couldn't be b/c I would jinx myself. If I saw a BFP on a license plate, it would mean that I would be (never happened). The day I had my first IVF transfer, I saw g/b twins and thought it would mean I would have g/b twins.

After therapy, my whole way of thinking about life has changed and its thrown me for a loop. I've always wanted to be carefree, a free spirit, and now I think I'll finally be able to! I've changed from lexapro to zoloft after a night of contemplating which way I would commit suicide... scary.... I wouldn't do it, but its still scary to have those thoughts. I know this medication is working because I feel more bonded to Emilia. I'm still struggling with taking her out and not worrying about how to take care of her, but I'm trying. I have homework from therapy; take Emilia out alone (YIKES!!) and go out with my dh alone (double YIKES!!). I think dh and I have been out 2 or 3 times since Emilia's birth. Dh is very excited, but even thinking about it scares me!

Skinny baby

Last week I took Mia to the pediatrician for her 4 month check up (I know! 4 months already!) J and I told her about our concern and our family's concern of her size. She still fits into 0-3 month clothing (although I packed them all away since I was getting bored of them and wanted to put her into some new fall clothes I got her). Her height is in the 75th percentile which is typical for her, but her weight was only 12 lbs, 6 oz, putting her in the 25th percentile. Since she has been spitting up a lot, the doctor perscribed some heartburn meds. She also indicated that this is probably a breast feeding issue.

Her remedy for me:

Take herbal medication (found out from the herbalist I need to take 4 pills an hour; not doing that as it made me so nauseous!)

Wake up between 12-1 to pump

YIKES!! I managed this for 4 nights. On the day of that 4th night, I was so tired, I was crying for no reason. I felt drunk and useless. I am just trying to stay up later to pump. I am only getting about 2 oz. at a time... I don't want to quit, although everyone is pressuring me to.

I am worried about my baby. I want to be the skinny one; she needs to be the chubby one. The doctor isn't worried, but I am . She is very happy and reaching all her milestones ahead of schedule. My dad told my sister to tell me to "feed the baby". oh wow... never thought of that!! Another point off for me for being a bad mommy, I guess! Here is a new picture of my cutie!

Baptism day!

Yesterday Emilia was baptised. I held her the entire time and thanked God about a million times for giving me such a beautiful baby. I prayed for everyone in the world trying to conceive (extra hard for all of my "Venting Room" friends, of course!). I am not a very religious person, but I like to think I am pretty spiritual and I really felt God's love surrounding me.

We had a nice party afterwards. Emilia did NOT sleep at all, but was in a very happy mood. She let people hold her and pass her around (usually she does not like to be moved around too much) and just smiled and giggled.

Jeff and I took the day off, so it is nice to be "doing nothing" after 3 days of "doing too much"!

I don't have a good picture of her in her dress, but I'll post that soon...

I'm a dork

I just figured out how to add blog lists and other stuff... now if someone could tell me how to add the cool headers (Dianne!!!) I will be all set! :) I feel so dumb... I've only had this blog for a year... DUH!! Dh is getting annoyed b/c I've spent about an hour configuring my new and improved blog! oh well!! :)

My Little Monkey

Emilia is 16 weeks old and doing awesome! She is totally adorable and lovable and all the things I hoped she would be. She has been rolling onto her tummy for about 3 weeks now and only sleeps that way. Her day care provider thinks its so funny how she scoots around. She is getting baptised on Sunday and I have TWO dresses to pick from...

Therapy is going well. The meds are, too. I'm on Lexapro and haven't had many side effects, which is good. Things are starting to become "normal" again!

Life Through the Dirty Window

I've been taking my anti-depression/anxiety medication for about 2 weeks now. Its like looking through life through a dirty window. I am beginning to see glimpses of What Life Can Be. Things like my baby girls infectious laugh, my husbands loving arms, and my friends quirky ways are beckoning me to break through. wow... I didn't know what I was missing. I can actually breathe without having to remind myself. I can send an email and not have to lie about how wonderful I feel. I can pick up the phone and call my sister without my heart threatening to break through my chest. The exhaustion that I have been feeling for quite some time has started to diminish. My midnight panic attacks have started to subside. And I laughed for the first time in a long time. I know I still have a long way to go, but seeing the promise of what life is really like makes me want to actually live to see it. I need to keep going for Emilia. She deserves to have a mom that is happy and can handle daily stress without having a meltdown.

I started school this week. 31 little souls are depending on me to guide them through the world of first grade. It was really hard to leave my baby. I cried and looked like a fool in front of my new principal (who is totally and completely awesome!!) and my teammates. I got lots of hugs and words of encouragement. It is super hard leaving her, but my days pass so quickly and I am learning how to become more organized so I'm not wasting time and can leave school quickly. For the first time in 7 years, I actually have many children who are not the lowest of the low. I really enjoy teaching the lowest of the low, so it will be a challenge to teach average/above average children. I look forward to finding new activities for them. When I get home from my day, I am off of teaching. I don't worry about school, I am focused on my family. Such a change!

SSRIs

I've been getting posts from random women offering me advice... THANK YOU!! :) I appreciate all the help I can get because lately I have been feeling like my life is spinning out of control!

I talked to the therapist on Thursday, and she was worried! Great! I worried my therapist. She called my general practioner while I was in the office and made me set up an appointment to get medication (she can't perscribe them herself). She diagnosed me with PPD, and OCD. The thoughts that I have been having are NOT normal. I was told to reduce the times I check on her and to realize my fears are all unfounded... easier said then done. I was hesitant to get on the meds, but since Emilia is at the 3 month mark, they are pretty safe for breastfeeding. My GP was not worried about them entering her system and noted that I needed to take care of myself, too.

I've been really trying to leave dh alone with Emilia more. He mostly sticks her in the swing or her bouncy seat, but he has been interacting more. I just get so frustrated b/c the weekends have become my cleaning time, while he sits around and watches TV. My responsibilities have tripled; his have stayed the same. And he wonders why I'm not interested in any romance!

Today we are going on a date. I don't want to go. I hate leaving Emilia so much! Today we are leaving her with his parents who have seen her MAYBE 6 or 7 times since she's been born. His mom asked if she bought a Pack 'N Play would we bring her around more... um... no... come over here and enjoy her! I feel way more comfortable leaving her with my mom who has seen her pretty much every day or every other day since she has been born. I need to keep telling myself that she will be okay... it is not an easy thing to do. The images in my mind play like that of a parents worst nightmare... the stuff you hear about on the news that makes you cry... pure horror and terror.

Wish me luck!

Working Mama!

I started back to work this week, but only 1/2 days, and all I'm doing is setting up my classroom. We got a new principal, and if you didn't already know, our former one was not one of my favorite people. Our new guy has given us an extra week to work in our rooms. So nice! I am finishing this week so I have next week to be at home. It was really hard to drop her off at the "day care provider" (can't call her a "sitter" b/c she doesn't sit!!). I haven't been able to get a really good read on this woman, but when I went to pick up Mia, she was happy, so what more could I ask for? I felt some tears come to my eyes when I drove away, but I just cranked up the music. She is going again tomorrow and a couple days next week. This is not for her to get used to it; Emilia will be fine. She will be having so much fun hanging out and playing, she won't notice I'm gone! Its ME that is going to have the hard time!

I am just amazed at how fast time has flown! Mia will be 12 weeks old tomorrow! I wish I could say that I have relished every moment, but I haven't. Don't get me wrong, I love my little girl and am just go grateful that compared to so many I conceived with only my second IVF try. I don't consider myself blessed, because that would imply that those who haven't become moms yet are not blessed and it just sounds so conceited. Its late, I'm rambling... I don't know what I'm trying to say...

Anyway, I decided to go back to the psychologist. Even though the PPD has kind of given way, there are still some fleeting thoughts that scare me. I'm also going to talk to her about dealing with my friend Jess, who just found out she needs ANOTHER 3 rounds of chemo (she's already had 3, gotten a new knee and new thigh bone, and undergone 6 weeks of radiation). On top of it all, dh and I have not been getting along. Its not like we are fighting, we aren't. But, we aren't doing much of anything else, either.
Too much going on in my little brain!

Mind Your Own Breast-ness!

Today begins World Breastfeeding Week, so I thought I would talk a little about breast feeding. I won't get too grapic, so don't worry!

On the View, they were discussing whether formula should be handed out at hospitals in the little "Welcome Baby" bags the formula companies give to hospitals. Apparently, it has been discussed that instead of giving formula, there would only be breastfeeding information.

Sure, there is a ton if information stating breast milk is best for baby and mom, but it is really? When you are completely sleep deprived and your husband offers to feed your little angel so you can actually sleep, is breast best? People will argue that moms can pump and dad can feed, but what if you don't get a lot of milk through pumping? At the beginning, I would pump and get an ounce. Would Mia have been satisfied with that? Heck no!!

I am all for breast feeding. I love doing it and now that Emilia is sleeping through the night, I don't have to have dh give her a bottle in the middle of the night so I can sleep. But, there are some downfalls that are kind of rough. My breasts are huge and sagging. I cannot find a good bra that supports my girls. My hair has started to fall out. In order to have a night away from her, I would have to pump a ton, and pump while out so my breasts don't start springing leaks. When I go back to work, I will have to pump during my lunch and my break, leaving me with little time to be productive during those times. And when I am out with her, I get dirty looks when I feed her in public (I am TOTALLY covered... all you can see are little feet hanging out of a blanket!).
But, I feel so close to her when I feed her and I love that because of me, she is gaining weight and growing.

I don't think that the hospitals or government or whatever should continuously shove breastfeeding down new moms throats. Out of all of my friends, I only have 3 that have breast fed. All of my other friends chose to formula feed, and their children are all healthy, happy, creative little beans! We have talked about the pros and cons, and all of them that chose not to bf felt guilty. GUILT!! Like there isn't enough guilt thrown at a new mom!

Maybe the government should pay more attention to supporting new moms in other ways (like offer free babysitting so they can get out of the house and don't go totally crazy!!) and leave our breasts alone!

Dh complaint

Today, dh took off of work so he could hang out with me and the baby. We saw the Harry Potter movie and then went to let out my mom's puppy and then off to his mom's house. My parents, brother and sister all went off to Great America for a day of fun. I was a little bummed that I was not invited, but I wouldn't have been able to go anyways. I felt a tiny twinge of jealousy, but it passed. I do miss my freedom from time to time, but I don't think I would trade it for all the money in the world. Tomorrow dh is going golfing with his dad. For some reason, this really irratated me. I wasn't sure why, and then it hit me... His life hasn't changed at all. While I am at home feeding, burping, changing and playing, he is at work (yes, I would much rather be at home!!). Over the weekends, he doesn't understand why we aren't going out to dinner or doing much of anything. Sometimes I get to go work out, but only if he gets home right after I feed Emilia. I'm not complaining, I'm just pondering why it is that dh's life gets to pretty much stay normal, while mine has completely turned upside down. Has anyone else experienced this? does it pass? I just hate that I find myself getting really angry at dh as he lounges on the couch while I'm doing mommy stuff. I just wish he would take Emilia and play with her and love her like I do. I want them to be close, but I feel like I am doing 95% of the bonding. Maybe because I was never close with my dad, I want things to be different. After all we went through for this kid, I would think he would be a little more into her... I don't know... maybe this is just sleepiness crabbiness talking...

Two months old!

She can get her fist in her mouth all by herself!
Ready to go!
Two months old! Green is her color!

Seriously, have you seen a cuter kid?? If you have your own baby, I know you are thinking "uh, YES, right here!!"

Now that I am past most of the postpartum depression crap, motherhood has really sunken in. I have taken to holding her as much as possible (I'll post a picture of her in her sling soon!) and have given up on trying not to spoil her. Who cares if she is spoiled? I waited long enough for her, I'm going to spoil her if I want to!

I know I was depressed before because even though I felt love for her and was so happy she was here, it was hard to find a lot of joy. Does that even make sense? Everytime we would go out, I would be anxious that she would need to eat or be changed or cry. Now, she cries, I have no problems whipping out my boob and feeding my little monkey. If she cries, I don't worry about her upsetting other people. Who cares about them? And I have just found her to be the BEST listener! On more than one occasion, I've caught myself rambling on to her and people asking me "what?" and I have to say, "Oh, I'm just talking to my baby!" I don't dread being alone with her all day and actually relish the time. I love the days that I spend in my pjs and we just play all day!

For you new moms and moms to be... let people take over for you, don't feel guilty about napping, and tell your husband you need help!

Love and hope to all!

The Clouds Have LIFTED!

I think I was depressed. Scratch that. I KNOW I was depressed. Was it the baby blues? Postpartum? Just adjusting to motherhood? I don't know. I hesitate posting this, but since I post about every other emotion that flies through my head, I might as well add this one!

I felt depressed being depressed. After all the hoping, praying, and shooting hormones into myself, I finally had what I had always dreamt of having... my little angel. But holding her I sometimes wondered if I could actually do this. I didn't feel like a good mom at all; quite the opposite... I felt like the worst mother in the world. I would hold her, feed her, go through the motions, and sometimes just want to run away and hide, just so I could sleep for 12 hours. And now that I needed the help, I had none. I was supposedly healed from the birth, she was older, I could handle this. I wished I could rewind time and take full advantage of people offering to watch her while I slept. I thought about giving up on breast feeding so dh could feed her more often. Maybe I was just plain exhausted. Even though I knew some depression was normal, hormonal, I still felt so incredibly guilty... This is what I wanted and now I wasn't even enjoying it. What a crappy mom!

I don't know what happened, perhaps the fight I had with dh last Sunday helped... or maybe it was the 4 a.m. tantrum I threw when he PROMISED to get up with her, yet slept peacefully as I fed her and got her back to sleep after a particularly crabby day (her and me!). Or maybe its helped that he has started to take over the 10 o'clock feeding (a formula feed... bad, bad mommy!!) and I've been getting some sleep. Whatever... I don't care. I just feel more like me! I feel like I dreamt I would feel. I did what I always dreamt I would do.

I cuddled her and she fell asleep against my chest. Instead of putting her down, I let her sleep.
I stared at her eyelashes and watched as she smiled in her sleep.
I smelled her head.
I fell in love.

What being a mom has taught me...

1. The birds wake up at 3:45 and are very, very loud and obnoxious.
2. As soon as your child is on a schedule, they will change--remember when I said she was sleeping about 6 hours a night??? try 3 or 4 now!!
3. My husband, the man I love most in this world, the one who has put up with so much over the last 8 years we've been together, drives me so crazy ( can he just TRY to clean the bathroom? seriously...)
4. Online shopping is the devil.
5. Ebay is the devil's sister.
6. My mother thinks I don't know what I'm doing... I hold her too much, I don't let her "just cry", I feed her too much... I could go on, but I'll save that for another day!
7. No matter how little sleep I have had or how crabby I am, as soon as I see that smile, I just melt!
8. Sometimes nothing makes me happier than when she FINALLY poops!
9. I really don't care how clean my house is or if I haven't cooked a meal in 3 days or if going to the grocery store is a really big outing... as long as Mia is happy and safe!
10. I really don't want to go back to work.
11. Daytime TV sucks.
12. People will give you advice; even if you don't want it.
13. Anyone who has children out of elementary school has totally forgotten how hard it is to leave the house with a newborn.
14. I totally understand how the moms on What Not to Wear have let it get that far...
15. I really, really don't want to go back to work.
16. Life is about so much more than who has the biggest house or the largest amount in their bank account.
17. Girlfriends can be much more helpful than husbands (especially when they have food!)
18. Yes, it is all worth it... I would do it all over again (and probably will!)

6 weeks later...

Here is my baby girl! She looks just like her daddy and not much like me. She is so sweet and funny. She is so not a crier; she'll just kind of complain. She's been going between 3-4 hours between feedings (much better than the every hour feeding). She sleeps about 6 hours a night. All and all, she is just a joy! I fall in love with her more and more every day. How could you not love that smile???

Book Club Questions

Yes, I know I'm late... I'm a really bad book club member... I'm the George Castanza of this group!



Hop along to another stop on this blog tour by visiting the main list at http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/. You can also sign up for the next book on this online book club: The Kid by Dan Savage.


Peggy Orenstein says, 'The descent into the world of infertility is incremental. Those early steps seem innocuous, even quaint; IUI was hardly more complex than a turkey baster. You're not aware of how subtly alienated you become from your body, how inured to its medicalization. You don't notice your motivation distorting, how conception rather than parenthood becomes the goal, how invested you become in its 'achievement'." Does this accurately describe your experience? Would you say you have become alienated from your body while struggling with infertility?

I felt that I became so obsessed with getting pregnant that I lost sight of the actual outcome. It is so easy to become alienated and I felt I almost had to disassociate with my body, especially after the poking and proding in private places, the shots, the weight gain, the hormonal changes. My BF would often ask me "what are you doing for yourself?" There was nothing. Its such an obsession to become pregnant, nothing else matters. My relationships with friends and family dissolved, as did my relationship with myself. I have had a successful pregnancy, yet I still feel betrayed by my body.

On p. 233, Orenstein describes what infertility cost her: "Becoming a parent can't give me back the time ... obliterated by obsession. It doesn't compensate for the inattention to my career, for my self-inflicted torment, for trashing my marriage." How is your experience with infertility and the toll it has taken on your life similar or different from Orenstein's?

While my husband was absolutely wonderful, there was still a toll taken on our relationship. When sex is determined by a thermometer or a color change, or doctor's orders, the romance is pretty much gone. It actually surprises me that more couples don't end up divorced or seperated after dealing with infertility. The hormonal changes alone are enough to send anyone fleeing. I feel that I didn't give enough to my students these last few years, which is so unfair to them. I alienated so many friends. I fought so much with my mom and sister. Yet, somehow, everything has turned out okay.

I know I'm probably supposed to answer more questions, but I am feeling so disheveled! Like I said, I'm the George Costanza of this group! Did anyone else feel Peggy's husband was a little cold? Some of his comments and reactions were just so strange. Maybe I'm just spoiled!

Emilia's Birth Story

I've been too busy spoiling my baby to post!! :)

I went in on Wednesday, May 16th to start the induction process. It was a great feeling knowing that when I left the hospital this time, it would be with a baby! Around 7, the nurse inserted the cervadil and I started contracting pretty much right away. It was like a really bad crampy feeling, and it kept getting worse and worse. My mom and dh were there and they tried to keep my mind off the pain, but it was pretty intense. When my doctor came to check up on me, she said I might go into labor with the cervadil alone and not need the Pitocin. She told dh to stay the night, and said I would probably have the baby by 3 or 4 in the morning! YAHOO!! She also ordered Stadol for me so I could sleep. It helped so much! I felt relief immediatedly.

I woke up sporadically in the middle of the night, kind of nervous, kind of from pain... I got some more stadol and the nurse checked me again. I had gone from a 2 to a 3. At about 6, I woke up and threw up. So attractive! Poor dh had to clean me up and listen to me gagging. At 7, they started the Pitocin.

After the Pitocin, things started to happen fast. I had major contractions, and don't really remember much. I know the doctor broke my water and said it was like an ocean of amniotic fluid. Shortly after that, I went to a 5 and got my epidural. That was a lot less painful than I thought it would be. About an hour later, I was a 9, and 15 minutes later, the nurse was in a panic, calling the doctor, telling her I was going to have this baby in about 10 minutes. That was at 1. I pushed and pushed, and actually fell asleep between contractions. I was so out of it. I remember thinking, "why don't they just pull her out?" After about an hour and 45 minutes, Emilia arrived, crying and perfect. They put her on my chest, and I thought she was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen!

While the nurse was assessing the baby, the doctor was concerned about my placenta, which had stuck inside of me. I wasn't worried, until about 10 minutes later when she was still working on me and they wouldn't let me hold the baby. By this time, I was again falling asleep and really feeling strange. The doctor said they would have to take me to the OR and possible do a D&C. I thought, whatever, just do what you have to do and let me back here. I figured I'd be gone an hour or so. Not so... I lost about a liter of blood and had to have a blood transfusion. To be "safe" I had to spend the night at the ICU. My whole family was with my baby, and I was down in the bowels of the hospital.

A L&D nurse brought me some pictures, and I just sobbed. I had waited so long, and it would be another night before I could see her. They finally let dh come and see me, and then they let my family stop by. I tried not to cry, even though I really wanted to...

FINALLY at 11:30 the next morning, I got to hold my little girl. I checked out her fingers and toes and her adorable face. She looks just like dh! I tried to nurse, but since I had the transfusion, I was about a day behind in my milk. The nurse had me bf, but also put a feeding tube in her mouth so I could supplement with formula.

She is doing really great now. She bfs like a champ, and has already smiled at me and dh. She wakes up twice at night, but otherwise sleeps pretty well.

Everyone has been asking me if it was worth all of the shots and worry... without hesitation, I tell them YES!

She's here!

Emilia Rose was born on May 17 at 3:05 p.m. weighing 8lbs, 7oz and measured 19 1/4 inches long. She is absolutely perfect!

Induction Day!!

OH MY GOSH... Its here!
Since Monday, I've had a lot of weird discharge (my dog JUST threw up... so gross!! Thank Goodness for SPOTBOT!!)...
Anyways... I'm not sure if this was really my mucus plug coming out, or just weird discharge.

Like everyday, my mom has called, and we've had the same discussion:
Mom: How are you?
Me: Fine, how are you?
Mom: You sound too good! Its not going to happen today! You sound too good!
Me: I'm feeling okay!
Mom: No more contractions? Why is that?
Me: No, I'm still contracting.
Mom: But they don't hurt...
Me: They are pretty uncomfortable... They kind of do hurt.
MOm: Too bad you aren't going on your own! You'll probably need a c-section. Your body just doesn't know what to do. Its too gentle...

This goes on and on, and I'm probably just being overly sensitive, but it feels like a slam against me since she went into labor with all of us on her due date. My MIL points this out, too, saying she is a good wife for doing what the doctor said...

Today, I told my mom I didn't want to eat a lot in case things progressed quickly, I didn't want to have my body digesting a huge meal... She just starts laughing saying "Can I tell you something?" and I kind of snapped at her saying I could go fast, and even if I didn't, I don't want to be in the hospital laying around with this huge meal in my belly! I know she means well, but the daily (sometimes hourly) calls about how my body just isn't doing things right are getting annoying! And then she blames the baby... I've had to tell her at least 12 times that the baby doesn't cause BH contractions. I know she is just excited, and I know I'm just super crabby...

I'm really hoping I'll pop into the hospital today and be at a 3 or 4 and not need the cervadil. I am still hoping not to need anything at all!

Thank you for all of your kind thoughts!
My next post will be when I'm a MOM!! YIKES!!!

Induction?

The internet is evil. Type in "induction" and everything you read will talk about why NOT to do it. And I'm a bad mom already.
Today when Dr. mentioned the word "induction" I immediately asked her how soon we could do it. Wednesday I'll get cervadil, Thursday morning, Pitocin. I also had her strip my membranes (for the THIRD time) to see if that would get things moving. She did a really rough exam, and I've had some spotting since then. She noted that what I said were contractions on Friday, were not the labor ones. Apparently, I'll just know when I'm in labor.
Not only am I too ignorant to know when I'm in labor or not, but I'm too impatient to let my little girl continue to cook and get bigger and bigger. Dh is very kind, saying that if I continue to wait, I'm just going to get more and more uncomfortable. I already can't sleep, can't realy eat, and here is the NEWEST symptom... I keep getting that tingly pins and needle sensation in my arms and legs.
Dr. said I have a lot of amniotic fluid, and if my water does break, it will be a big gush. This is incredibly funny to dh, who said it will be like a fire hydrant and cause quite the flood. I am laughing on the inside...