Where There is LIfe, There is Hope

A "Normal" pregnancy

2008-09-20T13:58:00.002-05:00

I've been upgraded from "high risk" to "normal"! The bleed has been stretching out, but from the ultrasounds, it looks like old blood. The bleeding has slowed down tremendously. I'll go an entire week without seeing any spotting.
The ultrasound showed our little bean waving around and the doctor noted that it was really active! I swear I can feel it fluttering around, but its probably just gas at this point... I can pretend, can't I?
I'm finally starting to feel excited about this pregnancy. I was always grateful, but didn't feel like I could let my guard down. I'm sure I'll find something to worry about, but for now, I'm trying to enjoy this.

Cloth Diapering

2008-08-31T14:13:00.002-05:00

I've started cloth diapering Emilia about 6 weeks ago. I was so nervous to start, but its going really, really well! I have my favorites, and some that I cannot use at all, because after a week, they practically fell apart. It is amazing how many WAHMs out there make these dipes, and how some of them are making a KILLING! One diaper could go for over $100!! I'm NOT kidding!
We haven't had any leak issues, now that I've figured out which ones need extra liners, and that after she drinks a ton, I need to change her more often. I've read all this information about all of the icky things in disposables and how they are so bad for the environment... I really feel like I've made the right decision! And its so much fun to buy cute little dipes!! I already told J that I'm going to start buying little diapers in a couple of months for this new little bean!! :)

Drama!

2008-08-13T20:48:00.002-05:00

My mom has insisted I'm a drama queen. I really don't mean to be. I just want a happy, normal pregnancy. On Sunday, I went to the bathroom, and noticed bleeding. I freaked, called the doctor, and my mom took me to the ER. The bleeding kept getting worse and I really thought I was having a miscarriage. I wanted to go home, but the nurse said to stay so I could get an ultrasound to rule out an ectopic pregnancy. My mom and I spent 2 hours in the ER, watching the Olympics and starving. Finally, I got my ultrasound, but the tech was colder than cold. She laid me down so I couldn't see anything at all. She wouldn't tell me anything. I was told it would be about 15, 20 minutes. After an hour, and my mom asking again if I could eat anything (NOPE!!), I was shoved out of my room, so a woman who was giving birth in her car could have my room. I got a front row view of the isolette and the new mom and her baby. It ripped me apart. My mom turned into mamabear and screamed at every nurse she saw, and miraculously, they found me a room, the doctor had the results and someone brought me a sandwich. All they could tell me was... nothing... Maybe I would miscarry, maybe not. I left feeling weepy, sure that I would be miscarrying that night. Overnight, the bleeding stopped. I called the nurse from my doctor's office and she said that can happen during a miscarriage and that I needed my HCG level rechecked. It was almost 10,000 on Sunday. On Tuesday, is was over 13,000, my prog. was 22, and the nurse was really happy with all that! I don't need to get my level rechecked and I get to have an ultrasound on Monday (this time at my doctor's office where someone will talk to me!).

For now, I'm still pregnant, feeling exhausted and getting more and more nauseous as the days go on. I'm hoping for a strong heartbeat on Monday and for more morning sickness and more exhaustion.

I don't know how this happened...

2008-08-06T21:17:00.002-05:00

When I've been telling people that we are pregnant, they ask if we did IVF, like I would be able to hide that!! I honestly don't know HOW this little bean came to be... Jeff has been so busy, we maybe had time twice this entire month (pathetic, I know!!) When my period was late, I figured it was my PCOS or something else going on. I bought the test on a whim, just to be able to tell the doctor that I wasn't pregnant, but I wasn't getting my period. When the test came back positive, I was shocked! I jumped up and down and cried. Mia was laughing at me and mimicking me as well! It was so cute. She was the first one I told. I then called the doctor to set up an appt., because, who else do I call? With "normal" pregnancies, they don't see you until 9 weeks! I'm used to being seen immediately. I called my GP and asked her to do an HCG test, just so I can have that number. Why? I don't know...
I feel really good about this pregnancy and I'm still in shock that I'm actually able to write that I am pregnant!

Surprise!!

2008-08-05T14:05:00.000-05:00

Baby "o" due April 9, 2009

Happy 4th of July!

2008-07-04T22:23:00.001-05:00

Wordless Wednesday

2008-07-02T15:16:00.000-05:00

Our Anniversary!

2008-06-21T20:36:00.001-05:00

Today is dh's and my 5 year anniversary! We have been together 9 years and have known each other 13 years. We met at Jewel, were we both worked. I was 17, he was 18, we were both in other relationships. He was dating a cranky blond, and I was dating a wanna be punk rocker. Both of us had the typical rocky relationships. My exboyfriend and I fought more than we were happy together. When he broke up with me, it was because I wasn't happy enough. I was crushed, but felt a little bit of... freedom! People kept telling us we would get back together. Oh, how I tried, but he moved on and I... well, I made up for the not dating anyone else for the past 3 years. I went away to college when I was 20, dating random guys and working at Jewel over breaks. Jeff would talk to me, but he was really shy. He asked my roomate, Jessica, who also worked at Jewel if we were meeting lots of guys. Jess said "Well, Jo is!" Jeff said he wanted to visit us, but never did. When school let out for the summer, I worked at the Jewel greenhouse. One sunny Sunday, we were both working an 8 hour shift. I was looking forward to a carefree summer, determined to find a summer fling. I was in a great mood. I was finally over my ex and getting into the groove of things. I was extra goofy that day, and started telling people that Ricky Martin was my boyfriend (this was 9 years ago, when he was HUGE!). Jeff asked if he could be my boyfriend and I told everyone he was! I flirted with him all day, shooting him with a hose and probably being a little obnoxious. At the end of our shift, we were both filthy and exhausted. Jeff was acting all awkward and I assumed he had had enough of me and my weirdness and wanted to go home. But, instead, he asked me out! I was shocked, but said yes. Anyone who could like me at my goofiest, couldn't be all that bad...

We went out on our first date 2 days before my 21st birthday and had a blast! He was so sweet and funny. I remember laughing and feeling so comfortable with him. I remember looking at the stars and thinking "I could fall in love with this guy..." 3 years to the day, he proposed in the exact spot where I stared at the stars and a year later we were married! It hasn't all been hand holding and restaurant desserts, but it has been 5 years of falling in love over and over again.

Play Date Anxiety

2008-06-18T12:22:00.001-05:00

Have you ever gone on a play date? Its kind of like a blind date, or for me it is, anyway... I took Emilia to Storytime in the Park today with high expectations of her running around and not listening to the story, and that is pretty much what happened. She didn't hear much of the story, but it was a cute book and there was a craft, but it was kind of over her head. I did meet a woman there with a little boy who was 5 months older than Mia. She seemed nice and we found out we go to the same pediatrician's office! That is for some reason always my question when I meet someone new... Where is your pediatrician? Its kind of like What's your sign? oh my... am I a creepy pick up play dater? When we were getting ready to leave, I wanted to ask her for her number or email or something, but HOW do you do it? Just ask? Do I make up little business cards? Something like "Joei... Emilia's Mom... Wants to be your friend" Its like a whole new world out there. It makes my heart pound and I get sweaty and I giggle a lot and worry about what I look like and what I say... Thank goodness I'm married since I don't even know how to make new friends, let alone pick up a guy...

Why Me?

2008-06-17T20:04:00.004-05:00

Do you ever say that to yourself? Lately, I've been thinking it a lot. Why did Jessica get cancer? Why not me? Why did I get pregnant? Why is Emilia here and running around and Jessica's arms are empty?
Jess got some bad news last week. The chemo didn't work. She is going to get some radiation on her lungs, as that is where the cancer has spread. The tumor got LARGER! It just really stinks. Her only chance now is some exploratory medication that is not FDA approved. She has only heard bad news for the past 18 months. This is the second summer she will not be able to go to the Indiana Dunes, where we have gone every year since we were 17. She get too tired to even go for a short walk. Shopping is out of the question. All the million things I do daily and take for granted are almost impossible for her. And she counts herself "lucky" because she wasn't very sick from the chemo. What do you say to someone who is fighting for her life? I'm sorry? Look at the positive? What right do I have to complain about a bad day at work or trouble with Emilia? Its all so insignificant.

Happy Birthday, Princess Mia!

2008-05-17T19:01:00.002-05:00

Today Emilia turned one! I cannot believe how quickly time as flown! It seems like only yesterday I was 41 weeks pregnant, patiently (or not...) awaiting labor. And now, my baby girl is here and one! She had a blast eating lots of fruit and amusing everyone by showing one finger when anyone asked her how old she was. She could have cared less about her presents, or her cake. My advice to anyone with a newborn, enjoy every teeny moment. It all passes way too fast!

Happy birthday, my Princess!

Happy Mother's Day!

2008-05-11T10:40:00.001-05:00

Happy Mommy's Day to all of you who are mommy's with babies in their arms, and all of you who are mommies with babies in their hearts.

Wordless Wednesday(thanks for the idea, Jenn!!)

2008-03-26T20:19:00.002-05:00

Spring Break!!

2008-03-25T15:36:00.003-05:00

YEAH!!
I have been on break since Friday and it is wonderful!
Last year this time I was doing laundry and panicking about getting stuff ready (if I only would have known Mia was going to be late...) and this year, well.. this year I am doing laundry and panicking about...getting.... stuff... done... okay, not much has changed...

I finally packed up a bunch of Mia's clothes, which was actually very sad. I looked at all of her baby newborn clothes and couldn't believe how fast time had gone. It sounds like such a cliche, but it is so true!

I went out to buy Mia some new clothes for spring, in case it EVER gets warm and some shoes to protect her little feet since she'll be running around outside, if it EVER gets warm... :) Her shoes are so cute... they light up! of course, she won't walk in them, but, at least they are cute!

Sounds like Princess has awaken from her slumber! Off to the grocery store!!
:)
Love,
Joei

Happy Easter!

2008-03-24T11:30:00.000-05:00

Make a free ecard - it's easy!

Baby Dentures?

2008-03-06T19:41:00.002-06:00

Mia still has no teeth! I took all the "gummy smile" pictures expecting to see those pearly whites. Nada, nothing... I'm convinced my daughter will be the only kindergartner unable to enjoy a snack other than applesauce. She'll have it all over her face as she is such a messy girl. Maybe Mel can get me a discount on dentures???

Mia has started to walk! It is so funny seeing a tiny baby toddle drunkenly around. She also said her first word yesterday... "da" for dog.

Every day gets more and more fun with her. She just giggles all day and loves for me to chase her around the couch.

I'm so in LOVE!!

Happy Valentine's Day!

2008-02-14T17:33:00.000-06:00

Make a free ecard - it's easy!

Mia is my FAVORITE valentine!!

8 months old

2008-01-21T21:19:00.000-06:00

I cannot believe my little girl is 8 months old already! She is getting bigger and cuter everyday! She still has no teeth and I am convinced she is going to be the only kindergartner with dentures. I keep telling her I don't want to hear whining that she is the only kid who hasn't lost a tooth yet; that's if she ever gets any!

She is eating lots of solids and some table food. I still have no idea what the pacing is for feeding babies and everytime I ask the doctor, I get vague responses. I'm kind of following friends' advice. She loves every food, even though she is still pretty petite. She still fits in many 3-6 month clothes!

I'm starting to get the baby itch again. I was looking at newborn baby boy stuff today and that feeling just came back. Dh and I decided to wait until Mia is 2, which makes sense... I still can't help but feel that baby lust come back!

Here is a picture of Mia today!

Happy New Year!

2008-01-03T10:30:00.000-06:00

I'm sure no one is reading this blog anymore... For the longest time, I couldn't add any photos!

I got a new laptop for Christmas, so hopefully I'll be able to blog more often... especially since we are starting to think about number 2 (and 3??)

Mia is 7 and a half months old and is such a busy girl! She started crawling at 6 months and pulling herself up a couple weeks after that. She is cruising along the furniture. But, NO TEETH!!! :)

Love and laughter,

Joei

Merry Christmas, Emilia!

2007-12-19T21:41:00.000-06:00

Here is our Christmas card! I know no one is out there anymore, but, just in case...

Yes, she is ON the cat!! :)

Mia has been crawling since the day after Thanksgiving and pulling herself up for about 2 weeks now. She is amazing and strong and wonderful! At her 6 month appt., she weighed in at 15 lbs, 13 oz. My little peanut!!

Merry Christmas to all!!

Down with OCD

2007-10-12T20:39:00.000-05:00

I don't wash my hands a million times and my house is a disaster, yet my therapist looked at me yesterday, sighed, and said "Yeah, you so have OCD". Apparently, thinking doesn't cause things to happen! Weird! I would see signs and think they were meant for me. If I thought I might be pregnant, I knew I couldn't be b/c I would jinx myself. If I saw a BFP on a license plate, it would mean that I would be (never happened). The day I had my first IVF transfer, I saw g/b twins and thought it would mean I would have g/b twins.

After therapy, my whole way of thinking about life has changed and its thrown me for a loop. I've always wanted to be carefree, a free spirit, and now I think I'll finally be able to! I've changed from lexapro to zoloft after a night of contemplating which way I would commit suicide... scary.... I wouldn't do it, but its still scary to have those thoughts. I know this medication is working because I feel more bonded to Emilia. I'm still struggling with taking her out and not worrying about how to take care of her, but I'm trying. I have homework from therapy; take Emilia out alone (YIKES!!) and go out with my dh alone (double YIKES!!). I think dh and I have been out 2 or 3 times since Emilia's birth. Dh is very excited, but even thinking about it scares me!

Skinny baby

2007-09-24T19:47:00.000-05:00

Last week I took Mia to the pediatrician for her 4 month check up (I know! 4 months already!) J and I told her about our concern and our family's concern of her size. She still fits into 0-3 month clothing (although I packed them all away since I was getting bored of them and wanted to put her into some new fall clothes I got her). Her height is in the 75th percentile which is typical for her, but her weight was only 12 lbs, 6 oz, putting her in the 25th percentile. Since she has been spitting up a lot, the doctor perscribed some heartburn meds. She also indicated that this is probably a breast feeding issue.

Her remedy for me:

Take herbal medication (found out from the herbalist I need to take 4 pills an hour; not doing that as it made me so nauseous!)

Wake up between 12-1 to pump

YIKES!! I managed this for 4 nights. On the day of that 4th night, I was so tired, I was crying for no reason. I felt drunk and useless. I am just trying to stay up later to pump. I am only getting about 2 oz. at a time... I don't want to quit, although everyone is pressuring me to.

I am worried about my baby. I want to be the skinny one; she needs to be the chubby one. The doctor isn't worried, but I am . She is very happy and reaching all her milestones ahead of schedule. My dad told my sister to tell me to "feed the baby". oh wow... never thought of that!! Another point off for me for being a bad mommy, I guess! Here is a new picture of my cutie!

Baptism day!

2007-09-10T11:04:00.000-05:00

Yesterday Emilia was baptised. I held her the entire time and thanked God about a million times for giving me such a beautiful baby. I prayed for everyone in the world trying to conceive (extra hard for all of my "Venting Room" friends, of course!). I am not a very religious person, but I like to think I am pretty spiritual and I really felt God's love surrounding me.

We had a nice party afterwards. Emilia did NOT sleep at all, but was in a very happy mood. She let people hold her and pass her around (usually she does not like to be moved around too much) and just smiled and giggled.

Jeff and I took the day off, so it is nice to be "doing nothing" after 3 days of "doing too much"!

I don't have a good picture of her in her dress, but I'll post that soon...

I'm a dork

2007-09-07T21:30:00.001-05:00

I just figured out how to add blog lists and other stuff... now if someone could tell me how to add the cool headers (Dianne!!!) I will be all set! :) I feel so dumb... I've only had this blog for a year... DUH!! Dh is getting annoyed b/c I've spent about an hour configuring my new and improved blog! oh well!! :)

My Little Monkey

2007-09-05T21:22:00.000-05:00

Emilia is 16 weeks old and doing awesome! She is totally adorable and lovable and all the things I hoped she would be. She has been rolling onto her tummy for about 3 weeks now and only sleeps that way. Her day care provider thinks its so funny how she scoots around. She is getting baptised on Sunday and I have TWO dresses to pick from...

Therapy is going well. The meds are, too. I'm on Lexapro and haven't had many side effects, which is good. Things are starting to become "normal" again!

Life Through the Dirty Window

2007-08-25T10:38:00.000-05:00

I've been taking my anti-depression/anxiety medication for about 2 weeks now. Its like looking through life through a dirty window. I am beginning to see glimpses of What Life Can Be. Things like my baby girls infectious laugh, my husbands loving arms, and my friends quirky ways are beckoning me to break through. wow... I didn't know what I was missing. I can actually breathe without having to remind myself. I can send an email and not have to lie about how wonderful I feel. I can pick up the phone and call my sister without my heart threatening to break through my chest. The exhaustion that I have been feeling for quite some time has started to diminish. My midnight panic attacks have started to subside. And I laughed for the first time in a long time. I know I still have a long way to go, but seeing the promise of what life is really like makes me want to actually live to see it. I need to keep going for Emilia. She deserves to have a mom that is happy and can handle daily stress without having a meltdown.

I started school this week. 31 little souls are depending on me to guide them through the world of first grade. It was really hard to leave my baby. I cried and looked like a fool in front of my new principal (who is totally and completely awesome!!) and my teammates. I got lots of hugs and words of encouragement. It is super hard leaving her, but my days pass so quickly and I am learning how to become more organized so I'm not wasting time and can leave school quickly. For the first time in 7 years, I actually have many children who are not the lowest of the low. I really enjoy teaching the lowest of the low, so it will be a challenge to teach average/above average children. I look forward to finding new activities for them. When I get home from my day, I am off of teaching. I don't worry about school, I am focused on my family. Such a change!

SSRIs

2007-08-12T12:39:00.000-05:00

I've been getting posts from random women offering me advice... THANK YOU!! :) I appreciate all the help I can get because lately I have been feeling like my life is spinning out of control!

I talked to the therapist on Thursday, and she was worried! Great! I worried my therapist. She called my general practioner while I was in the office and made me set up an appointment to get medication (she can't perscribe them herself). She diagnosed me with PPD, and OCD. The thoughts that I have been having are NOT normal. I was told to reduce the times I check on her and to realize my fears are all unfounded... easier said then done. I was hesitant to get on the meds, but since Emilia is at the 3 month mark, they are pretty safe for breastfeeding. My GP was not worried about them entering her system and noted that I needed to take care of myself, too.

I've been really trying to leave dh alone with Emilia more. He mostly sticks her in the swing or her bouncy seat, but he has been interacting more. I just get so frustrated b/c the weekends have become my cleaning time, while he sits around and watches TV. My responsibilities have tripled; his have stayed the same. And he wonders why I'm not interested in any romance!

Today we are going on a date. I don't want to go. I hate leaving Emilia so much! Today we are leaving her with his parents who have seen her MAYBE 6 or 7 times since she's been born. His mom asked if she bought a Pack 'N Play would we bring her around more... um... no... come over here and enjoy her! I feel way more comfortable leaving her with my mom who has seen her pretty much every day or every other day since she has been born. I need to keep telling myself that she will be okay... it is not an easy thing to do. The images in my mind play like that of a parents worst nightmare... the stuff you hear about on the news that makes you cry... pure horror and terror.

Wish me luck!

Working Mama!

2007-08-08T21:22:00.001-05:00

I started back to work this week, but only 1/2 days, and all I'm doing is setting up my classroom. We got a new principal, and if you didn't already know, our former one was not one of my favorite people. Our new guy has given us an extra week to work in our rooms. So nice! I am finishing this week so I have next week to be at home. It was really hard to drop her off at the "day care provider" (can't call her a "sitter" b/c she doesn't sit!!). I haven't been able to get a really good read on this woman, but when I went to pick up Mia, she was happy, so what more could I ask for? I felt some tears come to my eyes when I drove away, but I just cranked up the music. She is going again tomorrow and a couple days next week. This is not for her to get used to it; Emilia will be fine. She will be having so much fun hanging out and playing, she won't notice I'm gone! Its ME that is going to have the hard time!

I am just amazed at how fast time has flown! Mia will be 12 weeks old tomorrow! I wish I could say that I have relished every moment, but I haven't. Don't get me wrong, I love my little girl and am just go grateful that compared to so many I conceived with only my second IVF try. I don't consider myself blessed, because that would imply that those who haven't become moms yet are not blessed and it just sounds so conceited. Its late, I'm rambling... I don't know what I'm trying to say...

Anyway, I decided to go back to the psychologist. Even though the PPD has kind of given way, there are still some fleeting thoughts that scare me. I'm also going to talk to her about dealing with my friend Jess, who just found out she needs ANOTHER 3 rounds of chemo (she's already had 3, gotten a new knee and new thigh bone, and undergone 6 weeks of radiation). On top of it all, dh and I have not been getting along. Its not like we are fighting, we aren't. But, we aren't doing much of anything else, either.
Too much going on in my little brain!

Mind Your Own Breast-ness!

2007-08-01T10:26:00.000-05:00

Today begins World Breastfeeding Week, so I thought I would talk a little about breast feeding. I won't get too grapic, so don't worry!

On the View, they were discussing whether formula should be handed out at hospitals in the little "Welcome Baby" bags the formula companies give to hospitals. Apparently, it has been discussed that instead of giving formula, there would only be breastfeeding information.

Sure, there is a ton if information stating breast milk is best for baby and mom, but it is really? When you are completely sleep deprived and your husband offers to feed your little angel so you can actually sleep, is breast best? People will argue that moms can pump and dad can feed, but what if you don't get a lot of milk through pumping? At the beginning, I would pump and get an ounce. Would Mia have been satisfied with that? Heck no!!

I am all for breast feeding. I love doing it and now that Emilia is sleeping through the night, I don't have to have dh give her a bottle in the middle of the night so I can sleep. But, there are some downfalls that are kind of rough. My breasts are huge and sagging. I cannot find a good bra that supports my girls. My hair has started to fall out. In order to have a night away from her, I would have to pump a ton, and pump while out so my breasts don't start springing leaks. When I go back to work, I will have to pump during my lunch and my break, leaving me with little time to be productive during those times. And when I am out with her, I get dirty looks when I feed her in public (I am TOTALLY covered... all you can see are little feet hanging out of a blanket!).
But, I feel so close to her when I feed her and I love that because of me, she is gaining weight and growing.

I don't think that the hospitals or government or whatever should continuously shove breastfeeding down new moms throats. Out of all of my friends, I only have 3 that have breast fed. All of my other friends chose to formula feed, and their children are all healthy, happy, creative little beans! We have talked about the pros and cons, and all of them that chose not to bf felt guilty. GUILT!! Like there isn't enough guilt thrown at a new mom!

Maybe the government should pay more attention to supporting new moms in other ways (like offer free babysitting so they can get out of the house and don't go totally crazy!!) and leave our breasts alone!

Dh complaint

2007-07-27T19:26:00.000-05:00

Today, dh took off of work so he could hang out with me and the baby. We saw the Harry Potter movie and then went to let out my mom's puppy and then off to his mom's house. My parents, brother and sister all went off to Great America for a day of fun. I was a little bummed that I was not invited, but I wouldn't have been able to go anyways. I felt a tiny twinge of jealousy, but it passed. I do miss my freedom from time to time, but I don't think I would trade it for all the money in the world. Tomorrow dh is going golfing with his dad. For some reason, this really irratated me. I wasn't sure why, and then it hit me... His life hasn't changed at all. While I am at home feeding, burping, changing and playing, he is at work (yes, I would much rather be at home!!). Over the weekends, he doesn't understand why we aren't going out to dinner or doing much of anything. Sometimes I get to go work out, but only if he gets home right after I feed Emilia. I'm not complaining, I'm just pondering why it is that dh's life gets to pretty much stay normal, while mine has completely turned upside down. Has anyone else experienced this? does it pass? I just hate that I find myself getting really angry at dh as he lounges on the couch while I'm doing mommy stuff. I just wish he would take Emilia and play with her and love her like I do. I want them to be close, but I feel like I am doing 95% of the bonding. Maybe because I was never close with my dad, I want things to be different. After all we went through for this kid, I would think he would be a little more into her... I don't know... maybe this is just sleepiness crabbiness talking...

Two months old!

2007-07-21T21:13:00.000-05:00

She can get her fist in her mouth all by herself!
Ready to go!
Two months old! Green is her color!

Seriously, have you seen a cuter kid?? If you have your own baby, I know you are thinking "uh, YES, right here!!"

Now that I am past most of the postpartum depression crap, motherhood has really sunken in. I have taken to holding her as much as possible (I'll post a picture of her in her sling soon!) and have given up on trying not to spoil her. Who cares if she is spoiled? I waited long enough for her, I'm going to spoil her if I want to!

I know I was depressed before because even though I felt love for her and was so happy she was here, it was hard to find a lot of joy. Does that even make sense? Everytime we would go out, I would be anxious that she would need to eat or be changed or cry. Now, she cries, I have no problems whipping out my boob and feeding my little monkey. If she cries, I don't worry about her upsetting other people. Who cares about them? And I have just found her to be the BEST listener! On more than one occasion, I've caught myself rambling on to her and people asking me "what?" and I have to say, "Oh, I'm just talking to my baby!" I don't dread being alone with her all day and actually relish the time. I love the days that I spend in my pjs and we just play all day!

For you new moms and moms to be... let people take over for you, don't feel guilty about napping, and tell your husband you need help!

Love and hope to all!

The Clouds Have LIFTED!

2007-07-12T21:05:00.001-05:00

I think I was depressed. Scratch that. I KNOW I was depressed. Was it the baby blues? Postpartum? Just adjusting to motherhood? I don't know. I hesitate posting this, but since I post about every other emotion that flies through my head, I might as well add this one!

I felt depressed being depressed. After all the hoping, praying, and shooting hormones into myself, I finally had what I had always dreamt of having... my little angel. But holding her I sometimes wondered if I could actually do this. I didn't feel like a good mom at all; quite the opposite... I felt like the worst mother in the world. I would hold her, feed her, go through the motions, and sometimes just want to run away and hide, just so I could sleep for 12 hours. And now that I needed the help, I had none. I was supposedly healed from the birth, she was older, I could handle this. I wished I could rewind time and take full advantage of people offering to watch her while I slept. I thought about giving up on breast feeding so dh could feed her more often. Maybe I was just plain exhausted. Even though I knew some depression was normal, hormonal, I still felt so incredibly guilty... This is what I wanted and now I wasn't even enjoying it. What a crappy mom!

I don't know what happened, perhaps the fight I had with dh last Sunday helped... or maybe it was the 4 a.m. tantrum I threw when he PROMISED to get up with her, yet slept peacefully as I fed her and got her back to sleep after a particularly crabby day (her and me!). Or maybe its helped that he has started to take over the 10 o'clock feeding (a formula feed... bad, bad mommy!!) and I've been getting some sleep. Whatever... I don't care. I just feel more like me! I feel like I dreamt I would feel. I did what I always dreamt I would do.

I cuddled her and she fell asleep against my chest. Instead of putting her down, I let her sleep.
I stared at her eyelashes and watched as she smiled in her sleep.
I smelled her head.
I fell in love.

What being a mom has taught me...

2007-07-07T16:05:00.000-05:00

1. The birds wake up at 3:45 and are very, very loud and obnoxious.
2. As soon as your child is on a schedule, they will change--remember when I said she was sleeping about 6 hours a night??? try 3 or 4 now!!
3. My husband, the man I love most in this world, the one who has put up with so much over the last 8 years we've been together, drives me so crazy ( can he just TRY to clean the bathroom? seriously...)
4. Online shopping is the devil.
5. Ebay is the devil's sister.
6. My mother thinks I don't know what I'm doing... I hold her too much, I don't let her "just cry", I feed her too much... I could go on, but I'll save that for another day!
7. No matter how little sleep I have had or how crabby I am, as soon as I see that smile, I just melt!
8. Sometimes nothing makes me happier than when she FINALLY poops!
9. I really don't care how clean my house is or if I haven't cooked a meal in 3 days or if going to the grocery store is a really big outing... as long as Mia is happy and safe!
10. I really don't want to go back to work.
11. Daytime TV sucks.
12. People will give you advice; even if you don't want it.
13. Anyone who has children out of elementary school has totally forgotten how hard it is to leave the house with a newborn.
14. I totally understand how the moms on What Not to Wear have let it get that far...
15. I really, really don't want to go back to work.
16. Life is about so much more than who has the biggest house or the largest amount in their bank account.
17. Girlfriends can be much more helpful than husbands (especially when they have food!)
18. Yes, it is all worth it... I would do it all over again (and probably will!)

6 weeks later...

2007-07-01T19:48:00.000-05:00

Here is my baby girl! She looks just like her daddy and not much like me. She is so sweet and funny. She is so not a crier; she'll just kind of complain. She's been going between 3-4 hours between feedings (much better than the every hour feeding). She sleeps about 6 hours a night. All and all, she is just a joy! I fall in love with her more and more every day. How could you not love that smile???

Book Club Questions

2007-06-08T10:23:00.000-05:00

Yes, I know I'm late... I'm a really bad book club member... I'm the George Castanza of this group!

Hop along to another stop on this blog tour by visiting the main list at http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/. You can also sign up for the next book on this online book club: The Kid by Dan Savage.

Peggy Orenstein says, 'The descent into the world of infertility is incremental. Those early steps seem innocuous, even quaint; IUI was hardly more complex than a turkey baster. You're not aware of how subtly alienated you become from your body, how inured to its medicalization. You don't notice your motivation distorting, how conception rather than parenthood becomes the goal, how invested you become in its 'achievement'." Does this accurately describe your experience? Would you say you have become alienated from your body while struggling with infertility?

I felt that I became so obsessed with getting pregnant that I lost sight of the actual outcome. It is so easy to become alienated and I felt I almost had to disassociate with my body, especially after the poking and proding in private places, the shots, the weight gain, the hormonal changes. My BF would often ask me "what are you doing for yourself?" There was nothing. Its such an obsession to become pregnant, nothing else matters. My relationships with friends and family dissolved, as did my relationship with myself. I have had a successful pregnancy, yet I still feel betrayed by my body.

On p. 233, Orenstein describes what infertility cost her: "Becoming a parent can't give me back the time ... obliterated by obsession. It doesn't compensate for the inattention to my career, for my self-inflicted torment, for trashing my marriage." How is your experience with infertility and the toll it has taken on your life similar or different from Orenstein's?

While my husband was absolutely wonderful, there was still a toll taken on our relationship. When sex is determined by a thermometer or a color change, or doctor's orders, the romance is pretty much gone. It actually surprises me that more couples don't end up divorced or seperated after dealing with infertility. The hormonal changes alone are enough to send anyone fleeing. I feel that I didn't give enough to my students these last few years, which is so unfair to them. I alienated so many friends. I fought so much with my mom and sister. Yet, somehow, everything has turned out okay.

I know I'm probably supposed to answer more questions, but I am feeling so disheveled! Like I said, I'm the George Costanza of this group! Did anyone else feel Peggy's husband was a little cold? Some of his comments and reactions were just so strange. Maybe I'm just spoiled!

Emilia's Birth Story

2007-05-28T11:09:00.000-05:00

I've been too busy spoiling my baby to post!! :)

I went in on Wednesday, May 16th to start the induction process. It was a great feeling knowing that when I left the hospital this time, it would be with a baby! Around 7, the nurse inserted the cervadil and I started contracting pretty much right away. It was like a really bad crampy feeling, and it kept getting worse and worse. My mom and dh were there and they tried to keep my mind off the pain, but it was pretty intense. When my doctor came to check up on me, she said I might go into labor with the cervadil alone and not need the Pitocin. She told dh to stay the night, and said I would probably have the baby by 3 or 4 in the morning! YAHOO!! She also ordered Stadol for me so I could sleep. It helped so much! I felt relief immediatedly.

I woke up sporadically in the middle of the night, kind of nervous, kind of from pain... I got some more stadol and the nurse checked me again. I had gone from a 2 to a 3. At about 6, I woke up and threw up. So attractive! Poor dh had to clean me up and listen to me gagging. At 7, they started the Pitocin.

After the Pitocin, things started to happen fast. I had major contractions, and don't really remember much. I know the doctor broke my water and said it was like an ocean of amniotic fluid. Shortly after that, I went to a 5 and got my epidural. That was a lot less painful than I thought it would be. About an hour later, I was a 9, and 15 minutes later, the nurse was in a panic, calling the doctor, telling her I was going to have this baby in about 10 minutes. That was at 1. I pushed and pushed, and actually fell asleep between contractions. I was so out of it. I remember thinking, "why don't they just pull her out?" After about an hour and 45 minutes, Emilia arrived, crying and perfect. They put her on my chest, and I thought she was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen!

While the nurse was assessing the baby, the doctor was concerned about my placenta, which had stuck inside of me. I wasn't worried, until about 10 minutes later when she was still working on me and they wouldn't let me hold the baby. By this time, I was again falling asleep and really feeling strange. The doctor said they would have to take me to the OR and possible do a D&C. I thought, whatever, just do what you have to do and let me back here. I figured I'd be gone an hour or so. Not so... I lost about a liter of blood and had to have a blood transfusion. To be "safe" I had to spend the night at the ICU. My whole family was with my baby, and I was down in the bowels of the hospital.

A L&D nurse brought me some pictures, and I just sobbed. I had waited so long, and it would be another night before I could see her. They finally let dh come and see me, and then they let my family stop by. I tried not to cry, even though I really wanted to...

FINALLY at 11:30 the next morning, I got to hold my little girl. I checked out her fingers and toes and her adorable face. She looks just like dh! I tried to nurse, but since I had the transfusion, I was about a day behind in my milk. The nurse had me bf, but also put a feeding tube in her mouth so I could supplement with formula.

She is doing really great now. She bfs like a champ, and has already smiled at me and dh. She wakes up twice at night, but otherwise sleeps pretty well.

Everyone has been asking me if it was worth all of the shots and worry... without hesitation, I tell them YES!

She's here!

2007-05-22T15:02:00.001-05:00

Emilia Rose was born on May 17 at 3:05 p.m. weighing 8lbs, 7oz and measured 19 1/4 inches long. She is absolutely perfect!

Induction Day!!

2007-05-16T11:21:00.000-05:00

OH MY GOSH... Its here!
Since Monday, I've had a lot of weird discharge (my dog JUST threw up... so gross!! Thank Goodness for SPOTBOT!!)...
Anyways... I'm not sure if this was really my mucus plug coming out, or just weird discharge.

Like everyday, my mom has called, and we've had the same discussion:
Mom: How are you?
Me: Fine, how are you?
Mom: You sound too good! Its not going to happen today! You sound too good!
Me: I'm feeling okay!
Mom: No more contractions? Why is that?
Me: No, I'm still contracting.
Mom: But they don't hurt...
Me: They are pretty uncomfortable... They kind of do hurt.
MOm: Too bad you aren't going on your own! You'll probably need a c-section. Your body just doesn't know what to do. Its too gentle...

This goes on and on, and I'm probably just being overly sensitive, but it feels like a slam against me since she went into labor with all of us on her due date. My MIL points this out, too, saying she is a good wife for doing what the doctor said...

Today, I told my mom I didn't want to eat a lot in case things progressed quickly, I didn't want to have my body digesting a huge meal... She just starts laughing saying "Can I tell you something?" and I kind of snapped at her saying I could go fast, and even if I didn't, I don't want to be in the hospital laying around with this huge meal in my belly! I know she means well, but the daily (sometimes hourly) calls about how my body just isn't doing things right are getting annoying! And then she blames the baby... I've had to tell her at least 12 times that the baby doesn't cause BH contractions. I know she is just excited, and I know I'm just super crabby...

I'm really hoping I'll pop into the hospital today and be at a 3 or 4 and not need the cervadil. I am still hoping not to need anything at all!

Thank you for all of your kind thoughts!
My next post will be when I'm a MOM!! YIKES!!!

Induction?

2007-05-14T20:54:00.000-05:00

The internet is evil. Type in "induction" and everything you read will talk about why NOT to do it. And I'm a bad mom already.
Today when Dr. mentioned the word "induction" I immediately asked her how soon we could do it. Wednesday I'll get cervadil, Thursday morning, Pitocin. I also had her strip my membranes (for the THIRD time) to see if that would get things moving. She did a really rough exam, and I've had some spotting since then. She noted that what I said were contractions on Friday, were not the labor ones. Apparently, I'll just know when I'm in labor.
Not only am I too ignorant to know when I'm in labor or not, but I'm too impatient to let my little girl continue to cook and get bigger and bigger. Dh is very kind, saying that if I continue to wait, I'm just going to get more and more uncomfortable. I already can't sleep, can't realy eat, and here is the NEWEST symptom... I keep getting that tingly pins and needle sensation in my arms and legs.
Dr. said I have a lot of amniotic fluid, and if my water does break, it will be a big gush. This is incredibly funny to dh, who said it will be like a fire hydrant and cause quite the flood. I am laughing on the inside...

Early or False Labor???

2007-05-12T15:20:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, my contractions started coming really close together, like every 5 minutes. I could still talk through them, but after they kept coming for 2 hours, I called my doctor. The nurse/midwife said I could stay home, or go to the hospital. I opted to stay home for a little longer. At about 6, my mom called and said I should go to the hospital since they were still coming every 5 minutes. I kept telling her they would just send me home, but she said they probably wouldn't. I figured I might as well go. We got there at 6:30ish and I was hooked up to the machine. I was contracting every 5 minutes, but was still only dilated to a 1-2. The L&D nurse had me walk the halls to see if it would get things going. Nope, nothing. After 2 hours, and 0 progress, they sent me home. She said the good thing was that at home, I could eat. She said I was probably in the early stages of labor, which can last up to 24 hours. That was at 9 last night. It is now 3:24... I'm still contracting every 5 minutes, but I don't think anything is really happening. I'm just getting irritated. I took my dogs for a walk and had some spicy peppers. My next move is to seduce dh ;). I'm wondering if this is just false labor since nothing is happening... I really hope if I'm not holding my little peanut by Monday, my doctor will do something other than strip my membranes and send me home to walk...

A Really Good Book

2007-05-10T19:29:00.000-05:00

Now that I am officially on maternity leave without a baby, I have been trying to keep busy and trying to do all the things I won't be able to do once Peanut decides to grace us with her presence... Yes, Kristin, I know I promised her a car and now I grounded her... Oh well... I'm the mom, I'm the boss... However, if she is born before Mother's Day, the car may be given back to her and she may become ungrounded...

Anyways... I just finished this awesome book. It took me about 2 days to finish it. It is called Veil of Roses by Laura Fitzgerald. It is about a 27 year old Iranian woman who is given a one way plane ticket to America. She has 3 months to find a husband so her Visa doesn't expire. Its sad and funny and full of hope. The main character is so strong, even though she doesn't realize it. I recommend it to EVERYONE!!

************************************************************************************************

Just for laughs... here is a picture of my VERY pregnant belly! Its kind of weird looking, don't you think???

40 weeks and going!

2007-05-09T16:36:00.000-05:00

I'm still pregnant. Yup. All those nurses and my doctor who said I wouldn't make it to my due date.. HA!!! And aren't I glad I had a million ultrasounds on my cervix to see if it was opening? Apparently, its decided, nope, not moving...
Yes, I'm a little cranky. I'm very hot, very uncomfortable, and anxious. Yesterday, my doctor mentioned induction. I asked about the risks and there is a 25 % chance I'd end up with a c-section. The hospital I am going to already does C's on 39% of their patients... HUGE!! Since Peanut is still thriving and seems happy, I opted to wait. I am going back on Monday, and if I haven't progressed, they can pull her out through my belly button for all I care! She is so grounded for not coming out yet. I mean, come on kid!! Haven't I waited long enough?

39 weeks and 5 days PREGNANT!!

2007-05-07T16:35:00.000-05:00

Yup, still pregnant! I cannot believe it! I have tried walking, washing the floor, even romancing dh. None of it has worked. Last week I was still "almost" 2 cm dilated. I've been having contractions pretty frequently, but they always stop. Last night they were 15 minutes apart, then 10, then, nothing! I'm technically on maternity leave starting today, so I really want this baby to come out so I'm not wasting my days! I have become so anxious.
I just can't wait to meet my little girl!

My apologies...

2007-04-18T21:41:00.000-05:00

So, I've made it!
And I feel like I need to explain myself over these last few whiny posts. Before being pregnant, I always said I would be the happiest pregnant person around and never complain. Now, it feels like all I do is complain. I remember reading blogs from pregnant women and thinking how annoying it was that they were complaining about being pregnant when that is all I ever wanted! I'm trying not to complain, really! The thing is, I'm still so nervous about something going wrong. I want to be done so I can hold my baby in my arms and know that this pregnancy was successful. Lately, it seems so much has been going wrong. Not big things, but the contractions were scary, as was the day I didn't feel her move. There is no innocence with an infertile pregnancy.

On another note, I am seriously done with school! I had so many parents asking at conferences what will happen with THEIR child when I'm not there... Will I come back after the baby (yeah, I'll drop her off at a sitter's on the way home from the hospital to teach your kid!)? And my maternity sub is making me anxious and nervous about what she is going to be doing with the kids. I seriously cannot plan for her for the last 6 weeks of school! And she's bugging me about report cards and grading the kids... First grade has been my life for so long, its hard to take a step back. I really am more done with school than I am with my pregnancy.

I went to the doctor yesterday. I'm almost at 2 cm dilated, which is great since I'm still feeling the contractions, but I'm not effaced at all. I asked if I could possible go early, or if she thinks I'll go to my due date. She told me usually first timers go past their due date, which I thought was a good answer... If I go early, I'll be happy, but I'm not as anxious as if she would have told me I could go any minute. She also told me some, um, intimate time with dh could possibly work. That's great since I feel and look as sexy as a gorilla during a heat wave!

So, I hope I didn't offend anyone with my complaints.

Another scare!

2007-04-14T11:47:00.000-05:00

I am NOT going to labor and delivery again until I am in labor... I said that the last time, and yesterday, I spent 2 hours there... Two hours while my friends were at my house listening to an obnoxious woman talk about jewelry. I planned this jewelry party months ago, and was so excited to be having it! My house was clean, I felt pretty good, all was great! My bf came over early and helped me shop. I bought alcoholic beverages (I didn't get carded, though:() Conferences are over, hooray!
Anyway...
Last night, I'm sitting with my friends and my mom asks if the baby has been moving. I told her not really, but figure its b/c I've been on the go constantly. I start poking at my belly. Nothing. I went to the bathroom. Nothing. I went into the other room and laid on the floor. Nothing. I drank an entire Pepsi. Nothing. I am starting to get really scared. I called the doctor's office and the midwife calls me back within minutes. Labor and delivery, she says. My mom asks if I want her to take me and I tell her I don't really want to go alone. She gets the car and I loose it. My bf was wonderful and told me to just pray, and that she would pray. My mom and I drove all the way to the hospital holding hands. I kept saying "she has to be okay"! My heart was pounding and I was shaking.
We finally get to the hospital and they wisk me right into a room. They still make me pee in a cup and put on a gown. I want to scream and yell and tell them to just hook me up to a monitor NOW. Finally, they do, and I hear the most beautiful sound... the horse galloping sound of Baby's heart. I start to cry again, just out of relief.
All is well, baby is doing great, and Idon't think she has STOPPED moving today!! :)
My mom assures me that this is just her way of preparing us for all the worrying we will do throughout her lifetime.
Life is precious... I can't believe how much I love this baby girl already!!

One is the Lonliest Number

2007-04-11T17:27:00.000-05:00

I was a one last week.
I have had probably a million contractions, some bordering on painful.
My belly feels NUMB when I touch it.
I was positive I would be at least a 2 or 3.
NOPE, still a whopping 1.

4 weeks left, and trying to enjoy every last minute of it!
But..
If anyone knows anyways of inducing labor, please let me know!!

A Case of PUPP and an Irritable Uterus

2007-04-04T09:33:00.000-05:00

I have this crazy rash that started at my belly, moved up to my breasts (very classy to be itching your boobs!), down my arms (although, this could be my sun allergy), and then to my legs. My OB was concerned, until she did a blood test on my liver and all was fine. I was not fine... After two weeks of itching like crazy, I finally went to the dermatologist. He was the strangest man ever! He rambles on about giving me oral steroids (which I would have refused) and then perscribes some topical steroid which he tells me I can check with my "OBwonkonobe" if I want to. He then asks me if I'll make it until the end of the school year. Since there are 8 weeks left of school, and 5 of my pregnancy, I tell him no. He tells me that pregnancies usually go 2 weeks after your due date. I shrugged him off. This guy was WEIRD!!

Yesterday, I went to my OB and I am telling her about my case of PUPP and the weird dermatologist. She is laughing with me about his strangeness, and tells me the meds he perscribed are fine. She asks if I have any questions and I bring up this weird belly pain I have been having since the day before. She wants to measure my belly and then hook me up to a machine to see if I'm having contractions. I measure at 38 weeks for her, which is strange because two weeks ago I measured right where I should be for the other doctor. She mentions something about doing another ultrasound to see how big this baby is. First, she hooks me up to the contraction machine, which is next to this big recliner, so I'm loving just sitting there, reading my People with my feet up. She comes back in to tell me I'm contracting. I really don't think much of it; its probably Braxton Hicks, right? Then she examines me... I'm dilated to 1! At this point I start to cry. I have been telling everyone I'm "done" being pregnant, but I guess I'm really not. She calms me down, and sends me to the hospital. Of course, Jeff did not go with me to this appt., so I have to call him and try to sound like I'm in control and cool about everything. I tell him to take his time, when I really want him there NOW!
I also called my mom who answers the phone "Are you having your baby?" I just laughed and said "Well, actually..." and explained everything. She says she's going to stay home, which I'm secretly relieved about. I need no more stress!

At the hospital, I'm hooked up again and given an IV. My nurse turns out to be the parent of a child I had last year. Thank goodness my doctor checked me! I DO NOT need a former parent to see my privacy!! I lay in my beautiful gown and watch TV, feeling hungry, but not allowed to eat. My uterus is apparently irritable, even after the IV. I'm given a shot of something that makes me shaky and thankfully, a turkey sandwich. I was finally sent home with instructions to stay off my feet today. The doctor is supposed to call me today to check on me, so we'll see what my next instructions are. The nurse said I could make it to May, but they want to at least get me to make it to 36 weeks so my babe doesn't have to spend time in the NICU.

Wow... in another week, I could be a MOM!!

Pregnant girl on crutches

2007-03-18T09:43:00.000-05:00

First, the reason I have not been posting is because Blogger does not like me. I can never sign in, even though I have changed my password a zillion times. I am very frustrated. I can't sign on to post on anyone else's blog and being the emotional being that I am, I just cry and turn off my computer.

Anyways... In all of the pregnancy books they warn you about being careful when you are pregnant because you become extra clumsy. I have noticed this as my girth continues to grow. I think it also has something to do with pregnancy taking over your mind. It is so impossible to concentrate on anything not related to this babe. I know I have been extra clumsy and extra dumb, so you would think I would pay more attention to the world around me... Guess not...

Last week, I went to take my dog to get his shots at a local pet store. My dh had met me there, even though he had been up since 4:00 (which was really more like 3, yeah time change). I know he desperately wanted to go home and sleep, but he was there. I was looking at my dog and thinking about all the plans I had for the day, and how happy I was that it was finally in the 50's when BAM! I fall right on my butt... and I feel the IMMENSE pain shooting from my knee. I grab my knee and notice that my knee cap is over to the right, not straight on. I just started yelling about my knee as dh tries to get me to get OUT of the parking lot. Someone calls an ambulance and the paramedics arrive in about 2 minutes. This whole time I'm holding my knee and telling everyone in sight that it really hurts and my butt is really cold. The paramedics arrive and ask to see my knee. My sister (who arrived 2 minutes after my fall to take her dog to get shots, too) tells me not to look, which is probably a good thing judging by her facial expression. The paramedics put my knee in a stabilizer, and it slides right back to its normal position. I was so ecstatic! I told them I was fine now and was just going to go home. They kind of smiled and asked me to stand up. I did and OH MY GOSH!! If labor feels anything like that, I want my epidural NOW!! They also suggest I go to get the baby checked out. We opt for taking the car, instead of the ambulance and head off for the hospital.

We get there and dh drops my off to park the car. I'm wheeled to the triage nurse who asks me about my knee and about my belly, and then determines I need to get my knee checked. I ask her about the baby and she kind of rolls her eyes at me, "you want the baby checked out, too?" um... yeah! My knee is throbbing, but whatever, I just want to make sure my babe is okay!! She makes a phone call and sends me to labor and delivery. That's when I find out that my doctor's are very conservative and cautious and I'm to stay there for 4 hours!! The L and D nurse assured me that I was smart for getting the baby checked out since any fall and disrupt it and send me into labor. While there, I had some minor contractions, which were stopped. There was no sign of stress to the baby, and after my 4 hours, I was sent to have my knee looked at. Another 2 hours for them to tell me it was dislocated (duh). I got my crutches and was sent on my way.

A week later, my knee still hurts and it is VERY hard to walk. I gave up on the crutches as I'm off balanced enough as it is! I'm just greatful that the baby is okay and will hopefully stay put for the next feel weeks. Crazy, crazy drama... what a way to spend a day!!

I feel pregnant/ infertility revisited!!

2007-02-12T17:48:00.000-06:00

Please, please, please don't take this following post as complaining... I'm so not!
Tomorrow I will be 28 weeks pregnant, and today is the first day I actually really FEEL pregnant. I have dealt with the morning sickness (which I am STILL getting, than you very much!!), the tiredness, and some minor aches and pains. I have LOVED feeling her move and getting to know her little personality... But, my bump has remained fairly small. I could still easily hide it (not that I'm trying to), and was pretty comfortable when I walked around and slept. Everyone had told me my bump was "small", and I've gained a respectable 18 lbs so far. However, over the weekend, something happened. Its like someone blew air into my belly, and I'm now carrying around a soccer ball! I've come up with a new way to sleep, which involves one body pillow, a pillow for my head, and a pillow for my belly. DH LOVES this!! :) And its starting to HURT. I can tell she is getting bigger and stronger because I can feel her kick me in the ribs and punch me in the abdomen at the same time. And her kicks are no longer the little flutters...

Its also strange how infertility is still having an effect on me. When people ask my due date, and I tell them, and they comment, "You planned this perfectly", I want to tell them what all the planning entailed. Part of me wants to tell them about the IVF, but I just smile and agree.
These women in my class were talking about this other woman who had to drop out of our master's cohort after she had her baby last July. She had had 3 miscarriages, and had been trying for a long time to get pregnant after her last miscarriage. After her baby boy was born, she got pregnant again about 3 months later, and just had her second (She's had two babies before I have had one! Crazy, huh? But she's on our island so we can't be too jealous, right???) . Anyways, these women were saying how hard it would be and said she was nuts for trying right away, yada, yada, yada. I explained to them that after IF, doctors will tell you to try again right away. They asked me if I was going to try again immediately. I told them that there is no point in us trying b/c we have no chance of getting pregnant without IVF. They looked shocked; did they think I did IVF for FUN? It was just so bizarre how infertility still impacts my emotions... or maybe its just these crazy hormones and lack of sleep?

Baby bedding

2007-02-05T14:10:00.000-06:00

I ordered the bedding for the baby's room over the weekend! I found it for a pretty good deal, so I thought I would go for it. I can't believe how expensive it all is! I was talking to my mom, and she said she would pay for it! Thank goodness! Between bedding, clothes and the breast pump, we are going to go broke!

I am still grappling with this guilt... sometimes I feel so happy to be pregnant and so fortunate, and other times, I just feel miserable for feeling that way. I'm trying to appreciate life and not take anything for granted; it is just so hard to do!

Only 13 more weeks until this little one gets here. It is kind of scary, but mostly exciting. I can't wait to hold her in my arms and stare. :)

School was cancelled today due to the fact that over 100 buses wouldn't start. I was like a little kid when J answered the phone and handed it to me. It was just so nice to have an extra day. I tried to get the baby's room ready, but got real hot and real nauseous and started to see shapes floating, so I decided to take it easy. I finally got out of my pj's to meet J for lunch, but I'm headed back in them. Back to my cocoon on the couch! I'm taking advantage of this day!! :)

Flake!

2007-01-27T12:49:00.000-06:00

I have been a bad poster!
Part of it is business, part laziness, and part guilt. I feel so awkward posting about my growing belly, when my good friend is laying at home dealing with her loss and cancer. It just doesn't seem right, and doesn't seem fair.

I visited her yesterday, and felt so sad listening to her describe the procedure. She had to endure some labor pains, contractions, and her water breaking. She did say contractions were the worst thing she ever felt and said I would be begging for an epidural.

I would like to post about my pregnancy, I just don't feel its appropriate right now. I am wishing all of you happy and healthy days!

Good News/Bad News Post

2006-12-27T15:42:00.000-06:00

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, everyone!! I am making this a two-part post... half is happy stuff, the other half is horrible and awful and if you don't want to cry, just skip it entirely.

I feel like I need to do the good news first... I have made it to the half way point! HOORAY!! Only 19 more weeks to go... It kind of feels like forever, but I'm sure it will go by fast. Also, we had our 20 week u/s yesterday. Everything looks really good. Baby was moving around a lot, so they couldn't get a clear picture of her 4 chamber heart, so I have to go back in 4 weeks. The u/s tech saw it, but couldn't get a picture. I'm told NOT to worry! She also couldn't get a clear picture of the baby's face, so we left with pictures of two arms and a leg. My mom and Jeff were there, which was nice, too! And I cracked... I couldn't help it... Ever since they did the cervical scan and said they could tell what the baby was, I have been dying to know... and I have no regrets knowing. Its a girl! I kind of felt it was all along; guess I was right!

Now for the bad news... My dear friend who is about 11 weeks pregnant found out on Friday that she has cancer... Its in her leg, in her bone. Its localized there, which is good. Nothing was found in her lungs or the rest of her bones. But, she will have to do chemo, and the OB nurse said that will attack the baby. She'll probably have to have a D&C... They call it a "therapuetic abortion". What a rotten name. My friend said its either that or have the chemo attack the fetus, which she said doesn't seem fair. She'll talk to a RE so she knows what will happen, but they don't have time to harvest her eggs. I guess they can shut down her system, which might protect her eggs, but I am not 100% sure. It just sucks. I have no idea what to say to her, so I just listen and let her talk. She has some u/s pictures and she started to buy some baby clothes. I don't know if I should find this stuff, and put it in a box for her, or let her and her dh decide what to do.

Please keep her, her dh, and their little angel in your prayers.

I have self control!

2006-12-06T19:58:00.000-06:00

I went to the OB yesterday with my mom and J. My mom really wanted to hear the heartbeat, which I thought was pretty sweet! :) I went in for the cervical scan first. The u/s tech is doing her thing and then she asks me...
Do you want to find out the sex of the baby? Because I can tell what it it...
Oh my gosh... My heart starts racing and I say...

no???

Yup, that's right... no, that's okay... I really wanted to, but since J wasn't in the room, I felt weird about doing it, and I've been saying "I'm not going to find out" for so long now...

I got dressed and found my mom and J and told them the u/s tech knew what we were having, but I didn't want to know. You know when you can see emotions on someone's face?

Pure disappointment, on both of them... My mom now insists its a boy because she would have seen the boy parts... I told her, maybe she saw nothing, therefore knows its a girl... Well, at least its SOMETHING!!

The rest of the night, I kept asking J...

Did I make the right choice? Should I have found out?

He says I'm driving him crazy asking him...
We have our regular u/s in a couple of weeks... If I still feel like this, I'm going to HAVE to find out.... Its like someone has my Christmas present under the tree and if I just peeked a little, I would know what I'm getting...

Augghhh!

My Belly

2006-12-03T11:42:00.000-06:00

I am adding some belly shots... Please be kind... I know I just kind of look chubby; not really pregnant. In these pictures, I am 17 weeks, 4 days pregnant.

Just tell me I'm CRAZY!!

2006-11-27T19:40:00.000-06:00

I'm sure I am losing my mind. I am sure it is the fault of a pregnancy magazine I read last night. I thought these magazines were supposed to make you feel good; this one kept me up all night. First, it said that pregnant women are gaining too much weight, which causes gestational diabetes and preterm labor. It also talks about eating the "right" way, and if you don't your baby will not be normal.

N O R M A L

What a word! I've never wanted to be considered normal with a normal life and a normal outlook... Now, its all I want for this baby! I have moments where I'm sure something has happened to the baby, like when I bent over I squashed the baby and its smooshed in my belly. Or that the imbilical cord is wrapped around its little neck. And I'm afraid I'm not getting enough protein and my baby will be born with mental issues. Oh, and there was this article about autism. Being a teacher, I know the devastation this can cause. I'm worried I'm going to gain too much weight, and in the same breath, I'm worried that my belly isn't growing fast enough.

I think part of my paranoia comes from a friend of mine who lost her baby because of MTHFR at 17 weeks. It was terrible, and I'm so worried I don't deserve this Sprout and God will take it away from me!

On a happier note, I think I started to feel Sprout move! Last week, I raised my voice to get the kids' attention, and I swear I felt a jump! I've been feeling little movements since then, but it could also be gas or my imagination. I know its kind of early to feel anything.

Thanks for letting me vent... Please feel free to reassure me until your hearts are content!

Is that MY butt???

2006-11-20T17:56:00.000-06:00

When my bf took me shopping for maternity clothes, she mentioned something about maternity underwear. I kind of shrugged this idea off... why would I need maternity underwear? The baby is in front, not back... I thought maybe because she had twins things were different... HA!! I started noticing my VS bikinis slipping down my bottom, but thought that it was the way my pants were sitting. And then I realized, hmm... maybe I'm gaining some weight in my bottom, and should just go up a size. I made fun of myself to dh, telling him my butt was expanding whith wise and going "wwwaaahhh" like in the cartoons. I laughed, he really didn't. Maybe he's notice my expanding derriere, too?

Anyway... I suck it up, and go to buy the next size up, and then I see the maternity underwear, which was way cheaper, so I bought a pack, just to see if they work. I take it out of the package and laugh. They are soooo big! I compare them to my other undies, which are noticably smaller. I show dh, I show my dog (because he really cares about these matters)... The next day, I take a shower, try on my new undies, which I'm ready for to be HUGE... Instead, they FIT!

Seems I'm carrying Baby in my bottom, too!! Good thing dh is a butt man...

FEELING GOOD!!

2006-11-18T16:34:00.000-06:00

For the past few days, I've felt soooo good! I looked at my little pregnant belly and thought, "How cute!". I bought some more maternity tops, and some little outfits for Sprout (they were only $5!!) I swear I'm starting to feel some movements... Could be me digesting my food, but I am going to just pretend its Sprout!

We have decided on a girl's name; Emilia Rose. We can call her Em, Emma, Emmy, Mia, Lia... Yes, I do love nicknames... Someone mentioned Charlie for a girl, which I think is totally adorable, but I have my heart set on a little boy named Charlie. Heather asked if I wanted a girl... I kind of thought I did, but while I was looking at baby clothes, I found this little onesie with airplanes on it and thought how fun it would be to have a boy! My BF has twin boys and they are just amazing... And the little boys in my class are so much fun... so... I guess I just don't care what I have... as long as its healthy, and sleeps! Yeah, I guess I won't even mind if it doesn't sleep!

My appetite has come back, which is really good. I am craving stew with veggies and meat. If you know me at all, I don't really like meat, so this is a good thing! I just want to eat a whole cauliflower, too... and oranges... yum!! Dh and I are going grocery shopping, something I haven't been able to do in forever...

I am getting so incredibly excited to meet my little Sprout! Only 6 more months to go! I keep thinking about next year and how I'll be able to dress him/her up as a turkey for Thanksgiving... wouldn't that be funny? And buy a cute little Christmas outfit... I think it has sunk in. I finally feel like I can relax a little bit...

I'm LOVING this pregnancy now!! YAHOO!!!

Welcome to the Second Tri (hold on while I puke)mester

2006-11-10T16:21:00.000-06:00

Okay, so I heard this rumor that morning sickness ends at the second trimester and you get your energy back. Is this some sort of lie people are trying to pawn off on women? Is it like the whole "you are only pregnant for 9 months thing"? I figured at 13 weeks, I would start to feel better.... um... nope... only change is that Sprout is resting comfortable on my sciatic nerve, which causes me much discomfort... Oh, and morning sickness has turned into "Whenever the Heck I feel Like It Sickness". I have even finished the progesterone shots, but the vomitting continues!

I had conferences yesterday and today... During one of them (in which Mom is telling me the nanny watches her child and she is so busy that during the summer she sends the kid off to China to stay with Grandma, and even left her there when she was a year old for 6 months...) I start to feel the waves. After about 40 minutes (each conference is slotted for 15 minutes) I finally stand up to usher her out (I don't care if I'm rude at this point), only to see a dad waiting. I apologize and try to focus on the report card. Luckily, his kid is fine and I rush through everything and make it just in time!

Another strange thing that happened this morning was I was talking to another teacher, and I couldn't focus my eyes. It was so weird! And little squirmy white things were floating around. I drank some water and it went away. I called my nurse friend who things my blood sugar was too high... Great, am I developing Gestational Diabetes???

I had a doctor's appointment this week, too. My cervix is "nice and long", and I've gained 5 lbs! whoa! My principal wants me to wait until AFTER CHRISTMAS to tell the parents that I'm expecting. Um... WHAT??? So, I'm just going to wear my maternity clothes and if someone asks, I'll tell them. I'm proud of my little belly! Why should I have to hide it for another 2 months?

And, we heard the heartbeat again. That sound never loses its impact! I asked what the rate was, and its between 150-160 BPM. The old wives tale say "girl", which I'm still feeling. I spent most of the afternoon on my couch watching "Bringing Home Baby"... I cannot wait to meet this little Sprout... I keep imagining it growing and moving and it just seems like such a miracle!
Although I complain, I feel like my prayers have been answered!

Random Thoughts

2006-11-03T16:59:00.000-06:00

I realize that I have not been a very good poster as of late. Its probably because I'm not sure WHAT to post... I still fell like this pregnancy is a joke... Like someone is going to say "haha! just kidding! Who would let YOU have a baby???" I'm so worried that once I'm off the progesterone, I will immediately miscarry. Is all this worry normal? I don't know...

I'm 13 weeks and 2 days pregnant. Wow... 13 weeks! Such a milestone, and yet, I have about 27 weeks to go, which seems like forever! I am starting to get a belly. I can still squeeze into my jeans, but I know that in a few weeks, I won't be able to. I have to wear them in the beer belly style; my belly over the top. Yes. I have a belly. I know all the books say that a first pregnancy shouldn't be showing until about 4 or 5 mos, but I'm showing. Not enough where people notice, but, I can totally see a difference. I've gained about 2 1/2 lbs, which I don't think is so bad. I know the weight will start piling on... once I can eat again...

That's my biggest issue; eating. Its really hard to eat every two hours, especially since during that time I am teaching 6 year olds and when you have food, they want food. I try to sneak some pretzels every once in awhile, but then all chaos breaks out because I am Away. I swear, they think if I'm not looking right at them, I can't see or hear them. So anyway, I get really hungry, over hungry, and feel like vomiting, and then, I don't want to eat. And nothing sounds good anyway; except for Cambell's condensed chicken noodle soup and a good corned beef sandwich. And pickels.

I've also developed this strange pain in my leg. I thought I bumped it, but one of my friends said it could be Sprout laying on my sciatic nerve. How can something that is about 3 inches long and weighs so little be pressing so hard?

I have strange thoughts about Sprout, too. I imagine it dancing, arms flailing about whenever I eat, especially if I eat something especially yummy. I also imagine it flying around my uterus whenever I roll over and saying "Whooooaaa!" like on the Tilt-a-Whirl.

And then there is the naming issue. For a boy, I LOVE Charlie, who another blogger recently named her puppy. Sorry; I just LOVE that name!! For a girl... I have no idea! I like Autumn, but is that okay to name a little girl born in May? And if I use the middle name Rose, does it sound too much like a retirement home? I need something different since there are so many names I can't use due to being a teacher.

These are my random thoughts. Nothing too exciting. I am really looking forward to feeling Sprout move and kick me in the ribs!

Ten Years

2006-10-23T20:39:00.000-05:00

This weekend was my ten year high school reunion. I am officially "old". :) It seems amazing to me that its been that long since I was the girl wearing flannel shirts made for a 6 foot tall man, big red glasses and braces.

Anyways, I did not attend the typical reunion; it was $95 a person for drinks and "heavy" appetizers. I can't drink, and Jeff doesn't, and I doubt we'd eat $200 worth of appetizers. Not to mention I was not what you would call "popular" in high school. I had a group of friends and we just didn't care who was homecoming queen or the star quarterback (incidently, the quarterback was really messed up on drugs, and since then "found Jesus"). One of my friends organized an alternative reunion with about 10 girls. I haven't seen most of them since graduation, so I was a little nervous.

My BF, Julia, took me shopping for maternity clothes first after I told her I was too fat to fit into anything. She patiently held my clothes and helped me decide what would work and what wouldn't. I swear, she is the absolute BEST!! Even though our friendship has gone through so many different paths, we've landed in this perfect groove.

We got ready at my house, much like one of the dances, which was so much fun in itself!
Then we get there; I was so nervous, but once I saw these girls, I could barely hold back my tears! We went through everything from boys, make up, clothes, music, to the tragic death of a friend at 16. And as we all talked, I realized I would be friends with each and everyone (minus the one that is still so super neurotic I could scream) of them. All of these women were so strong and sweet and compassionate. I talked about my pregnancy, and with it IVF. None of them blinked an eye; just shared stories of friends they knew going through it. The women sitting next to me had a million questions about it.

I felt so proud after our "reunion". I was proud that I had the sensibility to pick such awesome people as friends at such a young age. I was proud that I was still friends with the most awesome person in the world (besides my Jeff). I was so proud of all of these women living there lives and fulfilling there dreams. In high school, I took these girls for granted. Now that its been so long and I'm all grown up (kind of), I don't want to do that anymore.

Girlfriends RULE!!

The Beating of a Heart

2006-10-12T17:58:00.000-05:00

I should have posted this Monday when it was still so fresh, and I should have written in my journal, but I am feeling so lazy and so tired! I finally got around to developing my Month 1 and Month 2 belly pictures, and I can see a difference. No one else can... I totally have the start of a belly. It looks like I have just eaten too many milkshakes, but no... Its a belly! And, did you know pregnancy is a great diet? I've lost 2 pounds!! I have started wearing maternity pants, although I totally don't need them. I don't want to buy pants in the next size up... And I just feel cool wearing them! How long will that last???

Anyways... Monday J and I had our first OB ultrasound... However, it was still the fun internal type, and this wand was definitly not as smooth as the one at my RE's. The one at my RE looked like a dildo. And it was smooth and round. This one was a RECTANGLE! Why? I don't know, but it was more painful than the one at my RE's. Also, I think the u/s techs at my RE spend a lot more time showing you things... But, alas, it is so much more fun to see this little being than seeing the "empty womb" pictures and the pictures of ovaries with 20 follicles on them... My Sprout no longer looks like a turtle or a tadpole, but a real baby! It has fingers!! And little frog legs! AND... the tail is gone!! Little Sprout was actually moving, which was so cool to see!

And then, I heard the most beautiful sound I have ever heard... the heartbeat. I cried. I couldn't help it... It was so fast and so magical! I wanted to listen to it forever! Its so amazing that this little bean started as a single cell, developed into 10 cells, was frozen, thawed and inserted 2 months later, and now it has a heartbeat and fingers and frog legs.

How can I be so in love with something I have never seen?

Girl or Boy?

2006-10-02T19:01:00.000-05:00

It is so amazing at the opinions every single person has on finding out the gender of YOUR baby! And they aren't shy... Here are some opinions:

"Don't find out; life doesn't have a lot of surprises"
"Don't find out, you aren't the super organized type who needs everything done" (This was from Bitch Girl at work and it was kind of a slam in a way to my organizational skills)
"If you find out, you don't get as much stuff at your shower" from Jenn, who didn't find out and got almost everything on her registry! yahoo!!

Then I get...
"Find out because if you don't you won't get as much stuff at your shower", totally contradicts what Jenn said, which is why I found it so amusing... My friend is convinced if you don't know what you are having, people don't buy you as much stuff...
"Its fun to know"
"Its still a surprise, just earlier!"

My husband really wants to know, but I'm not sure. I have about another two months to decide, so I'm not worried.

Here is my other funny thought... The Chinese Gender Prediction chart says that according to my due date, the baby was conceived when I was 28 in August, so will be a boy. Yet, since this baby was frozen for two months, it was actually conceived in JUNE, so it will be a GIRL... And I also wonder about the whole zodiac thing... Is it based on conception, or birth? This baby was conceived in June, so its birth should be March, not May... Does that change its personality?

These are the things I think about. I'm slowly going insane...

Oh, and my pants no longer fit. I cried until J reminded me it wasn't b/c I was getting fat, its just because I'm pregnant. Its is still an alien idea to me. I'm waiting for the call... "Haha! Just kidding! You aren't pregnant! We'll give you a sock monkey instead for your troubles"

Good thing the nausea has stuck with me; its a reality check!!

A little scary...

2006-09-22T10:33:00.000-05:00

I have totally been slacking on my posts... seems pregnancy can make you feel nauseous and tired. Bet you never heard that before...
Anyways... Monday I had a good appointment and was released to a regular OB. I've been trying to set up an appt. with them since Tuesday, but they won't hear of it. Apparently, the nurse I'm dealing with is... brash and can come across as uncaring... I have been assured by my friends and my RE that they are great doctors, just this nurse is not the friendliest.

I really needed a friendly and caring nurse yesterday as I started to spot. Now, if you don't know me very well, you might not know that I tend to overreact and worry.. a lot... I can be dramatic. When I noticed the spotting, I heard a little voice say that it was okay and normal, but the neurotic side was completely freaking out...

I called the OB and talked to the Bitchy Nurse. I told her I was spotting, and she just kind of sighed and said she wanted to ask me questions. She asked why my RE released me so soon. Um??? I don't know... They are professionals... Everything looks great, why not??? She said it was unusual that usually they don't release patients until 10 weeks (the RE nurse said this was definitly NOT the case, I trust her!) . Then she starts quizzing me on my asthma meds and saying they are a class C. I ask if I should stop them, but she says no, since its important to breathe. And then she starts bugging me about my cat. "They didn't screen you for Toxoplasmosis??? Why not?" Again, I don't know... and from what I've read you are in danger if you get cat feces near you face. Considering my cat does not go outside and I haven't changed the litter box in 19 months, I think my chances are pretty low of having it...

Anyways, I'm still concerned about the spotting and she indicates that since I haven't seen a doctor yet, I'm not really a patient. And, they close at 1. And tomorrow they close at 1. Weird. She tells me she'll have to call me back about setting up an initial appointment sometime on Friday. Well, it is 10:40 and I haven't heard a peep. I'm calling at 12, I don't care if I"m annoying or not!!

I did call my RE and although they don't do OB ultrasounds on Fridays b/c they close early, they said they will squeeze me in. I had to wait for about 30 minutes, but I diddn't care. It was amazing at the care they showed for me. The u/s tech spent forever with me, showing me the heartbeat and amazing 3-D pictures. My baby has a head, eye sockets, two arms, two legs, and umbilical cord, and a bottom!! It was so cool!! She printed off 3 for me. Just the relief I feel is amazing!!

That is my drama for now. The nurse just called back and is setting me up for an appointment. She must have felt my annoyance. The receptionist I just talked to was a sweet as can be and set me up with my appointments and said "congratulations!" That's all I needed to hear.

I'm off to the couch for a few days of resting with my feet up. I feel this baby must be a girl after the worrying she is already making me do! :)

I've been tagged... again!!

2006-09-18T09:06:00.000-05:00

Sorry this has taken so long to respond, to Jamie!! I teach in Illinois, too! :)
Here it goes!

1. Trust~This is an issue for me. I either trust people way too much or way too little. I've noticed that over the last few years, I have been burned pretty badly and don't trust people nearly as much as I used to when I was naive and innocent. When I do trust people, I just pray they don't let me down. I was really weary of giving out my blog address to even my closest friends for just this reason! I try to be a very trustworthy person. When someone tells me "Don't tell anyone" I put it in the "vault" and its there forever. I believe trust and love are so closely related; they are almost the same!

2. Orange~I dated a guy in high school and part of college that wore a lot of orange... One time he asked me to describe him in one word, and this is the word that came to mind. He could be sweet and charming, as well as quite demeaning. He was flamboyant, so much so, some people I know from high school claim he was gay... We dated for 3 years, which is a really long time, especially when you start dating at 17. Breaking up was the best thing for me. It allowed me to be free! He is so orange; loud, kind of obnoxious, but people are generally drawn to it.

3. Designer~Hmmm... I don't know... I think of Clinton and Stacy and there designer clothes. I'm not big on names or designers. My clothes come mostly from Target and Old Navy... This was a hard one, Jamie!

4. Spice~Life needs spice! Since dh and I started ttc, we kind of fell into a pattern. We stopped seeing our friends as much. People showed their true colors. We are still in this rut and we need some spicing up. I know this, he knows this. I think it is so important for couples to stay connected and not fall into the little ruts that break up marriages. This baby is sure spicing things up and I think it will only continue!!

I'm tagging...
Jenn
Mel
Dianne
Sarah

Here are your words:
1.Snow
2.Round
3.Innocent
4.Cookie

Its official...

2006-09-11T17:30:00.000-05:00

Today, I heard the words I've been dreaming of for soooo long... Uterine Pregnancy... Not that "you are pregnant" wasn't fantastic, but to know that my baby is burrowed inside and taking her supply of what she needs... I have no words.

We have a heartbeat! Yes, only one, much to the chagrin of the grandmoms to be... I was even a tad disappointed, but it was quickly erased to see this little beating thing... Probably the coolest thing I have ever seen! J came with and held my hand and grinned.

I asked about my prospective due date, and she said I'm about 6 weeks, 4 days; almost an entire week ahead of what I first thought! My due date would be May 3rd, the day before my mom's b-day. Another Taurus to butt heads with (sorry, Dianne, I was hoping for a Gemini, too!).

Thank you for all your kind words about my last freak out blog... I bought "The Girlfriend's Guide to Pregnancy" and "Belly Laughs". Both are way funnier and don't have thinks like: "You will miscarry this baby and have no chance of ever having another baby again if you even THINK about caffeine."

I'm off to contemplate my naval and stare at the back of my eyelids for a few hours! :)

One Neurotic Mama

2006-09-09T20:52:00.000-05:00

If you are reading this and ttc, please, please, please don't be annoyed at my complaints. I feel like I'm going to loose it at any moment and just need to get it out!!

Since I found out I was pregnant, I have been on an emotional roller coaster. One minute I'll be day dreaming about baby toes and the feel of a newborn (or two) craddled against my chest... The next I'm convinced that somehow my blood test was mixed up or that when I have my u/s there will be nothing there. I woke up a couple days ago, and felt absolutly normal. My boobs didn't hurt, I didn't feel mayo in my mouth... I called the nurse and she reassured me that this was normal and that I would have good days and bad days as my body adjusted to the hormones. The next day, to make up for it, my boobs were sore again, and I felt the worst case of nausea yet (hooray for me!!). So I feel like I'm pregnant, and then a little voice says "you are on progesterone and estrogen; that can make you feel pregnant, too".

And the books don't help, either! Its all "guard your happiness" and "don't tell!" I have done so much to get this far, and you are telling me I can't be happy yet? If anyone knows of any really good pregnancy books, please share them... Something uplifting would be nice...

When I was ttc, I thought as soon as I get pregnant, I'll feel just such relief. And I did... For about 4 hours. My friends have all reassured me that this is totally normal and it will probably never go away. Worrying is part of motherhood.

Monday is my first u/s. I am a little apprehensive that there will be nothing. J is confident I have about 6 babies in me. I think once I see something, that will ease my fears, at least for a few hours...

Thank you for reading. Sorry for the complaints. Please, feel free to soothe my fears! :)

4 weeks 6 days

2006-09-05T18:20:00.000-05:00

I don't know what else to title my blog... So creative, huh???

I thought I would post the reactions of people I have told.

J said, "you're kidding? Really?" He was in total shock. The whole night he looked so much like an accident victim. He told me he was all prepared for it to be negative... Can you blame him after my meltdown the night before? Since then, he has been extremely excited calling me his "babymama". So cute!

I wanted to tell my mom in person, so I told her J was coming over to bring her something. She said she was going out, but I somehow convinced her to wait. I walked in and she looked stunned to see me. I told her and she hugged me about 4 times. She didn't cry, and told me she wanted to but "held it in".

My dad kept repeating, "I'm so happy, I'm soooo happy!"

Jeff's mom told Jeff's dad to "Come in the living room... Grandpa!" I think he was confused at first. Then he understood and hugged us both!

Jeff's mom was probably the most excited. She started to cry and say "My stomach is doing flip flops!" She asked about a million questions and said that we need to go shopping. She has already bought me a book about eating right (um... yeah...) and this beautiful wreath made of diapers and cute baby stuff. She is already planning a shower and is convinced I'm having twins!

My brother (who is only 15) is excited about being an uncle, but doesn't want to baby sit.

Jeff's brother was a little "whatever" about the whole thing.

My sister cried and has already bought Baby a tye-died onesie!

My friends are all excited. Julia probably the most so... :)

The other 1st grade teachers don't know b/c they are too self centered to ask how I am doing. The 2nd grade teacher know and are very happy! :)

My principal advised me not to tell anyone in case something happend (like I already wasn't worried enough) and asked when I would be having it, because she'll need to find a sub. Oh, and then she said congratulations. I have never seen someone so unexcited. It was like I was telling her I was having a potato for lunch, not having a baby!!

For those of you that are curious... My prog. level jumped to 57, my HCG is at 1,918, and my estrogen level is at 400. The doctor is very happy. Next week, I get my first OB ultrasound!! I'm keeping everything crossed for a healthy strong baby... or babies... :)

I have some symptoms... My boobs feel like waterballoons and I have become obsessed with poking them and having J feel them (nice thing to do to a guy when we have to abstain for the next 8 weeks). They have these really blue lines running around them. I feel bloated. I am exhausted. And here is a symptom that is totally my OWN... I have mayo mouth. No, not METAL, MAYO! I seriously feel like I ate an entire jar. It is disgusting. No morning sickness, but every afternoon I start to feel really gross... I have a feeling I'll be having morning sickness in the afternoon... NOT THAT I'M COMPLAINING.... :)

The Tests Really Work!

2006-09-01T18:29:00.000-05:00

I was in such denial that these tests even work... But here's proof! I can't help being such a dork. Man, its way fun to POAS when there is good news!

When I first thought about "telling people", I thought for sure I would wait about 12 weeks. Um... seems I can't keep a secret! I haven't told many people at school yet. Perhaps I'll send out an email with my test!
Jeff, however, has only told his parents and brother.

The moral of the story is, Joei cannot keep secrets!

Surreal

2006-08-31T20:16:00.000-05:00

That's about all I can say...
My hcg level is 245. My progesterone level is 15.9. My doctor thinks its a little too low, so I'm taking a concentrated version of 1 cc of progesterone increase it. I would take 12 shots a day, just to stay... PREGNANT!! I can't believe it! I made J stop at Walgreens to get a Clearblue Easy test, just to see the word.
I doubted it sooooo much! I have no symptoms except for being tired, but who isn't tired!!
It just isn't real yet. I don't think it will feel real until I'm feeling kicks!

Thanks for all your thoughts and prayers... I know they helped!

Oh crap! Didn't I promise these babies a car???

Joei and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good Very Bad Day!

2006-08-30T20:34:00.000-05:00

Thank you Judith Viorst for creating Harry and giving me a great blog title. And its so fitting... However, I only WISH the worst part of my day was not getting the shoes I wanted and finding gum in my hair. Sorry, Harry, I win!

By the way, I'm prone to outbursts of dramatic tendencies. My day wasn't that bad in reality, but in my world, it sucked!

School was fine. The kids are super chatty, but they are only 6, and really, I'm not a video game, I'm not a cartoon, I don't make balloon animals... How fun can I be??? "At least they are cute" is my mantra. However, one of my boys threw his arms around me, looked up with big eyes and said "I really love you!" If you want a confidence boost, teach 1st grade!

Afterwards, I rush off to my 4:00 class, which actually starts at 4:30, and has started at 4:30 for the past 2 years. No biggie. Our new instructor has us go around introducing each other (its a cohort, we've been together going on 3 years... we know LOTS!). When I had my first round of IVF in June, I had a summer class and missed a couple days because of the transfer and then because of a lovely bout with vertigo. Somehow, it got around that I was doing IVF while I was gone. Like I posted before, I don't care, I'm OUT... Anyways, the first girl to talk announces, "I'm due April 27th!" I mumble congrats as the class squeals. I'm a little irratated she didn't tell me personally or warn me or SOMETHING (is that really too much to ask?). In my head I think "everyone is going to have a baby before me!". We go around and I announce that I'm still not expecting, but could use mass quantities of chocolate. We keep going and another woman announces she is expecting, too! That makes THREE girls in our cohort of 18! The third is this bitchy girl I work with; the one who thinks I'm rude because I told her it might be hard for me to be around her while she's pregnant and I'm struggling so hard to be(its hard to be around her NOT pregnant, too!). I'm fighting back the tears as more congratulations are squealed. I don't even attempt to look happy. I'm not. Then, then, THEN bitchy pregnant girl starts complaining because she is due in October and might miss 2 classes and (gasp!) our instructor is going to take off (gasp, again!) 2% form her grade. I want to scream "You get a BABY!! Who cares about 2% points???" I make it through class without crying and without screaming. I try to push the thoughts of "What if there are no babies left for ME????" And seriously, what are the odds that I'll be pg if there are already 3 preggos in class now???

I make it home, and J is cooking tacos. I tell him about it and he hugs me and says it will be alright. My sister calls at that moment and starts rambling on about how she is sooooo busy at work, and she's going to go visit her friend tomorrow and Friday and Why haven't I called??? She never asks how I'm feeling. Not one hint that maybe MY life is a little more stressful than hers... After about 15 minutes of her talking she snaps, "I'm going to let you go b/c you just don't seem that into talking", and not in a nice, sisterly way... I tell her I had a bad day. No response. Not, why? What happened? Nothing. She wonders why I don't call. I hang up and burst into tears.

Sorry, Harry... I win.

Oh, and tomorrow is my beta. I am feeling NO symptoms. Just tired and crabby and hopeless.
Fuck you, infertility!

In or Out?

2006-08-28T20:48:00.000-05:00

OUT, I'm soooo OUT there! I think I'm one of the few, and sometimes that embarrasses me. Like I should be more personal about it, but I can't.

I wear my pomegrante bracelet with pride (although not one person ask inquired about it); I'd wear all pomegrante clothes if if would label me more! If there was a parade, I'd be waving my flag! My sister would be home, denying that infertility exists, and my mom would be the one covering her eyes and telling people, "Its just a phase" and telling me "Stop being so crabby; you're not dying!" as I walk by, IF grabbing by the balls, singing "So Hard" by the Dixie Chicks. Yup, I'm out.

And why not? I had so many people help me along my route, but there was so much missing, so much NOT talked about that I had to read up on and ask my IF pals about. And why? And I quote my mom, "Not everyone needs to be educated". This is the thinking of so many women. "If its not happening to me, its not happening". I swear to you, some of my friends still live under the guise that if I just "relax" and take a vacation, I will miraculously get pregnant. Unfortunatly, no matter what I do, J's sperm will not change its shape. Just today this guy at work (see, I tell EVERYONE!!) was telling me him and his wife tried for 6 years and had just given up, and then it happened! WOW! So, I should just wait, give up, and then I'll be pregnant? And why the HELL didn't they see a doctor after trying for say, a year? I just don't understand and the majority of people don't want to understand.

I feel like I was given IF for a reason. Its my thing to fight against. Its my thing to fight for equal rights for IF patients! So many women are struggling with being able to PAY for IVF and Dianne, you are right, those rules are passed by men strung out on Viagra. Why are vasectomies covered? Why are abortions covered? If you are going to cover one, they all need to be covered. Its like telling a diabetes patient treatment won't be covered, the diagnosis will. What the HELL??? This is why we all need to band together and FIGHT! The more people that know, the more our voice will be heard.

Who will join me in my parade? I dare you...

Hello? Snowbabies? Are you in there???

2006-08-27T20:16:00.000-05:00

Today is 8 dp3dfet. I feel nothing. No symptoms. Should I feel anything? Please, just tell me NO and I'll be a happy camper! I wish a little fairy would come down and tell me if my snowbabies have stuck or not! I've been getting a little light headed, but that could be from all the estrace I'm on. My boobs don't hurt, although my chest is broken out. I don't feel bloated, but when I eat, I feel a fullness sooner than normal. I'm exhausted, but, I'm taking all that progesterone, and I just started back up at school. If I get realistic, I'm only about 11dpo, which is too soon for even a hpt, which I refuse to do. I still have some hope, and I'm hanging on with dear life!

J and I have been talking to our snowbabies who we decided we will name Jonas Rocket (stolen from Blink 182 guy) and Jayden (JayJay) Rainbow. Yup! I have been promising all sorts of things to them, like the monkey at Target, and a new SUV to fit their way cool double stroller that we will also buy them. I mean, come on! What more could two little snowbabies want??? A trip to Disney World? Done! Ice cream for breakfast? No problem! The sky is the limit, little ones! So many people are awaiting your decision... Please STICK, STICK, STICK!!!

Can Thursday PLEASE hurry up!!!

Ugly

2006-08-25T17:40:00.000-05:00

I have a deep, dark, ugly side. It is sooooo ugly, I don't even want to talk about it, but I have a feeling its normal, and feel like I have to. I want to share ALL the feelings of infertility, not just the pretty ones...

I'm jealous. And its getting BAD!!! One of my friend's from high school called me up on Sunday, the day after my FET, announcing her baby daughter was born. She was healthy, 7 lbs, 15 oz. Know what my first thought was? "I hope she doesn't ask me to come see her." Isn't that terrible? I had to force myself to ask the right questions, and had to force emotion into my voice. All I really wanted to do was hang up and cry. My husband was right there and said "You did good."

There are two pg women at school and I can't WAIT until their babies are born! Why? So I don't have to see their bellies every day. One of them has this perfect little basketball and whenever I see her, I just stare at it. Terrible, right?

Today I was checking in emergency cards for kids. I just stopped and stared at them and thought "Why is this person so lucky? Why do they get to fill out emergency cards for their kids? Why can't I?" I must have had the strangest look on my face when a coworker walked in.

I'm even a little jealous of my friends. Jess is going to start trying soon, and I just remember that feeling... So optimistic... So hopeful... Part of me really hopes I get pg before you, Jess, and I'm sorry for that. I will be soooooo happy for you if you are pregnant, and I'm not, but you might have to give me some space. Same goes for you Judi, if you get pregnant with #2 before I have #1. I will honestly and whole heartedly be happy for you; its just difficult. And Julia, I love you boys so much, and I hate that little twinge that hits me. I find it pretty easy to push it out of the way and hug your boys soooo tight!! And when you call me and one is screaming, I don't feel so jealous anymore... ;) And my Venting room friends... I'm excited for you, especially since I know what you have gone through to get where you are. I have more hope that I will soon join your side than I feel jealousy. Its like "one of us made it to the other side!"

I've even started to throw away the baby announcements. I have a friend who will send me cute pics of her kids. Sometimes, I delete them without even looking at them.

This is an ugly, ugly, side. And I can't do a thing about it.

The Plight of the Tiny Snowbabies!

2006-08-21T18:03:00.000-05:00

Saturday was the day! J and I got up early... Okay, I got up early, J rolled around in bed until it was time to go... I made him take me to Panera for breakfast (let the spoiling begin!). We went to the office and barely had to wait, which was great since my bladder was soooo full! Not full enough, however, as Nurse made me drink another entire water bottle!

The embryologist came in and said she had to thaw out 6 snowbabies to get 2 good ones. One was an A and starting to compact, and the other was a B, starting to show signs of compaction. Don't ask what compaction is, I don't know... I was a little sad about my discarded snowbabies, and the fact that I only have 3 left, but I'm trying to be hopeful that I won't even need them!

The procedure was a little painful, but I'm sure nothing compared to childbirth. The entire time I kept praying "Please God, let this be it... Let these little embryos grow to become healthy babies!"

The doctor shook our hands and said that he thinks he'll be giving us good news in a couple weeks. The amount of hope I have in that is so overwhelming. The nurse gave us an ultrasound picture, and I so badly want to put it in a baby book. "This is you when you were 8 cells..."

My aunt called me up, all excited, saying "This is IT! I can feel it! I just know it!" I really hope so! I'm feeling really, really hopeful about the whole thing. I'm going to try to hold on to that feeling for as long as possible.

Its just amazing to think that I have little snowbabies in me... Its just a nice feeling. And I'm embracing it with my entire heart and soul!

'Twas the Night Before FET

2006-08-18T21:09:00.000-05:00

First off, Dianne, I promise I'll fill out your tagging info soon! :)

Tomorrow is the day! My estrogen level went soaring up to 300, so we are back on! My RE's office thaws out embryos until they get two "good" ones. I really hope it doesn't take that many to thaw, and I know about 30% don't make it through a thaw. I just am hopeful that there will be some left in case this one doesn't work, or in case I want to do another FET after baby(ies) #1!

J took off of work so we could have a "fun day". We laid around in bed for awhile, just talking. J was making his b-day list, and I told him he should write me a poem instead. He wrote very sweet things about admiring my courage and thanking me for going through so much to give us a family. It was so sweet! He has become so much more compassionate lately! Not that he ever wasn't, but its more so! Anyways, we started the day by taking my car in to get a way overdue oil change and had breakfast at Colonial. Surrounding us were elderly couples, and I couldn't help but smile at the thought of J and I being that old someday, still holding hands. J then took me to the bookstore, saying I needed stuff to read. I couldn't find a lot that interested me, and everything that sounded good had babies in it, even the "Shopaholic and Sister" ended with her being pg (I always read the last few pages of a book before reading it)! I finally found a book and off we went! We went to see "Little Miss Sunshine", which was really good! A dark comedy, but great! We just kind of laid low and relaxed. I felt pretty calm all day.

But now its night. And the questions seep in. I am trying to shut my mind to them, but I can't help it. Its the typical garden variety, "What if it doesn't work again? Will I be able to handle it?" I want to be excited, but its a really weird feeling. I kind of feel that once those embryos are transfered, I will be pregnant, in a way. There will be live embryos in me, hopefully dividing and implanting. They have the possibility to become real live babies, something I want very much. I went over to my friend Judi's house and her baby fell asleep snuggled against me. The feeling was so overpowering. I just really knew; this is my journey. This is my dream. This is what I want. And maybe my reasons are not the "right" ones, but my babies are the missing piece to my soul.

Jenn and Yvonne assured me that God listens... God, please, answer this prayer; give me the chance to be a good mom, I won't let you down!

Estrogen Delay

2006-08-14T18:11:00.000-05:00

I went to my RE today... My lining is good at 10.3 (anything above 7 makes my doctor happy!). However, my estrogen level is only 83, and they want it above 120. I have to take, get this...
12 estrace pills a day!! I was taking 6 and thought that was a lot. The pills are about the size of 1/2 a tic tac, so they are no big deal. The bummer is that they are pushing my FET day back, and that's if my estrogen level goes up... If its not up... CANCELLED... yuck. I'm so bummed about the whole thing. I was looking forward to having my 2 bed rest days, and then 2 days to chill out at home... Not anymore... and that's if it isn't cancelled.

I told J it was as if God didn't want me to have a baby. Of course he told me that wasn't true, but what if it is? God, if you are listening, I will be the best mom I can be to my baby(ies)! I will spoil them with love. They will never, ever doubt that I care. I won't get angry when they leave their toys out or bring worms into the house. I will take them anywhere they want to go. I'll teach them how to be good people. I will raise them to love and be empathetic to everyone. I'll take them to see the ocean and watch the sunrise and set above it. I'll take them to the movies in their pjs. I'll let them fingerpaint, even if its an hour after I washed the floor. I won't let them think they are anything less then beautiful, important, creative, magnificent and appreciated. I will treat my children like the blessings they are! I'll even let them eat ice cream for breakfast and pancakes for dinner... God, please, just give me the chance to love my babies!

Am I Less?

2006-08-11T20:57:00.000-05:00

Jeff and I were watching our favorite Friday night show... TLC's What Not To Wear. We are seriously addicted and often refer to Stacy and Clinton like they are personal friends. Yes, we can be a little dorky! But, after my Wednesday shopping trip with Julia, I think she could watches it just as much as I do! She even had the hand gestures down! "Now, Joei, you see how these pockets accentuate your hips? Not good... You want to draw the attention AWAY from them..."

Anyways... A commercial comes on for a show on making moms into models. I turn to Jeff and say, "You are nothing in this world if you are not a mom". The minute the words tumbled out of my mouth, I really felt how true they were. I started babbling on about how they should have a make over show for women on fertility drugs... We could really use a boost in self-esteem and self-confidence, especially when your belly is bloated and you feel just plain old fat!

Everywhere you look, there are women with babies, men with babies, families, everywhere! They have parking for pregnant women at the mall! I think I should get a special parking spot "Infertile Woman on Hormones Parking ONLY" and the spaces should be extra wide and you will get a massage upon making to the mall without running over anyone.

Every Mother's Day, my aunt has this huge brunch. I always thought it was nice of her to cook and clean since she didn't have kids. OPPS! Stupid Joei! This Mother's Day, I called her and cried, and she cried with me. I don't think its fair that she never experienced the homemade cards or little presents like the "World's Best Mom" coffee cups, and then she was expected to act all happy to have us all over. I'm still trying to figure out this "Not a Mother's Day" holiday.

At work, I was the one that got put onto a stupid committe since I don't have kids. And its rubbed into my bleeding heart everyday, "I can't stay late; the babysitter will be mad" "I have 2 kids at home; I can't take on any extra work." My team all worked together to help the pregnant woman on our team get her room set up! I wanted to scream, "I'm getting snowbabies implanted on Thursday! I need help, too!" But I didn't. And I won't. I am invisible to them, to everyone, and I will be until I have my babies in tow. And I can't wait to have my team put my room together because, " I have twin babies at home!"

Babyness

2006-08-07T18:18:00.000-05:00

I have become completely and utterly obsessed with babies. I search for stuff online, I wander the stores and touch all the soft baby toys. I breath in the baby smell. I want so bad to buy little binkies and the musical duck at Target. I don't, but I want to!

I found a pacifier the other day as I was walking my two monster dogs. A normal person would have left the paci on the ground and kept walking. I, however, am NOT a normal person. I picked it up, put it in my pocket and headed home. I kind of forgot it was in my pocket until I went to take a shower. I washed it off and just held it in my hands. I didn't know what to do with it, so I tied it to the angel that hangs from my night stand light. Like I said, I am NOT a normal person...

As my FET hangs overhead, I am going through the typical emotions. I'm nervous, I'm anxious, I'm hopeful... I am very guarded that it will be another BFN. I want to push that thought out of my mind... Hope, don't slip away now!

Why Do YOU Want a Baby?

2006-08-05T10:53:00.000-05:00

I was working out yesterday, watching The View (not my favorite, but it was my only option), and they were talking about why people want babies. They were saying how some people want them so someone will love them, and other people want someone to love. It just got me thinking...

Am I being selfish to want a baby? The world is kind of crappy right now. Is it just instinctual? I need a part of me to go on? Perhaps, and maybe at the beginning of ttc, it was more of just a feeling that I wanted a baby. Seeing my girlfriends with their swollen bellies and hearing about feeling tiny kicks and the wonderful world of baby showers just sounded like where my life should be headed. When my best friend was pregnant, I felt that feeling grow. And then she had her babies. No matter how often she told me how frustrated she was or how the babies could not be consoled, I still wanted them! I would go over to her house when they were small and just marvel at how she just knew how to take care of these babies. I still marvel at how good of a mom she is to her toddlers!

During this looooonnnnngggg journey to motherhood, I've at times contemplated why I do want a baby. Not just "a baby", three babies. And I want all three of these babies to grow up to be happy, well-adjusted adults with children of their own. I want to have kids so I can someday be a grandma! And I want to buy those adorable sun dresses that come with ruffly baby undies!

I want kids because they are hope. They are the future. As hokey as that sounds, it is true. Yes, the world is crappy, and yes, instinctually, I want a piece of me to go on. I feel like if I'm a good enough mother, and I know J will be an awesome dad, our children will be able to influence changes in the world, advocates for change. I want to teach them to not sit quietly when something is wrong; to stand up for what they know is right. I want to teach them to see beauty in the world and protect it. Our Earth is so fragile, and our kids are really the ones that are going to have to deal with global warming and such. I want to show my kids how to love and how to be loved. Our world is in major deficit of love. I know my children will probably not grow up to be the President, but maybe they'll be able to make things better in their own way.

Those are just some of the reasons I want kids. It sounds idealistic, but that's my nature. I already have so much love for babies that don't even have heartbeats or eye lashes, but they have so much potential. Each one of my little snowbabies has the genetic make up that will make them strong and loving human beings; how can I not be in love?

I've Been Tagged!

2006-08-02T16:21:00.000-05:00

Dianne~ I'm soooo smart! I figured it out all by myself!! I don't have anyone to tag, except for MEL!!

Four jobs I have had in my life:
1. Mc Donald's Fry Girl--lasted 3 mos.
2. Marshall's fitting room--YECH!! Gross! Worse job ever!
3.Grocery store bagger/cashier- Started at 17, quit at 21! I met dh there, so not all that bad!
4. First Grade Teacher ( I LOVE my job!)

Four movies I watch over and over:
1. When Harry Met Sally
2. You've Got Mail
3. Serendipity
4. The Breakfast Club

Four places I have lived:
1.Illinois-- Lots of different towns, but all in Illinois...
2.
3.
4.
Four TV shows I love to watch:
1. Grey's Anatomy
2. Super Nanny
3. American Idol
4. Birth Day (yes, I like to torture myself!)

Four places I have been on vacation:
1. Mexico
2. Florida
3. San Francisco
4. Branson, Mo (Don't bother...)

Four websites I visit daily:
www.yahoo.com
www.babycenter.com
www.ivfconnections.com
www.amazon.com

Four of my favorite foods:
1. ice cream
2. fajitas
3. pasta
4. chocolate

Four places I would rather be right now:
1. Hawaii
2. Mexico
3. Carribean
4. Bahamas
~anywhere I can get to the ocean!!

Four favorite bands/singers:
1. Tom Petty
2. Barenaked Ladies
3. Bon Jovi
4. John Lennon

I guess I'll tag Mell at: http://melmck.blogspot.com/

Why God Gave Me Infertility~For Carla

2006-07-31T16:56:00.000-05:00

This was sent to me awhile ago and has helped when I was feeling blue... Carla said something about wanting to know God's plan that sparked my memory to this... Enjoy!

What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility? I think he meant for my husband and I to grow closer, become stronger, love deeper. I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get up every time infertility knocks us down. I think God meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equipment, create procedures and protocols. I think God meant for us to find a cure for infertility.

No, God never meant for me not to have children. That's not my destiny; that's just a fork in the road I'm on. I've been placed on the road less traveled, and, like it or not, I'm a better person for it. Clearly, God meant for me to develop more compassion, deeper courage, and greater inner strength on this journey to resolution, and I haven't let him down. Frankly, if the truth be known, I think God has singled me out for a special treatment. I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and so deep that when that baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest, most refreshing drink I've ever known.

While I would never choose infertility, I can not deny that a fertile woman could never know the joy that awaits me. Yes, one way or another, I will have a baby of my own. And the next time someone wants to offer me unsolicited advice I'll say, "Don't tell me what God meant when he handed me infertility. I already know."

H O P E

2006-07-28T16:03:00.000-05:00

Today I have hope. She came back full force today. I'm not sure why she has decided to grace me once again with her presence, but I'm not pushing her away. I revel in her attention, enjoying every minute.

I had a doctor's appointment today, just for baseline bloodwork and ultrasound. I was unusually calm. Usually I'm so anxious, but today, nothing. They took me right back for my blood, and I didn't bruise today! After the blood and non-bruising, I had my ultrasound immediately. There was a new ultrasound tech. She was soooo young and kept saying things like "looks gorgeous" and "just one more peak and I'll be outie". Very strange comments when a perfect stranger has her hand betwen your thighs poking around with a condom wearing wand that closely resembles a dildo. Anyways.. She was poking around for a good 10 minutes. She found a fibroid and a "remnant" of a cyst or follie. I wasn't alarmed, I was just relieved when she got out of there!

I drove away and headed off to work out. My sister called and asked me to pick her up so she could work out with me. We watch the closed captioning of The View and discover we both don't believe in open marriages and dislike Colin Farrel because he looks like he needs a bath. We left and headed for Panera. I ate my fruit cup and large iced tea while my sister sipped her I.C. Mocha and butter laden bagel. My sister is a good 30 lbs less than me. Something is NOT fair in our gene pool! We go shop for awhile, and I discover she has been talking to some people at work about me and has all these women giving her information on adoption and such. I was shocked! I was under the impression that she was oblivious to my pain, but instead, she is out there doing preliminary leg work for adoption! I was amazed, especially after the fight I had with my mom!

Oh, and the nurse finally called saying my estrogen level was 30.2, and my progesterone level was .99 and I'm good to start Estrace and decrease lupron on Monday. And all I can think about is jumping online and ordering the Bella Band because I'll definitly need it soon...

Wow... Hope... Back full force. Please, please, please, don't let me down!

What to Expect When You Are NOT Expecting, Part II

2006-07-27T18:19:00.000-05:00

In light of the lovely fight I had with my mom yesterday...

6. People will say dumb things. REALLY dumb things. Here are some of my favorites:
At least you aren't dying!
I have a friend, and she didn't talk about infertility at all!
You sure are crabby!
Not everyone needs to be educated.
Are you doing it right?
Are you getting the right hole?
You know it has to be done during the middle of your cycle, right?
Just relax! You are thinking about it too much!
Maybe you just aren’t meant to have children.
IVF will cause cancer.
If you do IVF, you’ll have to be on birth control pills for the rest of your life.
You know, there are other ways to have children.
I would NEVER go through IVF!
Are you pregnant yet? No? Well, tell me when you are.
Adopt! My sister was two weeks from getting her baby when she found out she was pregnant, so she didn’t need to adopt.
Call ME if you want to talk!
My friend told me not to bring it up, so I won't talk about it.
Here! I found this in a magazine. This is your answer!
I just went to my OB/GYN and took Clomid for a year.
You are lucky you have this extra time with your husband.
Have you checked your temperature?
This is God's way of teaching you patience.
You are going to be way overprotective when you have your baby.
God will give you a baby when your time is right.

I could comment on all of these things, but I can’t even dignify them with a response. I usually just stutter some lame response. And then, guess what? I cry...

Just to be fair....

Here are the BEST things people have said:

How are you doing?
Can I get you anything?
Can I help?
Tell me how this procedure works...
You and Jeff are going to make wonderful parents!
Your baby(ies) are going to be so lucky to have you!
There is a reason for everything... You will be able to help other women going through this.
You are amazing.
You are strong.
I will be a surrogate if you need me to be.
I'm coming over with a chocolate milkshake!
I love you.
The whole world is waiting on these babies. They are going to be so loved when they get here!
I'm proud of you.
I don't always know the right thing to say, but I am thinking about you.
I am praying for you.
You have every right to your feelings.
I can't wait to see your babies!!
I want to be a dad to our babies.

These comments were said with so much love by my friends (Venting Room, and the J's) my wonderful aunt, and my lovely husband. A lot of these comments are just supportive of me and my Jeff. They are just so simple, but they make me feel safe.

I know the insensitive comments are not meant to be vendictive or mean, but they hurt... I need to post "advice" like Dianne did!! :) Thanks for reading!

Another song

2006-07-26T16:23:00.000-05:00

Whenever I hear the following song, I cry. In the video, there is this little girl, like 7 or 8 dancing around in her room as her jewelry box jams this song (fans and all included in the box!).
Since I first saw it, every time I hear this song, I think about how if I ever have a little girl, I will totally sing this to her!!

The World
Brad Paisley

To the teller down at the bank
You're just another checking account
To the plumber that came today
You're just another house
At the airport ticket counter
You're just another fare
At the beauty shop at the mall
Well you're just another head of hair
Well that's alright, that's ok
If you don't feel important, honey
All I've got to say is
[Chorus]
To the world
You may be just another girl
But to me
Baby, you are the world

To the waiter at the restaurant
You're just another tip
To the guy at the ice cream shop
You're just another dip
When you can't get reservations
'Cause you don't have the clout
Or you didn't get an invitation
'Cause somebody left you out
That's alright, that's ok
When you don't feel important honey
All I've got to say is

[Repeat chorus]

You think you're one of millions but you're one in a million to me
When you wonder if you matter, baby look into my eyes
And tell me, can't you see you're everything to me
That's alright, that's ok
When you don't feel important honey
All I've gotta say is
[Repeat chorus]

Lulu

2006-07-26T11:43:00.000-05:00

About two weeks ago, I made the decision to "talk" to someone. A professional. Someone that can help me. I was nervous, as I've had bad experience in the past. I start driving, it starts raining. I see a little Yorkie tottering around in a pink tee-shirt. Yup, rhinestones and everything. I don't know what to do, so I call everyone I know. My friend, Jess, my sister, my mom, my husband. NO ONE ANSWERS!! So I leave strange messages. Jeff calls back, tells me to bring it to the humane society. I tell him, no, I'm going to the doctor. He starts sputtering who else to call. Um, I'm NOT a phone book, nor do I carry one with me... So I hang up on him, turn around and drive home. I grab the cat carrier for this little girl who has been sitting on my lap, shivering, and licking my fingers (I'm slowly falling in love and really contemplating just keeping her to myself). I am daydreaming about her name. Probably something like "Princess" or "Precious". Nah, looks like a Tallula to me... I LOVE that name... Anyways... as I'm grabbing the cat carrier, Jess has called. She tells me to call her back, and I do. No answer. She calls about 2 minutes later asking where I am because she is in front of my house. "I thought you were dying! What's going on?" I tell her. "A DOG?? Woof, woof, dog?" I know she probably thinks I'm nuts, and when I tell her I'm going to talk to someone, I can tell she is secretly relieved that her friend is not finger painting the kitchen floor wearing a gorilla suit and a pink wig.
The doctor's appointment is unimportant, but what is important is that not only does she let me take the dog into the office, but lets her in the room with us!
I am driving back home, and I call animal control. The woman looks up anyone in the surrounding area that has Yorkies, and gives me the name of a Yorkie an address. The name? Lulu. So adorable!! I LOVE it!! I ask the dog if that's her name and she starts wagging her little tail and spinning in circles.
I ring the bell, kind of hoping no ones answers so at least I can play with this little girl all day...
A woman comes to the door... A woman with a HUGE PREGNANT BELLY!! I want to run away... she gets this cute dog and is pregnant? I ask if she's lost a dog, and she says, yes and starts to cry. I hug her and tell her I have her in my car. The woman is grateful, but doesn't offer me her unborn child. I kindly ask her when she's due, offer congratulations, and get in my car. I start to call Jeff, and am in hysterics. I can't stop crying. Why couldn't she belong to some gay couple? Or just a normal woman? Why did she have to be pregnant and have a dog named Lulu???
All I can think of is that Lulu just had to bring me the message that I will be big and pregnant someday soon, too. Its a stretch, but, maybe its a glimmer of hope...

Kokopelli

2006-07-23T17:50:00.000-05:00

I heard from my friend Jenn that she wore a kokopelli bracelet when she was ttc. I immediately had to have one!! I looked online, but found none that appealed to me. About a week later, I went to a jewelry trade show with my mom and aunt. Guess what the first thing I saw was? YUP!! I was soooo excited, and even more so when the woman said they were 1/2 off! Anyways, I'm in the middle of a huge post, but I thought I'd post information on this guy... :) I'm hoping it will work!
Have a great day!

Kokopelli
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Kokopelli is a fertility deity, usually depicted as a humpbacked flute player (often with a huge phallus and antenna-like protrusions on his head), who has been venerated by many Native American cultures in the Southwestern United States. Like most fertility deities, Kokopelli presides over both childbirth and agriculture. He is also a trickster god and represents the spirt of music.
Because of his influence over human sexuality, Kokopelli is often depicted with an inhumanly large phallus. Among the Ho-Chunk, this penis is detachable, and he sometimes leaves it in a river in order to have sex with girls who bathe there. Among the Hopi, Kokopelli carries unborn children on his back and distributes them to women (for this reason, young girls are often deathly afraid of him). He often takes part in rituals relating to marriage, and Kokopelli himself is sometimes depicted with a consort, a woman called Kokopelli-mana by the Hohokam and Hopi.[1]
Kokopelli also presides over the reproduction of game animals, and for this reason, he is often depicted with animal companions such as rams and deer. Other common creatures associated with him include sun-bathing animals such as snakes, or water-loving animals like lizards and insects. Because of this, some scholars believe that Kokopelli's flute is actually a blowgun (or started out as one), but this is a minority opinion.
In his domain over agriculture, Kokopelli's fluteplaying chases away the Winter and brings about Spring. Many tribes, such as the Zuni, also associate Kokopelli with the rains. He frequently appears with Paiyatamu, another flautist, in depictions of maize-grinding ceremonies. Some tribes say he carries seeds and babies on his back.
From approximately the 1990s onward, his image has appeared on neo-hippy artifacts such as clothing and amulets and as a tattoo, minus the large phallus.

What to Expect When You ARE NOT Expecting

2006-07-22T17:27:00.000-05:00

WARNING!! This one is incredibly long... I wrote it on and off for a few days... I want to write a book about infertility. Not about the medical stuff... Enough books have been written about that. I should list my favorites! Next time... This blog is about What to Expect When You ARE NOT Expecting. This is my book title.

1. Expect your relationship with your husband to change drastically. I love my husband to death, but there are days when I wonder if its all worth it. All of his flaws (which are pretty minimal...) are exasperated by my depression about not having a baby. Everything he does that bugs me has a reason...He leaves the dishes in the sink, to me this means he doesn't care about our house, and how can we have a baby when our house is falling apart? He works late means he would rather spend time at work then with me, will this mean he'll be too tired to play with Baby when he gets home? He pushes our dog away after she's been licking his face for the ten minutes means he doesn't like affection, will he push our baby away? Totally illogical thoughts, I know this, but it doesn't help!

2. You will find out who your real friends are. The girls in the Venting Room, yup! I just wish they lived close enough to go shopping or have a margarita with... I have in my head three friends that I am planning on giving the address to this blog. I have chosen these three for very distinct reasons. Julia has been my friend since we were 16. We went through patches of time when we didn't talk at all! For the past 5 years, though, she has been there for me. She's often taken time from her family (including her adorable twin boys) to spend with me. For this, Julia, I LOVE YOU!! Jess and I started our relationship one snowy afternoon. We worked at a grocery store and were both assigned to push carts. Yup, in the snow. We were 17 and hit it off immediately! Jess and I spent way too many weekends driving to see boys that are so unimportant now I won't dignify them with another word. Jess became my college roommate for our junior and senior years of college. She was there for every broken heart, as well as for the good times. I know sometimes she doesn't know what to say as I'm broken hearted, but I know she is praying for this baby like I am. For this, Jess, I LOVE YOU!! Judi is my good school friend... She went through some infertility issues as well as a premature birth. Her baby boy is adorable with eyes like the ocean at sunrise... She really showed her true colors by calling me and emailing me very consitently, even though she is dealing with issues of her own. She is kind of like my big sister. For this, Judi, ILOVE YOU!! Yes, I only pick friends with the letter J...

3. Your family may not know what to say, so they may say nothing. The month I started ttc, my sister got engaged. My mom immediately said," You know you can't get pregnant now" and I burst into tears. I told her we had already started ttc, and I didn't want to stop. She told me to tell my sister just in case she didn't want a pregnant matron of honor. The day I went to try on bridesmaids dresses, I got my period, and kept crying. I had to tell my aunt what was going on... So, from the very beginning, my family knew. I figured it would take 3 mos, tops, and it wouldn't be a big deal. The months dragged on. My aunt, who dealt with infertility for years was really supportive. My mom had NO idea what to say. I remember when I told that J and I would have to do IVF. I just sobbed. She said, "What's the big deal? You can still have sex..." Um... thanks mom... My sister still doesn't talk about it. Today she was talking about her friend that left her 2 1/2 year old with her sister. I asked if that sister had kids. She said no and I said I was surprised she left her baby with her. My sister asked if I would leave my kids with her. I said no. I hurt her feelings. She said I would change my mind and I should trust her. I said "When you work this hard for a baby, you tell me if you want to let them out of your sight." Nothing more was said. This conversation took place at the gym, on the Eliptical trainer... at least I got my heart rate up!! Anyways... family loves you, they hate to see you hurt, so sometimes they say nothing. If only they knew this hurt more than anything...

4. You will get fat. When I started ttc, I was a very healthy weight. I fit into a size 8. I looked good, I felt good. I ate healthy, I worked out 5 days a week. I earned my 10% Weight Watchers key chain. I would be one of those adorably basketball pregnant woman. Every month that went by, my good habits fell by the wayside. I wanted french fries. I didn't want carrots. I stopped drinking my 8 oz. of water a day. Work out? Are you NUTS???? Nope, I opted for naps, justifying it by saying that soon I wouldn't be able to get anymore naps… I felt tired, so I MUST be pregnant, and I don’t want to work out to disturb this little embryo’s home… I became even more and more depressed. I couldn’t cook, so dear sweet hubby brought home McDonalds and Slurpees and took the dogs for walks at night… And then the hormones the RE gives you are HELL on a body... Its estimated you will gain about 5-10 lbs. What they don't tell you is that this is not normal weight gain... Its the "I'm not going anywhere" weight. And there isn't a thing you can do about it! Try walking on a treadmill when your ovaries have grown to about the size of watermelons. Not an easy task, let me tell you!! Whatever. As my sister said, "You'll gain even more weight if you get what you want, anyways." Yeah, I guess. Goodbye, skinny jeans... Hello adjustable waistbands!!

5. All you will be able to think about is getting pregnant and the fact the you aren't. From the moment I wake up, it is there, perched on my dresser as I put on my kokopelli bracelet. It’s the dread that comes from a shot of some hormone that will make me fat, tired, crabby, or cry... or all of the above! And the feeling stays with me as I drive to work, ready to face the cherubic faces of my first graders. Its there when I listen to the stories of the other teachers, oblivious to my pain as they complain that their 2 year old was up all night, or that their 5 year old won't eat anything brown. Its there when a parent calls me to tell me of an upcoming vacation. The feeling grows and becomes so big, I feel like I'm going to explode! I go to workout, burn some energy. In front of me, a woman and a stroller struggle through the front door. She kisses her baby good bye and heads for the stationary bike, Parents magazine in tow, trying to work off those last 10 pregnancy pounds. And I head home. On the news, another baby is found, stuffed in a dumpster. She's alive, and they are trying to locate her parents. I fight back the urge to run to the hospital and claim she's my sister in law's baby, and yes, I'll make sure she gets home... And then I go to bed. I take off my kokopelli bracelet, and say a little prayer. I dream. I dream of babies. Sometimes they are in my arms, sometimes they are toddlers. They always move before I can see their eyes.

My Song...

2006-07-22T16:03:00.000-05:00

My pal Dianne has been posting songs to express herself, so I thought I would do the same. My grief has completely overtaken me. I wish I were more like Mel and would want to clean everything in sight. Instead, I feel like laying on the floor and sobbing...
Here is my song:

"So Hard" by The Dixie Chicks
Back when we started
We didn't know how hard it was
Living on nothing
But what the wind would bring to us
Now we've got somethingI can imagine fighting for
So why is fighting all that we're good at anymore
And sometimes I don't have the energy
To prove everybody wrong
And I try my best to be strong
But you know it's so hardIt's so hard

It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard when it doesn't come fast
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hardIt felt like a given

Something a woman's born to do
A natural ambition
To see a reflection of me and you
And I'd feel so guilty
If that was a gift I couldn't give
And could you be happy
If life wasn't how we pictured it
And sometimes I just want to wait it out
To prove everybody wrong
And I need your help to move on
Cause you know it's so hard
It's so hard

It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard when it doesn't come fast
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
So hard

I can live for the moment
When all these clouds open up for me to see
And show me a vision
Of you and me swimming peacefully

Last night you told me
That you can't remember
How to feel free

It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard when it doesn't come fast
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy, easy
It's so hard

Happiness

2006-07-19T22:41:00.000-05:00

I'll take my moments of happiness when they come. I feel at peace right now (although I am a little peeved at my friend's Mel's coworkers...). Why is there this sudden feeling of peace? Maybe its because I only have ONE MORE DAY of my summer class... Maybe its because I went out with a friend and really tried not to talk about infertility. Whatever. I just thought it would be fun to make a list of things that make me happy!
1. My husband
2. My family (when they aren't driving me crazy!)
3. My silly friends
4. The way my dog, Bear, cuddles up to me every night and rests his head on my tummy. He looks in my eyes, and I swear, this dog is love in its purest form.
5. Freshly cut grass--ahhh... love that smell!!
6. Waking up on the first day of summer vacation and knowing I have 12 weeks to sleep in.
7. The first day of school-- it holds so much hope... all the crayons are still in their boxes, nametags are still neatly on desks, the parents still like me...
8. Hugs. I don't care who they are from, but my husband gives pretty darn good ones!
9. Getting mail--birthday cards, email, whatever, as long as its for ME (not current resident) and I don't owe money!
10. Windows down, arm out the window, music loud, and just driving...
11. Stormy nights (not tornado stormy!)
12. Stars
13. Children laughing
14. Going out with my girlfriends... I think I need them now more than ever!
15. New books
16. Clean sheets
17. Burning a brand new candle
18. The ocean, waves crashing... lovely
19. Wishing on stars
20. Having hope

This list is a good start... I have forgotten what its like to be happy and at peace... I'll take my moments as they come!

How Can I Help? The Dos And The Don'ts Of Support

2006-07-18T09:59:00.000-05:00

I found this on the RESOLVE website.

By Diane Clapp, BSN, RN and Merle Bombardieri, LICSW
Coping with Infertility can be extremely difficult for the family and friends of the couple going through infertility. As with any crisis it is difficult to know what to say. Because infertility is such a sensitive topic it is important to understand what you can and cannot say.
Let's start with what doesn't help, because the more you continue to say the wrong thing inadvertently, the deeper the rift will be between you and the couple. There is a universal list of

No-No's that most infertile couples agree on. The following do's and don'ts should help you support the individual or couple who is struggling with infertility.

Don't Try to minimize the problem by saying, "Don't worry. At least you have each other and don't have cancer."
I have heard that the stress of infertility is about the same as the stress related to a cancer patient. Right, at least I don't have cancer. I'm not dying. But, where is my "Be Strong" bracelet? Where is my walk to beat infertility? Why don't people come over to hold my hand when I can't get out of bed. No, I'm not dying, but somedays, I almost feel as if I am.

Do Listen to what the couple has to say about their experience and express empathy for their difficulties.
NOTICE: LISTEN... I don't always want advice... just an ear...

Don't Tell a couple who has had a miscarriage that it wasn't meant to be or that you know that they will be pregnant again soon and it will work the next time.
I have not had a miscarriage, but I know people who have. It is a death. Would you tell someone who's husband just died that he just wasn't meant to live and that they'll be able to find another one? I think not.

Do Realize that the couple has just lost a specific potential child who will never come again, no matter how wonderful the next pregnancy may be. Acknowledge how sad they must feel. Use the words "loss and sorrow"; don't be afraid to use the words that probably describe how the couple must feel.
Its been 3 weeks since our IVF cycle failed. I still feel this enormous sense of loss for these two potential lives. I still cry for them. Its very sad to think I've "lost" about 19 potential babies.

Don't Give medical advice or doctor referrals without being asked or hearing the couple say they are looking for new information or referrals.
I know people mean well... but, I have friends who tell me of this doctor who is great, or that my doctor is wrong. Unless you spent 8 years in medical school, I don't want to hear it!

Do Tell the couple know that you'll be happy to listen to any details they want to share with you and that you would like to offer support during any procedures by a phone call or by offering to go with them to a medical appointment.
There are so many times I just want to talk and talk and talk. Most of the time, I get the subject changed, usually to something happy like butterflies and rainbows, or tragedy like the genocide of baby girls in India. I feel very abanded at this stage. I'm not pregnant, I'm not undergoing any procedures, so my friends and family think everything is okay. This is the worst part; waiting. How I would love a phone call or an invite to go shopping... ANYTHING!!

Don't Assume that new medical breakthroughs you read about in the paper will solve the couple's problems. The breakthrough announced by the news media may be irrelevant and if it is relevant, chances are the couple has seen the article and their medical team is knowledgeable about it. One of my friends is cyber space just heard an article that stated women produce 6-10 eggs a month. Wow! Women are not dogs, we do not have litters of 6 babies! The media is often wrong.

Do Ask the couple if there are any books or articles that you could read to understand what they are going through medically. I think I would fall over if someone asked me what they could read or how they could get more information besides anecdotal stories of their friend's mom's cousin's step-daughter's sister-in-law who ate organic cucumber skins for a year and got pregnant. I have soooooo much information that I would LOVE to share. No one asks, though... Maybe I should just start posting information on the bulletin boards at the grocery stores...

Don't Expect the couple to act happy about attending baby showers, christenings and other family events that feature pregnant women and new babies. Oh my gosh... Just went to a baby shower and had to fight back the tears as I was surrounded by babies and the mom-to-be! Yes, I'm happy you are pregnant or you have babies. But right now, I'm fighting back the urge to steal your baby. My best friend had a great analogy; Its like going to a funeral for someone's husband and making out with your own.
I know people mean well, but no, I don't want to hold your baby or rub your belly for "good luck". This is NOT how babies are made. Trust me, I've read everything on baby making!!

Do Give them plenty of opportunity to decide whether to attend an event or whether to come late or leave early. They will not feel the need to avoid babies forever, but less contact right now may be a necessary part of their healing process. At this baby shower, I told the mom-to-be I would have to leave before she opened presents. Right as she was starting, she must have noticed the look of panic in my eyes. She hugged me and let me leave before I started sobbing. I will not be attending anymore events for babies in the near future...

Don't Start a discussion about infertility without paying attention to timing and to the couple's openness.
My husband did this the other night! We were out to dinner and relaxing with his parents, and he started talking about our doctor's appointments! Sometimes, I just want to be the regular girl I once was, not new unimproved infertile girl...

Do Choose a time when the couple's privacy is assured and ask the couple if they would like to talk. Couples experiencing infertility often feel out of control. Your letting them choose whether and when to talk about it gives them back some control. Out of control. You've hit in on the head!!

Don't Assume that it is fine if you talk to your son's wife or your daughter's husband about their situation.
My MIL told me a story about a woman who only ovulated once a year and once they figured out when she ovulated, she got pregnant. Good for her. I ovulate every month...I didn't want to discuss her son's sperm with her, but I really wish she would just give me a hug and tell me she will listen if I want to talk.

Do Respect the privacy needs of each individual and do not assume that they both want to talk about it with you. Will my husband talk about it? Nope. Except if its a Saturday night and he's out to dinner with his parents... Will I talk about it? Ummmm.... do I talk about anything else???

Don't Offer unsolicited stories about others who have been successful at treatment or adoption.
I hate these stories. They are not true. Most of these women probably went through infertility treatment and that's how they got pregnant, but don't want to talk about their treatments anymore. I highly doubt that the woman who tried to get pregnant for 8 years, had 15 IVF treatments, and 2 failed adoptions "miraculously" got pregnant with twins after she "stopped" trying. She just got tired of stupid comments from ignorant people.

DO Tell them if they are ever interested you could put them in touch with a couple willing to talk about their infertility experience or adoption process. Let them decide whether they want to pursue that information. As a parent, family member, or friend, you want to make it better for the couple, to take away the pain. But probably the greatest gift you can give your loved one or friend is to be a listener, a sounding board. Instead of erasing the pain, you can diminish it by your caring. One of the hardest questions to ask someone is, "How can I help you?" It is such a difficult question because you should be prepared for their answer and not the answer that you think they will say or should say. To ask that question and to trust the response that you hear is a powerful step in your efforts to help the couple struggling with this kind of crisis. Amen!

It funny that the only people reading this are my Venting room friends who already KNOW all the Do's and Don'ts... Perhaps I should pass this along to my friends, family, and coworkers? Hmmmm....

Scared

2006-07-16T18:15:00.000-05:00

Today I just feel sad. Maybe its because of the baby shower I went to. My best friend went with me. The whole way there, I did my deep breathing exercises. I felt the panic attacks come and go. I just can't breathe. I have homwork to do, and I just can't seem to get it done. I have a list of things I need to complete before the end of summer... Before my FET... I can barely seem to make it out of bed.

And I'm scared shitless. There I said it. I am SCARED!!! Of what? Mostly, well, everything. I am scared I will not get pregnant. I am scared I will go through 15 IVFs, quit, and then wonder, maybe if I had done one more... I'm scared I will never get to see a reflection of my sweet husband and I in another life.

I'm scared I'll get pregnant and miscarry. The miscarriage rate for IVF patients is 30% during the first 12 weeks. This is slightly higher than the 20% miscarriage rate for "normal" pregnancies. It is probably because IVF patients know they are pregnant sometimes before a period is missed and if the baby stops growing, and there is a miscarriage, the IVF patient knows. Any other woman would think she is getting her period. This is a huge concern. I know if I do get pregnant, the first 12 weeks will be spent being as horizontal as possible.

I'm scared about adoption. Wow. What a huge process that is! J and I have decided that if this next cycle fails, we'll start looking into this. Where will we get the $20,000? Who knows. Maybe we'll rob a bank. Then I'll go to jail and be someone's bitch. That DEFINITLY won't get me pregnant... I'm scared we'll be close to the end, and bam! Adoption failed. It happens. What if it happens to us?

I'm scared I won't be a good mom. Maybe God knows something I don't and isn't giving me the baby I have been dreaming of for a reason. I mean, I am a little unorganized. I'm messy. I don't like housework. I always fall behind on laundry. I can be impatient. Plus, when/if I have a baby, it will be so spoiled, and do we really need anymore spoiled people in this world?

I'm scared J is going to get so fed up with me and my crazy mood swings and just leave. Does he care, I mean really, would he care if we ended up child-free? Probably not so much. Sure, he wants kids, but come on... sleeping in, eating out, not worrying about the nutrional contents of our refrigerator does have its perks.

I'm just scared. I don't have my strength today. I'm scared it will not come back.

Things I Have Learned From Infertility

2006-07-14T09:23:00.000-05:00

This is in no particular order...

1. My husband loves me unconditionally. He has been there throught everything from the days when I couldn't get out of bed, to the nights when I wouldn't get off the computer, and everything in between.

2. I LOVE my husband more than I ever thought possible. Why? See above.

3. I still need my mom. For awhile, I don't think she knew what to say. I told her that saying ANYTHING is better than ignoring what I am going through. She gathers advice from her friends who went through infertility, tells me not to watch "Baby Story", "Adoption Story", or "Birth Day", and she even bought me a gorgeous kokopelli bracelet (she also told the women she bought it from that maybe the next time I see her I'll be "bumpy"). She is great! The day I had my beta from IVF, she was more anxious than I was! I was so crabby (I just knew it would be a BFN), but she took me to the movies, bought me lunch, and just spent the day with me. I think she was just as sad as I was when it was negative!

4. I have found out who my real friends are. My friend from school who has sent me emails and calls me almost daily, yup! The girl from school who constantly talks about her pregnancy, rubs her belly, and tells me "Its just not meant to be"--not so much. My "friend" of 28 years who told me NOT to do IVF b/c "there are other options" and "you'll get cancer if you do it" (whaaa???) Um... NOPE!!! My best friend who has waited until her two year old twins were sleeping to call me so I wouldn't hear their cute little voices... yup!!

5. People you find on the internet are NOT creeps!! What would I do without my Venting room friends? Every month when AF came, they were there to give virtual hugs. They have shared such great information from why NOT to eat pineapple to don't POAS every 5 minutes when you think you might be ovulating. I love you girls!!

6. You can find all sorts of information on the internet! I can easily spend hours looking things up while my house falls apart!

7. Needles aren't that scary. After having three shots a day for 3 weeks, I'm thinking about acupuncture!

8. Patience. I can be patient while helping a 6 year old decode the word "window". However, waiting for my baby has proven more challenging. Like I said, I thought we'd have to wait approximately 3 minutes to be pregnant. Apparently, I was wrong!!

9. Anyone can get pregnant, including: women on birth control, druggies, 14 year old girls, women who aren't trying, women who will one day leave their children at the Taste of Chicago, women who don't really want children, women who shop at IKEA (pregnant army!!)and jerks (women who rub there bellies and ask you if you are still trying).

10. I can not get pregnant, neither can 6 million other women in the world. However, we don't make the news. We don't rub our flat (or sometimes hormone induced inflated) tummies and cry (not in public, anyways). We don't get "Not Having a Baby Shower" and get lotion, candles, cute clothes (for US and our expanding waistline from hormone drugs), certificates for massages, and lots of alcohol. We don't get a day (Not a Mother's Day?). We can't talk about our doctor's appointments like pregnant women do (so the doctor looked at my empty uterus. Its just perfect!! Want to see the picture?).

I sound jaded. I sound a little heartbroken. Maybe I am. But I'm strong. I have my lessons close to my heart.

My Path

2006-07-09T19:23:00.000-05:00

When I started on the path to being a mommy, I was a wide-eyed optimist, confident that my husband and I would be pregnant within moments of trying. One of my fellow teacher friends started trying about a month before me, and immediately became pregnant. Another friend who had been trying for almost a year, finally became pregnant as well. I was extremely excited! I would get to share in the glow of mom-to-be hood. As the months went by, and I devoted I don't even want to try to figure out how many dollars to ovulation predictor kits and pregnancy tests (proven to detect hcg 5 days before your period is due!), I knew something wasn't right.

Well meaning friends and family members told me to relax, don't think about it, sometimes it just takes time, etc., We had begun trying in March. When I got my period on Christmas day, I decided it was time to start researching reproductive endocronologist; they are the big guns in the world of infertility. I didn't even stop to see an ob/gyn, knowing they would put me on clomid and send me on my way. I couldn't deal with not know why I hadn't became pregnant yet.

I was put through a bunch of tests, mostly blood tests, internal ultrasounds, and a procedure that involved injecting dye into my fallopian tubes (about as painful as someone sticking a knife inside you and thrashing it around). All came up fine. I was diagnosed with mild PCOS, which just meant I had cysts on my ovaries, and in some women it causes them not to ovulate and produce less than stellar eggs. I was ovulating every month.

Jeff had his test. Yup, test. One. He went to a room, looked at some magazines, and was sent home. Yes, one test. God must be a man...

Jeff got the call about a week and a half later. He had lots of sperm (180 million), and great motility (they could get around), but his morphology was 0%, which means NONE of them were shaped correctly. None of his sperm could penetrate my awaiting egg. He was told our only option was IVF. He called me at school to tell me this. I didn't believe him, thought he got only part of the story. I love him to death, but, he is a guy after all...

I called the next day. The nurse would not give me his test results. I rolled my eyes into the phone, and told her I knew the results, but what the heck is the deal with the IVF? We were too young for IVF, right? She told me, no, that was our only option. They would have to inject one of Jeff's sperm into my egg, a procedure called ICSI. This was big times.

I remember it was the beginning of the school day when I got this news. I had another teacher watch my class as I took the phone call. I sat in her office and cried into the phone as the nurse explained the procedure. I hung up, and just kept crying. I couldn't help it. I just felt like someone ran over me with the reality truck. It was so concrete. There would never be a "surprise, we are pregnant!" It would all be clinical, Jeff and I wouldn't even be involved as our embryos developed. And what if they never did? Would we ever be parents?

I am at peace with IVF. I thank God that He created such awesome doctors. I am still a little anxious about of the whole thing... It feels so much like a last resort, especially since this last cycle failed.

I have heard there is a baby out there for everyone, and the path to get to that baby might just be full of lot of twists and turns. I will go through every twist, turn, and loop-de-loop... I just have to keep that faith that God will lead me to my baby!

Free

2006-07-07T21:54:00.000-05:00

I used to be free... I used to dance and sing and blow bubbles. And I used to laugh. I mean REALLY laugh, you know, the kind where you can't breathe and you forget what is so funny. I used to be funny. Now all I talk about is babies and trying to have one and how it isn't fair that I don't have one. And I really doubt there is anything that will change that until I have my little baby in my arms, feel her heart beating, smell her sweet baby smell.

Today, I had a glimpse of the real me, the me I like, the me other people like. My best bud Julia took time away from her adorable twin boys to hang out with me. I was in such a bad, bad, mood, but I went out anyways. We have been friends for so long, going on 12 years now, she is more of a sister to me than my biological sister is! She knew I was crabby and called me on it, saying she was going to get me moving! We went roller blading, something neither of us had done in years, probably since before she got pregnant, which was over 3 years ago! Within minutes, she had fallen and scraped her knee. Instead of crying, like I would have done, she laughed and said she was proud of her "boo boo". We went on. I cried a little, I screamed a little, we both talked about how it isn't fair that IVF didn't work. I told her how scared I was that it might never work. She said it would, and if it didn't, she would be a surrogate for me. This is just the kind of person Julia is. Selfless, free, proud of her boo-boos. She really brings out the best in me and I strive to be like her. We went and got coffee, and the real me kept coming out. I talked to her, she listened. I felt myself relax. I felt a glimmer of hope that maybe someday I will be pregnant, or if not have adopted children. It just felt possible.

As I drove home, I opened all the windows in my car, blasted the Indigo Girls, and sang really loudly (and off key). I had my arm out the window and I saw people staring. I don't care. I will carry infertility like my own boo boo and be proud that I am getting through it with only a few minor scrapes. And when I hold my baby for the first time, whether it be born from my womb or my heart, I know Julia will be there to kiss away all the tears and cover my boo boo with a band aid.

A Failed Cycle

2006-07-07T11:23:00.000-05:00

This is my attempt to blog. I have some friends in cyber space that do it and love it... I don't know if I'll give my address out to my friends and family. I don't want to offend anyone!

I did my first IVF cycle in June. I was so excited, especially after I was told I had 36 follicles. On my retrieval day, they got 21 eggs. 11 fertilized. 9 were a grade A, 2 a grade B. My RE told me on the day of our transfer that there was a 70% chance of getting pregnant, and a 1 in 3 chance of having twins! I would have jumped for joy if my bladder hadn't been so full. I felt the tears well up as he inserted two little bubbles into my awaiting womb made much more friendly from eating many, many pineapples. As my loving husband was driving me home, I started to feel nauseous. I thought it was just the heat. By the time we got home, I was officially car sick. I ran into the house and threw up. I felt pretty nauseous the entire weekend. My friends laughed saying it was just morning sickness coming really early. When by Monday I couldn't even get out of bed, I was worried. I called my RE and they found it very strange and told me to go to my general practioner. I couldn't even make it to my bathroom, how could I drive? I called my mom. I swear she thought I was faking it! Anyways, turns out I had vertigo. I was reassured by the nurse at my RE's office that throwing up would not impact the results. I was still a little nervous...

I waited. I was excited, until I had a dream that I was giving birth. I woke up and thought, It didn't happen. I had to wait until that Friday for the news. I went through many emotions. Sometimes I would be so optimistic, other times, I was positive I wouldn't be pregnant. I just didn't feel it. I was reassured I probably wouldn't feel anything anyways; it was way too early.

Then Friday came... The dreaded phone call: "Your HCG level is less than 1, so you are not pregnant..." followed by 10 minutes of what I need to do and who I need to call and then, "have a great weekend"... Um... how? I cried, sobbed, obnoxious, ugly sounds came out of me. Tears I haven't cried since I was 10 and got sent to my room because of something I did or said, which was probably all my sister's fault anyways. My husband held me and hugged me and tried to console me. He couldn't answer my questions: Why did they stay? Was I already a terrible mom, I couldn't keep two embryos happy? How can I not be pregnant?

I called my mom. She had been waiting all day. I tried to be calm, but when she asked how I was, I broke down. I have seen my mom cry at funerals, and that's about it. She is strong. She is not emotional. She is very level headed. She is the opposite of me. That day, she cried. I heard it in her voice. It broke my heart that I brought my mom to tears.

I shouldn't have been surprised. I really wasn't, but I still had hope.
Saturday the phone calls and emails started coming from well meaning friends. "Are you pregnant?"

I think I'll keep my blood test a secret next time.